There is a small matter of the leaderhship of the freeworld (that's what they call themselves) being contested in November. Here is how things are panning out. Presidential Debate Transcript Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense? Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis. Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal. Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush. Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name? Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico. Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal. Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors. Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system? Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury asingle penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap. Lehrer: Gov. Bush? Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds. Lehrer: It's time for closing statements. Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me. Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans. Lehrer: Good night.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

Answers

Brilliant!! And not too far off the mark either. Though it's missing something a friend of mine realized last night.....if Bush wins we could see panty raids and keg parties in the White House. yeehaw!

Do these buffoons look as ridiculous to the non-Americans on the list?

Me, I'm voting for my cat. Leinster T. Cat for president! :-)

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

There's been a fair bit of coverage over here but the 2 of them look so wooden and characterless you've got a problem.

A cardboard cutout has more charisma than them put together. Its formula stuff uttering from their mouths. Mind you what can we criticise with 2 media types at the top of our parties.

They're all crooks.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

My theory is that no one with any sense runs for high office. Why would they? Have their every last detail of their entire life, public and private, dug up and discussed ad nauseum, plus that of their families. So we're left with idiots and crooks. Disillusion, cynical, me? ;-))

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

Best quote ever about politicians was IMHO from Mark Twain

"Whomsoever seeks political office should automatically be debarred from holding such office"

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2000

I've modified a piece of sound advice I was given by old, richly experienced engineer working for me as Construction Manager on a major chemical plant contruction project in Puerto Rico a number of years ago. He was at least 6ft 6ins tall, a gentle backwoodsman from the Appalachians, and I need to add a Civil Engineer:

"Let me tell you something - Architects Politicians are not worth a shit!"

Seems appropriate somehow.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2000

Well, as long as we're having laughs at the expense of our country's revered political system (whoa, I was able to say that without even snickering), here's a good one from satirical newspaper The Onion:

Bush Horrified to Learn Presidential Salary

AUSTIN, TX--Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush was aghast to learn Monday that the position of U.S. president, the highest office in the land and most powerful in the free world, pays just $200,000 a year.

"That's it?" asked Bush, struggling to comprehend the figure reported to him by aides. "A measly couple hundred grand a year? Not per month, even? Because I've already spent more than $60 million to get this job. I'll have to be president for 300 years just to break even."

"I guess I just assumed that a job like that would have a much bigger salary," continued Bush, shaking his head. "You know, something like $120 million. That's what my friend Vance Coffman makes as CEO of Lockheed Martin, and that's just an aerospace firm, not a whole country."

Bush was further disturbed to learn that the salary is not bolstered by incentive clauses.

"Don't I maybe get a 2 percent commission on any increase in the GNP? No? And there's no bonus for, say, brokering a Mideast peace accord or vetoing a certain number of bills?" Bush asked. "Well, at least the salary's tax-free, right?"

Told that the position's only benefits are free room and board, unlimited non-personal use of federal vehicles, and comprehensive health care through the Navy, Bush threw up his hands and walked out of the Bush 2000 war room.

"And they wonder why they can't get anyone decent for that job," Bush told campaign manager Karl Rove during a hallway tirade. "For Christ's sake, a McDonald's manager probably makes that much a year."

After calling his father, former president George Bush, to confirm the $200,000 figure, Bush held an emergency strategy session with his top advisers to determine a course of action.

"I can't believe this," Bush told his staff. "I spent 10 years running my dad's oil company at $14 million a year. Now they tell me that, for running the U.S.--which, you realize, includes my dad's oil company, as well as lots of other profitable businesses--I'd receive a lousy $200,000. Before taxes. If you ask me, the American people are getting away with highway robbery here."

Bush asked foreign policy advisor Condoleeza Rice if, once elected, he could legislate himself a raise. The answer came as yet another disappointment for the candidate.

"According to Condoleeza, I can't just vote myself more money," Bush later told Rove. "She says only Congress can do that, because of that whole ratification thing you told me about. Or maybe it was because of checks and balances--I forget exactly what she said. Anyway, I can't do it. And, apparently, charging other nations for military intervention is just not done, either."

Though he is "pretty sure" he won't drop out of the race, Bush said massive corporate restructuring is needed to make the presidential post attractive to top executives such as himself.

"I guess I'll stay in the race and take the job if I get it. But, regardless, something's got to be done about this situation," Bush said. "Aren't there some agencies we could cut to clear some room under the salary cap for the president? What does the Department of the Interior do? That could probably go. Housing and Urban Development, too. We could probably sell some congressional skyboxes. That's what we did to get Nolan [Ryan] when I was running the [Texas] Rangers."

"I know my dad made a bundle off the Gulf War," Bush continued. "But I guess it wasn't through the job. I'll have to ask him just exactly how he did it. Maybe something like that would work again."

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2000

Brad! where are you living mate are you in the US. I thought the onion was only for midwest people. I live in chicago

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2000