Be warned, this is VERY long, personal, rambling, and certainly will be boring to many.

I got to thinking about it, and needed to get it down to think it through, and here it is for what it's worth.

I'm a farm boy originally. Health problems (bad back) while I was studying meant I went into computers instead of agricultural science, and I spent almost thirty-five years in the city, first studying then working and raising a family. Always meant to return to the country, kept up with rural and science news, but the city was where most computer jobs were (incidentally, the city is Sydney, Australia - you may have seen a bit of it recently - beautiful and even spectacular in places, people largely OK, but it never was HOME to me). Turned out my wife had ongoing serious health problems that meant most of the marriage was no fun for either of us, or our children. During all this time I lost more than nominal touch with the Christian faith I had been raised in.

Marriage break-up about twelve years ago, after twenty years - turned quite ugly in patches, and I spent some years fighting through that, re-establishing contact with my sons, overcoming their brainwashing, being careful NEVER to criticise their mother to them, or to anyone at all further than strict relation-of-facts. At that time, I figured I needed job security, so I went to a Public Service job. They laid-off twelve and a half thousand people the day after I accepted the job offer - fair trade for them, I suppose. The Public Service turned out to be absolutely soul-deadening: full of young things who had got established in their positions, and felt threatened by anyone with substantial experience - length of service and knowledge of the system was all they respected. Later, it was also new graduate hires who wouldn't know a backup if it bit them in the bum, and couldn't see the need for it. However, I stuck with it - I tend to do that, sometimes past all reason, like I did with the marriage. Right circumstances, it's called loyalty, or honouring one's commitments. Otherwise it's stupidity.

This went on, with my health in a slow decline because I wasn't really looking after myself, didn't really care; and my weight on a counterbalancing upward climb. Think "morbidly obese" as a starting point, and work up from there. I was drinking too much too - not quite an alcoholic - could do without it at any time, for any amount of time; but I wasn't, often; and my back pain didn't take as many other painkillers if I also had a drink, and I was using it to make the whole depressing situation disappear for a few hours, and - ungood.

OK, this is where it starts to improve.

About fifteen months ago I needed surgery for "incompetent veins" in my legs - in other words they weren't doing their job, the valves weren't holding, the fluid was pooling in the lower limbs, and my legs were swelling up like a poisoned pup. A couple of the operation sites broke down, ulcerated, got infected - and the operation hadn't quite worked, so the circulation was still poor in that leg, and.... well, they got the infection under control, but the ulcers were taking FOREVER and still not healing, and I had holes in my leg bigger than my thumb, and I was getting more and more depressed, and the money was running out, and eventually I had to leave the city and come back to the family farm to try to recuperate. Was on sick-leave-without-pay from the Public Service - the first time it had paid-off for me since I joined ten years ago, and as I said it paid-off by being without-pay (but at least there was still a job on the books for me when/if I recovered, if I didn't take too long about it).

This is an improvement, he says? Yes, well at least I was on time-out from a situation which was otherwise slowly killing me. At home, leg ulcers still weren't improving, so Mum shovelled me off to a local doctor, who looked at things and pitchforked me straight into hospital (Australia has a fairly good Public Health system, but I guess there hadn't been hospital beds available in Sydney. In the country, they were happy to use a bed for bed-rest: to keep their numbers up, and justify their retaining the local hospital. As simple a thing as a week with my feet elevated, and the ulcers were turned around - it was no longer looking like a medium-term certainty that I'd lose the leg. Incidentally, I'm not a diabetic - don't know why not, I've certainly got all the risk factors, and suffering some of the effects, but it hasn't happened - yet.

We have a system here where tenants in rental property post a bond with a government organization (Department of Fair Trading). If you skip out, or trash the property, the landlord gets the bond, or as much of it as is justified. Since the divorce had gutted me financially, I was renting - ten years in the one place, and it had been old and run-down when I moved in. The real estate agents managing the place had spent nothing on maintenance other than urgent repairs (burst pipes, leaking shower cubicles); and hadn't fixed any of the collateral damage those had done either. After I became ill and moved far away to the country (both of which they knew), they decided to seize the opportunity to retain my bond money, rather than have to go to the owner and get maintenance money before they could re-rent the place. They obviously thought I wouldn't fight it, but I did, and they got their wrists slapped by the Rental Tribunal of the Department of Fair Trading, and I got my bond back. Nil bastardum carborundum. It was a lot of trouble, but psychologically I needed a win at that stage, and I got it.

Still took a L..O..N..G time to get the ulcers healed; during which I had time to remember that I wanted to spend as much as possible of the rest of my life in the country, and that I REALLY didn't want to have to return to the city. That was actually another improvement in my situation.

I was going to church as well, and slowly re-finding my Christian faith. I'm not the sort for whom a blinding revelation is going to work - slow and steady and build the foundations is what I need; so that was good as well.

Slow as everything had been, I'd had time to get un-depressed, I'd started to lose weight, and I'd started to do some exercise (that one's difficult for me, because of the back problem always waiting in the wings). So - those were other improvements.

Despite not wanting to return to Sydney, I needed a job of some form. Going from sick leave to a new job after the age of fifty is difficult at the best of times, particularly in the country; and there was also a quirk of the government employment that meant I was accruing some benefits even during sick leave, provided I went back. If I wanted to get my little block of land at some stage, I needed to get whatever I was entitled to, and I sure hadn't been getting good pay from them.

So - when I was close to fit enough, I contacted my employer, and let them know. We were about to undergo Olympics at that stage, but as the timing of things worked out I was able to avoid having to fight for accommodation in Sydney just then. Also as things worked out, the Public Service had been undergoing rationalisation and re-organization and consolidation and like that while I was away. The organization I had worked for had become part of a larger group which was state-wide rather than just in the city, and they had another technology centre in a small provincial city (Bathurst) not too far (two hours) from the family farm, and the Uber-manager for computer and network operations now came from that centre rather than Sydney. The Olympics gave enough time for it to become apparent that I could now simply transfer there rather than it being a major job creation/advertisement/interview process. That's a BIG improvement.

So, I found accommodation in Bathurst. A nice apartment (flat, unit, whatever), quite new, convenient to work and shopping, large and light and airy - not like the depressing pokey little hole I'd lived in for ten years in Sydney, but costing just the same. I need an apartment initially, while I get back on my feet, so I don't HAVE to maintain a garden. We're talking recognising realities here, and one step at a time. The real estate agent I was getting it through was a member of the church there, although I hadn't actually spoken to him - just gone through his office.

And during the last week before I start work the agent's office phones to say they aren't going to rent to me after all, and they're returning the deposit. They wouldn't say why, but it's self-evident that they spoke to the previous agent who had tried to rip me off, and believed whatever they were told without checking it. In fact, they probably wouldn't want a tenant who'd stand up for their rights anyway. That win I'd had was beginning to look very expensive. Did I mention I've got high blood pressure? My veins almost popped. Obviously this could happen with any real estate agent. I'd hoped the truth would come through, but not so.

So, I telephone to make appointments with other real estate agents anyway, in the (probably vain) hope that pressure of time would get me into somewhere without them checking that reference. Perhaps unfortunately, I'm not so constituted that I can lie about it when they ask - and they all use a standard form. Maybe it's not "can't", but "won't" - too stinkin' proud. Anyway, from what I've seen lies make life too complicated - easier if you've only got one version to remember, and you didn't have to get creative to get that. The next day I ferry my father to a dental appointment in an adjoining town, and we go on from there. We check out caravan camps (trailer parks?) on the way, on the basis that they'd have walls and a roof and immediate availability. Find one place - horrible little old 16' caravan, and twenty-five minutes drive from work, but it would do, so at least I can still restart work on time.

Go on to Bathurst, check caravan park (nothing available at anything below twice an exorbitant rent, and all booked out anyway). Dad gets some money out of a bank; I buy the local paper from a shop next door. We go and get lunch; I check the newspaper while we're eating. Mid-week edition, out that morning: heaps of Employment opportunities (I never knew that!), but the "To Let" section only has four ads, two for apartments, one of them through a real-estate agent. The other one is for a ridiculously low rental, but I give them a phone call anyway - rental direct from owners of small block of apartments. Go round and take a look - someone else was due first, but they ran late. It's old but clean, darker and smaller than what I was looking at, but bigger and better than what I had before; and two thirds of the price. Quite a bit better than I'd feared at the price; and not that much more expensive than that pokey little caravan twenty-five minutes away that I'd been prepared to settle for. I grab it, pay rent in advance and bond, get receipt, get keys!!! This is walk-to-work (but far enough to improve my level of fitness), near enough to shops, big enough, it will build me a rental history that doesn't involve the former rental agent, I'll be able to save, and it's not SO good that I'll lose sight of why I'm saving. It will also serve as a reminder that I need to either make something of the job I've got, or get another job, but I've got no more time to waste. For what it's worth, I've got a car, but the registration and insurance has lapsed, and now I don't need to renew it immediately - just do without until Christmas or the new year - more savings as I get started.

So even that last near-heart-stopper turned out to be better.

Drive down to apologise to the real-estate agents with whom I'm now not going to keep appointments, and on the way out of town drive past the apartment again and see the late arrivals who should have been before me having the situation explained to them.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it begins to seem to me like someone is telling me "OK. I've given you fifty years to show how you do on your own. You knew what you needed to do. Well, now I'm making sure you do it. See - isn't that better than what you managed? It's done now; but you'd better pick it up and run with it from now on. And don't forget Me during the next half-century." Knocked me around a bit, but I wasn't paying attention before, and SOMETHING had to be done to make me take notice.

I also suspect most people receive these sorts of opportunities, if they pay attention and notice them. Hopefully if they pay better attention than I did they won't need to go through as bad.

And I restart work next week, and I may be out of circulation for quite some time before I can get my own Internet connection - or even phone connection. May get some Internet connectivity through work, but don't know at this stage.

-- Don Armstrong (darmst@yahoo.com.au), October 26, 2000

Answers

Your story sounds so much like mine. Very similar. I've returned to the country to live but still work in the edge of the city but I'm working to get farther out and be self employed as soon as possible.

I was a real wild ass rebel for about 25 years and almost killed myself in various ways and spent time with a lot of different young girls who cared nothing about me nor I them. Then it was like God said, "Hey, I'm talking to you. Listen to Me!". Sometimes the message is there it's just up to us to see it and make the moves.

-- Shooter (jcole@apha.com), October 26, 2000.

Don, at first I skipped right down to the end of your post to see who wrote it. I wanted to make sure it was going to be worth the read, and it was. Thank you for letting us "travel" a bit with you! It sure sounds like you have had your share (actually more than that) of tribulation., To me, your current perspective is so refreshing in that you keep moving forward, and are open to change. Other folks might have become embittered.

I for one hope you can hang around the forum more in the future. I have always enjoyed your insights and experience. Now you seem even more like family! The very best to you. Stay in touch.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), October 26, 2000.

Hey Don! Good to see you postin again. It also looks like you've re- established the connection with Him! Glory to God! Without Him life is so -well-depressing. It's also apparent that you're living on borrowed time also. If we hang in there and don't ever give up, we can have the desires of our heart, according tot he Word! Good health and happiness kinda go hand in hand. I choose each and every day to be happy and Blessed! Negativism helps nobody-least of all ourselves. We also are a witness to others-whether for Jesus Christ of satan. I choose to live, promote and honor Jesus Christ to any and all that will listen. After your past problems you have every right to be Blessed and to expect Him to point you in the right direction. Really, you didn't have any realistic options left--either live and work for HIm or continue with your downhill existance and finally- death! Welcome back to the "fold" and may His very Presence overshadow all evil satan tries to put on your life. Thanks for sharing! Matt. 24:44

-- hoot (hoot@pcinetwork.com), October 26, 2000.

I am so very happy for you! You are bound to do well,especially with all of that wonderful exercise! God bless you and thank you for letting us all know how you are getting along now.

-- Lesley (martchas@gateway.net), October 26, 2000.

Hey there Don,I really enjoyed reading your post. It's really hard when we're going through some REAL tough times, to see what good God could possibly have instore for us, but he always surprises us, doesn't He? I have questioned Him many times, but you know, His way always came out best for me. And I'm not talking about little things , like a car breaking down or not having enough money. But major and life altering. Isn't it funny that when you look back at all the problems in our life, you get such a good perspective of how things worked out the best for us? For some of us, (me!) it takes a little while for it to sink in though. My mom has always told me that life is like a grindstone. It can make you into a diamond and make you tougher and beautiful or you can let it grind you into dust. Guess what? You're a diamond! Glad to hear about your new apartment. Now you'll be able to realize your dream for your homestead. Yay! Things always work out for the best. Try to keep us yanks posted on how you're doing until you can get back on line.

-- Annie (mistletoe@earthlink.net), October 26, 2000.

Don, what a touching story. And soothing, even with the hard "things" you have dealt with. Thank You for sharing that, our Lord is good. The best to you! Please do keep us updated. God Bless! Wendy

-- Wendy@GraceAcres (wjl7@hotmail.com), October 26, 2000.

Thanks for sharing, Don -- I didn't think it was boring at all. Good luck, and try to stay with us.

I've wondered this before, and now I'll ask you -- How did you get to this forum? Do you get the magazine? Whatever the answer, glad you came!

-- Joy Froelich (dragnfly@chorus.net), October 26, 2000.

Don, blessings to you and yours. My hubby and I found that we go thru the "bad times" so that the "good times" are even better, and with our Father, they're much better! We have found that being down gives us the opportunity to learn and become stronger when that next hit comes along. A lesson I had to learn (the hard way) that I was to do things His way, not mine (seems I usually ended up worse off), that things are done in His time, not mine. Our prayers are with you ALWAYS! Please keep us posted whenever possible. You are loved.....

-- Phyllis (almostafarm@yahoo.com), October 27, 2000.

Don trust in God I know I can't make it in the hard times without Him and in Good times they don't mean much either without Him. Hope things keep going in the direction they appear to be going right now. Keep us posted. gail

-- gail missouri ozarks (gef123@hotmail.com), October 27, 2000.

Don--SO GLAD you posted, and I'm glad to hear things are finally looking up for you. We enjoy your postings, and will be thinking of you, and praying for you. DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS, chip away at them a little each day, and you will be back in the country before you know it! God bless, and keep in touch! Jan

-- Jan in Colorado (Janice12@aol.com), November 01, 2000.