I was asked by a friend to take pictures of kids for a Mothers and Toddlers group. I was happy to do it and figured that although kids are difficult to photograph, especially when there are 25 of them toddling around, I could get some halfway decent shots. The mothers were so difficult to deal with- wanting to organise me and making their kids smile and so on. Why are parents so difficult? And why are they all offering free advice on "when you get pregnant..." Isn't there anything else they can talk about? Why are they so apologetic about their kids? I loved the kids, but they were horrific.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2000

Answers

I don't know why parents are so difficult. I try to talk about things other than my kids, but maybe I'm not successful and my friends have been to polite to point it out to me.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2000

Well, we get judged by our kids, so we tend to be a little hypersensitive about reining them in around the uninitiated. And if you don't believe me, try walking through Walgreen's with a screaming, crying four-year-old hanging onto your skirt being dragged across the floor because she's sensing a dramatic opportunity and you *can't* give in or you'll be telling her tantrums are very effective for getting your own way. The evil glares will range from the why- can't-she-control-a-small-child variety to the what-awful-thing-did- she-do-to-that-kid type.

Not every parent is always apologetic for their child's behavior. I can show you some wild things whose parents are blissfully unaware of even potentially dangerous situations. Which isn't a good thing either.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2000

You're so right, Mary Ellen. To me it seems that no matter what you do as a parent, someone's going to give you a dirty look. If you tell your child to behave, some grandma will think you're being too mean. If you ignore your child so as not to encourage tantrums, people tsk and roll their eyes at you. Sometimes I feel like I get dirty looks just for existing along with my kids. But luckily I'm not sensitive about that stuff anymore. Maybe a lot of new mothers are and feel the need to apologize too much. Maybe before they had their kids, they were the ones giving all the dirty looks and now they're acting out of guilt.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2000

I'm not a parent, so I'm probably not qualified to answer your question, but if you'll take my two cents anyway..

Mary Ellen is right. We absolutely judge people by their kids. I'm bad about it and I really hope god doesn't punish me for it someday by giving me twins or something. Take the situation you describe and reverse it to where the parents weren't apologizing and letting their kids run around freely and you'll have a whole other segment of the population griping about how the parents aren't paying enough attention to their kids' rotten behavior.

I sat and watched a woman let her three year old terrorize the waiting room while I was at the doctor's office the other day and it was all I could do not to walk over to her, hand her my dog's harness leash and tell her to use it.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2000

Beforte you have kids, you are positive you know all the answers and that YOUR children would be perfect in all regards.

As my mom says, after you have kids, you find out that all those grandiose notions you had about how you'd handle children and those plans about how you'd be able to make the right decisions all the time and have your choices about childrearing understood by everyone--including strangers--are pipe dreams. (Though everyone here at Gwentown DOES have perfect kids, of course.) Before I was born, my mom thought, with her Sociology degree and smarts and patience and all, that she'd write a book. After me, she realized she didn't know squat and had 100 new grey hairs. And I was a GOOD child, y'all.

Anyone talking smack about parents who are at least TRYING to do the right thing needs to be blessed with children of their own, because then they'll get a taste of their own medicine when Junior acts up in the grocery store or hits the Terrible Twos / "No-Is-My-Final-and-Only-Answer" Phase.

All I had to do was babysit. Then I knew I knew nothing and I gained a lot of respect and sympathy for most of the parents I ran into in public. There are exceptions, buit not too many.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2000

These mothers were downright pedantic- competing for the Mother Award. I wouldn't really notice these sorts of things because I don't pay enough attention generally, but I suppose this was a sort of extreme scenario. Maybe I just entered a strange adverse personality area.

-- Anonymous, November 07, 2000

My wife and I have had kids and we've had dogs. Quite frankly, we prefer dogs. For one thing, they quit whining after about 8 weeks and they're more loyal and appreciative. Also, if they develop bad habits or start chasing after things they shouldn't, you can just plug 'em.

-- Anonymous, November 07, 2000

Ditto, Bubba, dogs are way easier than kids. I've got seven dogs of my own, a rotation of special needs/foster dogs, a full time job and many other commitments to my time, and all of that PALES in comparison to the amount of energy it takes to deal with one, reasonably well-behaved, child.

Jane, I think the moms were just stressing because they wanted cute pictures. My sister manages a photography studio that specializes in kids'and family portraits, and the first thing they do is kick the parents out. The photographer and spotter can get the split-second shots that we amateurs take minutes to set up right, without getting the kids all worked up and fidgety.

-- Anonymous, November 07, 2000

I have to raise my hand and wave on the subject of people being judged by their kids behavior. It goes even farther than that, though. When you have kids, you become public property, like a celebrity without the limos and money and admiration. Everyone seems to think that they are entitled to a say in your life. Anybody else have people come up and grab your stomach when you were pregnant? What's up with that, and then follow the impossible questions. Are you using disposibles or cloth? Disposibles?!? Do you know how much landfill space you'll use just in the course of one baby?!? How can you even think of it? Cloth? It's not as healthy. You're house is going to stink. Do you know how much water and electricity you are going to use to wash all of those things? I took to telling people that I was going to go the traditional Ojibwe route and line the bottom of my baby backpack with moss. They would just clamp their mouths shut and walk away. ;-) If you stay at home with your kids, you must be too lazy and stupid to do anything else. If you go to work then you must be a cold hearted selfish she-devil who's neglected children will grow up to be ax murderers. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding? Which disciplinary school do you follow? What? You don't subscribe to a particular discipline school? Preschool or no? public school, private, homeschooling? Is it any wonder parents are defensive? It's difficult not to be, when total strangers feel free to walk up and offer their analysis of your family, personal character, etc. when all they have seen of either is less than five minutes of stress in the middle of a public place. Then there are the people who just don't want to be around children, no matter how well they might be behaving, and do their best to make the parents feel uncomfortable. OK, end of my rant. Sorry. I guess this hit a nerve or something. Who knew? ;-)

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2000

Word, word, WORD, Teresa. I'm guilty of that myself, majorly. I mean, I'm not ignorant enough to say "I will only have perfect children," but I have NO patience and I hit heavy with the Critical Inner Voice that snarks "No child of MINE would ___" every time I hear a kid throwing a tantrum, running around all dirty, being baby-sat by the TV- Or "I'D never do ____" every time I see a parent spanking, yelling, adhering to gender stereotypes, bribing kids with candy or toys-

One of the main reasons why I refuse to breed any time soon is because I know I don't have a big enough spoon with which to do the inevitable word-eating....

And I would rip the hair out of the skull of the stranger who came up and grabbed my pregnant belly.

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2000

WOW! Teresa... Are you 100% on the money or what? Give the lady a hand, ya'll. This is the voice of high truth.

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2000

There are some things about parents that I just don't understand. I used to hate kids and make fun of parents (when I was a young shithead). Then I mellowed and now give parents lots of respect. Yes, there are still lots of them out there who appear to have just given up when it comes to teaching their children discipline and right from wrong, but I don't lump all parents into that, by far. A lot of my friends who are close to my age are becoming parents right now - some have had babies this year and some are pregnant now, so it will be very interesting for me to watch how they do. These are all people I have a great deal of respect for and I can't wait to meet their kids!

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2000

Since I'm expecting my first child at the end of this month, I couldn't keep my trap shut (like I can about the vegetarian debate--I've been one for 12 years but I'll spare y'all my views on things, though I will say I've never brought my own plate to someone's house before).

I've found over the last few months that my tolerance for "screaming brats" in public places has risen to enormous levels--I almost don't notice them anymore. I know I won't be able to avoid embarassing situations and only hope I can lessen them by leaving the tot at home with her father when I venture out but life ain't the way you wish it could be. Kids ain't the way you plan them and I just hope I don't have a projectile vomiter or, seriously, a child with health problems. Annoying behavior is one thing, leukemia quite another. I'll take the first over the last any day.

I babysat for years and am a former nanny so I have an inkling of what I'm in for and I'm looking forward to the experience but I must say, I'm a little weirded out by the idea of being someone's mother and raising a child who will one day hint that I'm being incredibly annoying and will screen their calls when I call for the hundredth time to make sure she's eating properly. Ya know?

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2000

with all of mas marrys there were lots of kids libing at my house and they got on my nerves cuz they wer sssssssssssooooooooo bad!!!!!!!!! i dont no hwo many wooden spoons ma broke on them .my kids will be perfect

-- Anonymous, November 10, 2000