ending friendships

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Do you think it's kinder to a) let troubled friendships sort of wither away or b) actively end them (ie, tell the other person that you want to end the friendship)? I saw an episode of Oprah last week (yes, that's right! I said Oprah!) and everyone on the show was applauding the guests who called people up, reeled off reasons why they were frustrated with the other person, and then announced that they didn't want to be friends any more. Is this really doing someone a service? In general, is this preferable to just tapering off contact?

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000

Answers

I've always tapered off. I don't know if that's good or bad. I suppose if you taper off then you can always come back to it later if you decide you were wrong or whatever. If you call up and tell off, then it must suck later if you decide that's not really what you wanted, or if they still have something of yours that you need back, etc. I guess I haven't had any friends I've needed to tell off....

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000

Elena, I've been thinking about this subject a lot lately. I'm currently ignoring one friendship, wondering if it'll wither. I'm also planning to actively end another one. But I don't want to do it. Even though I don't feel that I can be this person's friend anymore, it's as if the past friendship keeps me from wanting to be truthful.

Or maybe it's easier on myself to let a relationship fade away instead of possibly admitting to myself that I picked a jerk for a friend.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000


I love you too, Gwen.

Just kidding.

It's difficult for me to end friendships, because I always remember the fun times and the instances where the other person has been a good friend to me. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and keep in mind that no one's perfect, and it usually just seems easier to let the friendship wane or die than to tell the person why I just don't want to know them anymore.

In high school, there was a time when I stopped speaking to my best friend, because she was totally up her boyfriend's ass all the time, ignoring her friends unless she wasn't with him or on the phone with him. I eventually resumed speaking to her because it was easier to get through the school day if we were friends, and I'm really glad I did, because we were teenagers and she got over that phase and we're still the best of friends to this day. But, as I said, we were teenagers. I feel like I shouldn't put up with bullshit from other adults.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000


Jackie, hold on -- I'm still composing my break-up e-mail to you... psych.

Word on remembering the good times. It sucks so hard to have a long history of friendship with someone, and then to feel like you want/have to break it off. Because part of you keeps remembering the good stuff and saying, "No, no... there must have been some kind of mistake." And then the other part of you is saying, "No, fuck that. I can't let people treat me this way."

It sucks. For a lot things I'll avoid the issue, but sometimes I simply have to have a big drama-queen show down. I wish I never had to break up with friends, though. It fucking kills me.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000


I don't think I would be able to call someone and tell them that I am ending the friendship right there and then, unless that person really hurt me. Hell, even in high school my closest friend hurt me so badly that I still have friendship problems, yet I didn't end the friendship at a particular point, I just let it drift away. I think that was because we had mutual friends and I wanted to enjoy my senior year and not have to worry about who I hung around with and if they got along with said ex-friend.

I guess I'm afraid that if I do confront someone and tell them I no longer want to be their friend, some time in the future I will need their help or I would end up interviewing for a great job and have to talk to ex-friend's buddy and not get the job or whatever that would make me regret my decision to end the friendship. I guess I'm afraid to burn bridges.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000



Burning bridges is not a healthy thing emotionally. You may feel good at the moment for telling someone to jump straight up your ass...do not pass go or collect $200...but in the end you'll regret it. I've been onfrontational about it and I eventually feel like crap. Relationships wither on their own sort of naturally, and if you don't do anything to antagonize the situation, you can feel like you're the injured party and be self-righteous in your matyrdom. Heh, heh, no really...it ALL sucks, no matter what you do. When it comes to old lovers I've always thought the correct and justifiable thing to do is kill them.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000

Ouch. This brings back painful memories. My best friend all through high school was dating this guy, who she is now married to. Anyway, this guy decides that for some reason or another, he doesn't like me and she's not allowed to talk to me anymore. He was supporting her because she had no family and felt like she had no other choice. I was 4 months pregnant at the time, when I needed a friend most. She finally called me up and told me that she wasn't allowed to be my friend anymore. I've seen her with her husband within the past few months. She's pregnant now...All she did was look at me and walk away. This whole situation was very traumatic for me and took me a long time to get over. I'm just the type to kind of taper off contact, I suppose.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000

Well, I usually like Oprah just fine but she lost her mind on this one. It's far kinder to just let a friendship wither on the vine. It's natures way.

Bubba, Here's one of my favorite quotes (although I have no idea why!) that I think you'll enjoy:

"In our family we don't divorce our men-we bury them." -Ruth Gordon

Really, I am completely non-violent person. But I still think that quote is so damn funny...maybe it's time to get back into therapy.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2000


I had a very close friendship end a couple of years ago, and it was particularly ugly due to others' involvement and larger situations, etc. We never had a big confrontation, but I feel like that was closer to an active end than a tapering off. It was a very painful thing, and still is, and part of what made it so painful was that it had been so sudden and unforeseen. It took a long time to work through.

It still would have been awful if it had tapered off, and I suppose an argument could be made that the pain is actually drawn out longer in that way, but I think it's gentler. If I had had some time to prepare myself, I could have had gradual realisations about the betrayal, had time to bitch to my friends and convince myself I was better off, etc etc. Instead it was sudden and staggering and it absolutely gutted me.

Bubba's right about the old lovers, though.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


Shannon, God,I can't believe you went through what I am experiencing now. A friend of fifteen years has a husband who has never liked me because she is/was? very smart and wanted to go to Med. School. I thought she'd be a great Dr. I went to grad. school. This guy is very insecure and felt his wife should stay home and have babies, which she did. She has helped me through a lot of horrible times. Last year their marriage almost fell apart. I never encouraged her to leave him. I even talked to him for 3 hours. Never-the-less, I was made one of their scapegoats and put on a list of her friends she is not allowed to talk to. It really, really hurts because I've really needed her the past year and I can't understand how someone can do that to someone else, especially professed "born again Christans". I've sent her 2 emails, one a year ago and one last week, they were received but no response. What would you guys do? Help, it hurts.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


Oops, sorry Shanna (not Shannon)

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000

Friends, if the connections over, just need to wither away. One of my college roommates always considered me a close friend, but to tell the truth, I would be nice to her but never really looking forward to spending time with her. My husband can't stand her. So I tried keeping her at a distance. Our lives have changed and we don't have anything in common and never did.

But about two years ago, her husband died very suddenly. He was a young man and it was completely out of the blue, and left her to raise their preschooler alone. I was glad I never had a showdown with her and told her to stop calling. It was just one of those times when she needed as many people as possible to fill her days.

I agree with y'all about past romances, though. They need to move far, far away, and break all contact with common acquaintances. It's the only fair thing to do.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


I'm currently torn over whether or not to ditch some friends who are also 'friends' with one of my ex-boyfriends. They hang out with him but talk shit about him constantly, and love to run to me and badmouth him or tell me what's going on his life. I do not care. I've told them I don't care, and asked them not to mention him to me -- or me to him -- but they persist.

I don't know how many different ways I can say, 'Hey, you know what? I don't give a fuck.'

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


I think that if a friend is just getting on your nerves in general, or if you've grown apart, then it's definitely better to let it fade away and not make a scene. What I'm wondering about, though, is what you do when a friend actually hurts your feelings at a specific instant. Let's say you spend three days with your friend, and he/she acts weird and rude. And at the time you don't say anything, because you're surprised and waiting to see what's next. But afterwards you realize that your friend treated you badly, in a way that people don't treat friends. Do you call and say, "Hey, goddammit, you hurt my fucking feelings" or do you wait and hope for an apology that may never come, or do you decide that the person's not your friend anymore? And what happens when that friend calls you up and acts like nothing untoward happened? He/she says, "Hey, what's up? How's it going? So, how'd you like that new movie? What's up with your family? Did you ever get rid of that toenail fungus?" Do you say:
a. "Oh, hey, what's up?"
b. "Oh, um, uh, I'm sorta busy right now."
c. "[icy silence]"
d. "Hey, goddammit, you hurt my fucking feelings." The bomb's about to explode. What do you do? What do you do???

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000

It's definitely a tricky issue, eh? I'm not advocating enduring brutal friendships or keeping up facades for years, but I also don't know that it does anyone any good to flat out say, "I don't want to be your friend any more." One old friend, whom I was trying the "please Lord, let it die a natural, non-confrontational death" tactic with, showed up at my office and started berating me for ignoring her...I mean, screaming at me in front of my co-workers. I don't know that things would have ended any more smoothly had I told her the week before, "Yes, you are right...I am ignoring you." I guess I really wonder if the dumped friend wants to know what she's being dumped, or if anything said is just taken as hateful?

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


I did the worst thing when I let other people -- namely, the sycophant -- get involved. I was getting sick of my best friend's nasty remarks and general bad attitude. I mean, you think *I'm* an opinionated bitch? She took the cake. But to complicate everything, she was dating my h.s.b.f.'s good friend, and everyone ended up tangled up in it... especially the sycophant, who was encouraging me to be "strong" and write the ex-friend this letter telling her all the reasons why I didn't want to be around her, etc. I wasn't surprised when, after the h.s.b.f. and I finally split up and the sycophant moved in on him, she ALSO decided to become "best of friends" with my ex-friend too. That didn't last long, but it was amusing while it did.

But that nasty letter I sent the ex-friend is one of my big life regrets... I shoulda kept that to myself, man.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


Gwen, here's what I'd do. I tend to let things roll off my back. If this person is otherwise cool but treated me unfriendly once and then called me up to shoot the breeze, I'd probably chat if I figured it would be interesting or productive... But I'd keep that person at arm's length for a long time. Maybe that's just a protective stance, a defense mechanism. I haven't been in such a situation, but I think that's the way I'd proceed.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000

I would just ask them, 'Hey, what was up with you being weird and rude to me?' If they don't seem to know what you're talking about, give examples.

The only time I ever lost my temper with my best friend was in high school. She'd begged me to go to a baseball game with her, and then when she spotted her not-quite-boyfriend on the other side of the park, she went and sat with him 'for a few minutes' (which turned into a half hour or so) and left my by myself. After that half hour, I walked over to her and asked her for the keys to her car, so I could get my jacket out of her trunk and head home. She seemed incredulous that I was leaving, and asked me why I wouldn't stay. I told her why, and she just stood there with her mouth wide open. She honestly didn't think she was being shitty to me, and when we talked about this (and other boy-related incidents like it) recently, she still maintained that she had no idea at the time that she was being such an ass to her friends over these boys. Sometimes people just don't realise; once you point it out to them, I think it's up to them to clean up their act.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


Before I say anything else, I want to tell y'all that the friends I'm having problems with are NOT anyone who reads this forum. And the three days thing was something I just made up for an example and didn't correspond to friends that I just saw for three evenings in Toronto. I should have thought of that before I posted. Sorry!

Jackie and Paul, I think you're right. Elena, that was a good way to look at it. I guess if my friend was mad at ME, and it was over something specific I did, I'd hope she would tell me so I could explain, apologize, and change. Then again, if she was angry about something she'd just discovered about my *personality* (like, "What? Gwen doesn't vote for George Bushes? I can't hang with her anymore!") then I guess it'd save us both trouble if she didn't mention it.

If she was mad because I did something actually shitty and unfriendlike to her, on purpose... well, first of all, I hope I'd never treat a friend badly on purpose. Second, I hope that if I did, I'd have a damned good reason and I'd beg for forgiveness before my friend had to call it to my attention.

Obviously I could talk about this stuff all day.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


I just recently ended a friendship with someone. I didn't call her up and go off, I just stopped emailing and calling (she lives in a different city). Since I was the one who initiated contact 80% of the time, it pretty much effectively killed all communication. I'm one of those panty-waist, wishy washy people who don't like conflict, so basically, I treated her like someone you've been out on 3 dates with, but don't want to start a relationship with. (you know, you just "mysteriously" never hear from that person again...) Caller ID helps. I'm sure if I saw her, we'd be nice to each other but it'd definitely be fake. I think if you're really meant to be friends, you can ASK that person what's wrong and they'll tell you, you work it out, etc. If you can't communicate that much, then maybe it's best you aren't friends to begin with.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000

I usually let them trickle away. I always hope that things might change and that some time down the road they might be healthy to be friends with again. No burnt bridges here.

But there were friendly acquaintances who pushed me to the limit and which I burnt bridges with loudly and publicly because they deserved it and I'd been tolerant for TWO YEARS about it. Told her to keep the fuck away from me and stop buddying up to me and other mutual friends in public and then talking slime about me and other mutual friends when we were NOT there, and I didn't care WHAT her mental problems were anymore, but they did not excuse that kind of garbage and that was unacceptable from anyone at any time for any reason and she needed to fuck off and go to hell. And she fucked off and went to hell and my life was much jollier, as were the lives of our mutual friends who she also fucked off from. And we lived happily ever after.

There was also an abrupt "withering away" on two occasions with roommates who were boorish beyond short description, where I left on strained but otherwise fairly good terms, got into a less emotionally toxic living situation and realized how much happier I felt being out of their orbit, and then proceeded to let my answering machine take their calls for months until they got bored and latched onto someone else.

But in general, I try to talk about the problems and to lead by example and save the friendship however I can, and when it is clear that it isn't going to be saved, at least not by me and not at that time, I let it go its own way and if it survives me not expending any energy into it, then great. But usually, since that's often my biggest complaint--me ending up doing all the emotional homework and making all the concessions and being the instigator of most of the unselfish acts--then it's often as troubled as I think it is, and thus it won't survive once I stop doing all the emotional / relationship work on my own.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000


No problem, Vicki...Everyone gets my name wrong. I'm used to it. :-) And yea, this kind of situation just plain sucks. At least from hearing everyone's stories, I know that I'm not the only one that this sort of thing happens to. It's always nice to know you're not alone in the world of frienship diss-ees (I don't think that's a word, but it sounded good to me).

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000

Wow, Jackie..I can totally relate to what you are saying about friends of ex-boyfriends who constantly feel the need to update you about what he is up to! The phrase "Get a clue! I don't give a rat's ass" seems to have no effect on these people! And Gwen, I can't figure out which answer is appropriate when faced with boneheads who act like you didn't just have a fight or something and then start talking about movies or whatever. When you figure out how to deal with these people, please let me know. In general, I prefer the "slowly avoid contact" approach when ending a friendship. I hate confrontation.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2000

In reference to old lovers, I saw a bumper sticker today some of you may enjoy: "I still miss my EX...But my aim is improving!"

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

Oh Bubba, I have to get that bumper sticker. It reminds me of a saying, "men(or ex-whatevers), ya can't love 'em, ya can't kill em". Anyway, *no body* has given me any ideas as to how I can handle my current situation. Come on guys, I've used up my creativity. Thanks

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

Vicki - I guess I left your question alone because, in my experience, that situation has never worked itself out so that I've made up with girlfriends who've cut my out because of Disapproving Boyfriends. I *have* had many a tearful phone call (usually followed by a few reconciliatory drinks out one night) from an old friend who cut me out because of her boyfriend...these instances suspiciously followed times when they broke up... but as soon as they got back together, my calls were no longer returned. I was really resentful for awhile, but then I realized, "Hey, I can't do anything about it and I'm an idiot if I keep welcoming her back each time this happens." I'm sad that it doesn't look like we'll be friends again, but I feel like I need to move on and not stay mad about something. In my better moments, I feel forgiving because I know she isn't happy with him (how can you be happy with someone who forbids you to talk to your friends?)

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

Vicki, I'm sorry...but my situation, which is so similar to yours, never worked out. I sent her emails and cards in the mail, too. No response. I didn't wanna seem like a stalker, so after one email and one card, I let it go. I don't know what to say. I know it hurts, especially when you know, as Elena said, that the friend isn't going to be happy with someone who won't let them see their friends.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2000

Vicki - that's a real bummer, but I've got no advice that would be worth anything. Whenever a man and a woman have it out...I run the other way if I want to be friends with them later. Did you know that cops consider a domestic disturbance call as potentially dangerous as an armed robbery call? What does that tell you? You're obviously wasting your heartfelt emotion on someone who isn't returning it. Turn the loving and nuturing and sharing portion of yourself on someone who deserves it, who will return it and most of all, on someone who needs it. You can step into someone's life and change everything, because you care.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2000

Hey thanks. You guys are great. I guess I really knew all this before, but it does help to have everything validated by people who have been there. And you are absolutely right, I know she is not happy. Oh well, thanks again :)

-- Anonymous, October 21, 2000

I think it's good that you at least tried to contact her. If she ever needs help, she'll know you will probably be there for her.

-- Anonymous, October 23, 2000

guyz me and brett broke up cuz he cheeted on me! can you beleive it??/ see i was working at a sex line to make xrta money for are halloween wdedding, well guess what???? brett was out of town at a race and the phone sex line rings and this guy is talking raleey nasty to me and the hole time im thinkin i reconize that voice i knew it was him cuz he was saying the same stuff he allwyas says to me. so i go brett is that you and he goes flooster? and im like yes and he goes why are you working at a phone sex line and how come you did not tell me and i go cuz i was trying to earn xtra moneys for ARE wedding and why are you spending money at a 900 line you prevert!

so we get in this big fight and i tell him that its over cuz he cheeted on me and he goes but im cheeting on you with you and i said it doesnt matter and then he syas im cheeting on him to cuz i have phone xes with all these guys and i said no im not getting off on it and then he says its over cuz i hid things from him and anyways to make a long story short we were fightin on the phone for 2 hours and it costed over 1000 dollars cuz its 5.99 a minute and now were to broke to get married and we just called the hole thing off.

i still love him tho :((

-- Anonymous, October 25, 2000


Aw, floosie hon, that is so sad!

Are you still working for the phone sex place? Maybe if enough of us called and asked for you, you could make enough money for the wedding!

-- Anonymous, October 25, 2000


Floosie, I have to think that you are totally making that up. I can't help it. I can only suspend so much disbelief.

-- Anonymous, October 26, 2000

Floosie, don't let some nasty people on this board make you feel bad about yourself and your situation. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction and others would rather disbelieve than be supportive.

You have my email, floosie. Please get in touch with me in private again if you want to talk about it some more.

-- Anonymous, October 26, 2000


Why is that so hard to believe? Stranger things have happened, you know.

Floosie, I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. I hope you two can work things out. Take care.

-- Anonymous, October 26, 2000


kelie no i quit after that cuz whats the point? beleive me you it was'nt fun!!!!! shelley and nicloe thanx :)!!! its nice to know you guyz care cuz its ben hard :(

jill im sorry but your a very mean person. i could say the same abuot your posts cuz you seem to know every thing about every topic and i find that very hard to veleive. im sorry but my life isnt perfec like yours but im not gonna let it bother me any more cuz im a nice person!!!! :)

-- Anonymous, October 26, 2000


I don't mean to be mean. It's not like I come here and post just so I can start fights and egg people on; I really just come here so I can show y'all how very smart and perfect I am. Floosie, if you are truly everything you represent yourself to be here, then more power to you.

-- Anonymous, October 26, 2000

How very self righteous of you, Jill.

floosie, I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love. I think you should hook up with some girlfriends and have a Girl's Night Out this weekend.

So has Bret tried to get in touch with you? If he does, what do you think you will say to him?

-- Anonymous, October 26, 2000


Wait a minute, Nicole, does this mean we're no longer friends?

-- Anonymous, October 27, 2000

Jill, you must have been mistaken. We never were friends.

-- Anonymous, October 27, 2000

Aw Floozie, that's so sad! I hope that you and Bret can patch things up before Remembrance Day. That would also make a good holiday- themed wedding. You could have little kids recite In Flanders Fields and if you have an evening wedding and stealthy friends you can cut costs by snagging flowers from the cenotaph. Trust me, dead people -- esp. this Unknown Soldier guy -- do not need pretty floral wreaths the way a bride does.

If you have the wedding during the day be sure to time your vows so that you say the big "I do" during the 'moment of silence'. Then everybody in town will get to share in your big moment!

-- Anonymous, October 27, 2000


thanx again to all yuo guyz who have been so nice to me!!! :) im glad some poeple have kindness in there hearts!

-- Anonymous, October 27, 2000

Jill, how could you! After all you two have been through together. I'm downright astonished at your uncaring attitude. Humph!!! James

-- Anonymous, October 28, 2000

Floosie, I'm so sorry. I just read about you and Brett. I hope you're okay. You're a cool girl, and you'll find someone just as good, or better than Brett soon. Hugs to you !

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2000

Oh, no floosie! Maybe Brett will come to his senses and try to win you back.

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2000

thnx furitbar!!!! :) yestrday would have be our wedding day. it was a very sad day fro me :((( butt i got thru thanx to my freinds. no me and brett havent talked since that terrable day and i havent seen him around town cuz i havent been leaving my house much expect for work. im doing ok tho :)) and thanx shanna :)!!!

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2000

Oh, floosie. Don't worry. You'll find a better man than Brett before you know it.

-- Anonymous, November 02, 2000

thnx srwrnort!!! i think im ready to date again :))

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2000

Some friends of mine set up an email mailing list so we could all keep in touch. Recently one of our friends decided that he didn't want to be part of the list anymore because he was offended by one of us supposedly joking about a sensitive subject. The fact that the person really did not joke about the sensitive subject makes me think that he wanted to leave the list but was too chicken to actually tell us why he didn't want to keep in touch with us anymore, and this was an easy way out.

I'm not too upset that this person decided to cut ties because I didn't have much in common with him anyway, but I don't like that he decided to break off from us is such a lame way.

-- Anonymous, November 10, 2000


Hi, I don't know if this is a private or open forum - if it's the former I'm sorry for intruding. I found this page because I am searching for info about friendship breakups, as I think my best friend of 16 years is trying to break up with me without telling me.

Really, I just wanted to say to those of you who honestly feel they are being kinder and gentler by letting friendships wither, that (although it helps me to finally understand that perhaps someone who did the withering thing some years ago, so thanks for the insight into it) it really may turn out to be the most hurtful way of ending a friendship, in some cases. It took me far longer to get over the friend who never told me it was over, just distanced herself and left me to wonder if it was something I had done and if I should be trying to make amends, than it would have done if she had been honest about her feelings.

My current friendship-in-trouble is hurting me enormously because my friend has not been honest about her intentions and I am the sort of person who deals better with a short sharp shock than a long drawn out never-ending wondering what has happened.

I understand that few people want to overtly hurt someone we have been close to by telling them it is over, but if you hope to spare them some pain by letting it wither, please realise that it might lead to them hurting a lot more and a lot longer. Honestly, for some people (like myself) it makes it so much easier to heal and move on and think tenderly when remembering the old times.

Take care and I hope that it was okay for me to stop by and ramble :-) I just felt really moved to say something as it's a subject hurting me so much at the moment.

illyana

-- Anonymous, December 18, 2000


illyana, I agree with you completely. I just realized that someone I have been friends with for a long time has been "tapering off" for probably a whole year (at least!). Now I feel like a total fool, all this time I have been acting like everything is fine and my friend has been opening mail from me, wishing I would just stop sending it. It has ruined all good feelings I had about our friendship. Funny thing, I have felt at times that I was ready for our friendship to end but wasn't sure so I didn't say anything. I can understand completely why people do this, but as I said before it ruins all the good times in my mind too. I can't even think about them anymore. So all you taperers out there...QUIT IT.

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2001

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