Notice of Revocation of Independance....Please Read

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Unofficial Newcastle United Football Club BBS : One Thread

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football (proper football). What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German (proper) cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Answers

Shit formatting eh....oh well ;)

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Very good :-)

The counter-revolution begins today!

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000


I've just sent it to my boss in Austin. Hope he has a sense of humour!

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

That's class. I laughed my bits off. Cheers.

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

You have all noticed by now that it was actually written by an american? notice the mis-spelling of "independence" ;)

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000


YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only that would be true. :-D

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Gav I want a second opinion. I thought that was also the English Spelling.

I tried to check on-linw and accidentally found this:

http://www.geordiepride.demon.co.uk/dictionary.htm

An on-line Geordie Dicshunary!

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000


We could also add :-

11. You will learn how to play all games, sports or social activities which are considered "World Series" by the rest of world. All sports you call "World Series" will henceforth be regarded as the quaint national peculiarities they actually are. Baseball will return to its historical name of "Rounders" and its roots in colonial girls' schools will be acknowledged.

12. As with Baseball being renamed to reflect its true nature, so shall be Basketball be renamed "Netball" and be acknowledged to also have its origins in a game played at colonial girls' schools.

13. The sports unique to the former USA shall be classed with other minority sports such as Aussie Rules, Hurling, Boules, Kabbadi, Cheese Rolling and Tiddly-Winks.

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000


Mornin' y'all! I'm gonna have fun in the orifice today. Either that or I will lose my job.

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Y'alright Schreacher?

It's like a morgue on here today, you'd think there was an International match on Saturday, meaning no Premiership games, not tonight!

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000



I thought Gav was taking the mick out of himself having spelt it incorrectly in the thread title...

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

That makes me feel better Geordie. I was beginning to think I'd been spelling it wrong for years.

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Yes thanks DeB. SLightly hungover, but that soon disappeared once I ventured outside. A bit of a cold one last night. 17 degrees Fahrenheit this morning (for all you yuppies, that's about -8C). A colleague asked me if I wanted to go to a Byker Bar - well, that's what it sounded like. It was worse. Leathers, chains, ye knaa. I expected Susie Brown Ale to walk in any minute.

Anyway, that was after we'd found a bar in town serving Dog (as opposed to dogs, Pilgrim) on "draft". Well, aah hed ti. A man canna let an opportunity lyuk ti gaan ti waste noo caan 'e? But me heed hort this mornin'.

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000


Thanks Gav it is now making the rounds in Chicago, so far the response has been positive with a possible recount in the bathroom

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Check this site out.

http://www.theonion.com

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000



Brilliant Gav - just what I needed today! (:o)

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Gav ol’ pal, the ‘version’ I received yesterday, had the following additional ‘clauses’:

11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason 12. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby 13. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. 14.Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 15. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks. 16. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately. 17. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation. 18. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's Bedchamber. 19. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial. 20. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba, and Japan. TAKE SPECIAL NOTE, Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day! ;-7

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000


Full page spread in Friday`s Express, (Martin Samuel) incorporating most on here with additions, **Based on a originial idea by Express reader Davy Rockett - King of the wild e-mail With Thanks, eh, I feel a Yosser Hughes coming on "Gizza a Job", I can do that, Gizza Job

-- Anonymous, November 17, 2000

Moderation questions? read the FAQ