Hurdy gurdy dehurdigurd aherdygurdy...

For the sake of sanity, this release has been translated

Hello to all you English media press people. Sven here. I thought as I've been asked to drag your national disgrace, sorry, team, back from the brink to world success I should say a few words.

Firstly, I expect many changes in the whole system of Team England and how each member operates in that team. I am immediately insisting that Abba's "The Winner Takes It All" replace your dull and lifeless national anthem at games. I was considering "Waterloo" but as we wrote it and you only won it because of the Prussians it wasn't best. Let's face it, God Save the Queen drags on and the crowd always get to the climax too soon...a national problem I understand. Which brings me onto points two and three.

I have also become concerned with the appearance of the team players; I understand that Beckham wears skirts and Owen has a shell suit. Not acceptable. All players will be taken to a hairdresser and will sport tight, curly blonde hair with large moustache. Roll neck ski jumpers are optional. For guidance on suitable attire and hair I will taking the team to my little magazine and video shop on Westgate Road in Newcastle. Pigtails are also ok, but blonde barnets are a must.

Although I have been happy for Peter Taylor and that other non-entity from Man U to make the teas and organise the kit washing, I will bring in Bjorn Borg as my No.2.

It is also clear that the players need to focus on their teamwork. Which is why a trip to Ikea in Wembley is in order. They will be given several missions during the exercise which will develop various parts of their game.

1. Car parking. As many a Sunday shopper will know, it's near impossible to get a parking space. To make the task more tricky, a Volvo estate (blessed be that name) will be their vehicle. This exercise will demonstrate persistence in the face of impossibility...much like qualifying for the World Cup.

2. Finding a product without a silly name like "Prikk", "Arssol" or "Dikshitte". The aim of this is to get players into the cultural aspects of the International game, where not everyone has the name "David" (amusingly, this being a Swedish word for flatulance).

3. Paying for your goods. The desperate act of queuing for hours and then being only given crappy paper bags with which to pack your goods in will show the team how to stay alert during the most mundane of incidents...games with Scotland, Finland or San Marino for instance.

Before I end I would also like the press to avoid associating me with my nationality and concentrate on my football management talents. Please do not confuse me with a turnip, as Swede's are far more versatile...soups, roasted, boiled. Also, I am not the Swedish Chef in the Muppets. Nor will I top myself if we lose a game in wintertime. And I'm not a Nazi sympathiser.

I hope I can rely on your support. Please now excuse me while I groove to "Mamma Mia".

Your Friend, Sven

PS. I've just got in some really hot vids from Stokholm...really good stuff...

-- Anonymous, November 02, 2000

Answers

EE that nice Bobby's done it again.

It is now winging its way to your blue-rinse granny fan club in Sounth Shields. Damp gussets all round.

-- Anonymous, November 02, 2000