I've been spending far too much time alone in the car lately. My brain starts working in strange ways when that happens, and yesterday, I found myself hoping that a MARTA bus would tip over. I didn't want anyone to get hurt, but these things are so huge and balance so precariously when they turn, that I thought it'd just be really cool if one kinda tipped too far.

I also fantasize about beating up one of my customers. To make it fair, I let her put up a good fight, but end up kicking her butt and send her sniveling off to resign just so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

My dreams are very small, these days, but satisfying. Share some of the cruel twists of fate you'd like to see.

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

Answers

I would love to see Jerry Falwell get caught in a sex scandal and his "Old Time Gospel" empire falls, and all the people that live around me who think they are holier than thou have to rethink their beliefs.

I've also found that people who had made my work-life miserable in the past end up either dead or applying for a job at a place I work at and I get to tell the people who do the hiring to just throw away his/her resume.

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

I used to fantasize about destroying the car ahead of me with a roof-mounted flame thrower. Now I imagine snapping my fingers and sending it back to where it was a block or two before.

Sometimes I fantasize about a certain rival being exposed as the phony jerk he/she is.

Those are the only mean thoughts, I think. The rest involve sex and various celebrities -- very boring.

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

Gwen, I have that fantasy about hitting the car in front of me with a weapon, too! Except, instead of a flame thrower, I use a rocket launcher.

Those long-distance providers who insist on calling me every week after I've told them my company's not interested in their services? I want to see them all spontaneously combust. I'd pay good money to watch it.

The rest of my fantasies are about large, strapping young men in uniforms, and no one would care about those.

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

Yeah, definitely car-annihilating weaponry is one of my childish fantasies. That, and some cool Matrix-style kung fu on some really deserving people. :-)

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

Nicole, no one is going to WILLINGLY have sex with Jerry Falwell, so you'll have to wish for something more realistic, like say...quality television or is that an oxymoron?

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

Someone recently mentioned how much they'd like an Instant Karma Blaster. That way you could blast the jerk in front of you who is driving with his knees or whatever and if he truly had it coming, he'd have all sorts of bad luck descend upon him IMMEDIATELY. On the other hand, if they were generally pretty decent people but just having a bad day and if they'd fucked up because their minds were elsewhere, then your Instant Karma Blaster would do nothing or it would give them good fortune. And if they were having a bad day, that'd be rather nice of you to be all forgiving and stuff. Aw. How sweet.

Anyway, I'd like one of those, and a human-type Invisible Fence for our property. If you aren't supposed to be in our yard, then I really won't be heartbroken if you trespass and then get a severe shock and wet yourself or something. There are so many flaws with this plan, though, unfortunately. I wouldn't want some animal hurt, nor a kid chasing a ball into my yard to be zapped. Also, administering severe shocks to people without warning is bad, so I'd be in for some serious trouble if someone else got an Instant Karma Blaster, though. Maybe we can just wire up our cars instead. There's no reason at all why you should be messing about with my vehicle.

There was a TV playing some old VCR tape of videos when I was in a club recently and on the tape was a commercial for VIPER car alarm systems or something. Cool. If I could have a big badass ill-tempered burglar-eating cobra pop out the minute a bad guy touched my car, I'd buy one. I suspect that this was just false advertising, though, and that there really isn't a big snake involved at all. Quel dommage.

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

When people are being OUTRAGEOUS assholes (cruel to service people, nasty to anyone they feel is "under" them), I wish they would IMMEDIATELY break out in painful sores that would MARK them for their poor behavior. Also, people who abuse children and pets, I want really AWFUL things to befall them AND a loud booming voice to scream in their ear, "This is for all the pain and suffering YOU caused! And, just so you know, it will only get WORSE!" I want bad, evil people to get their comeuppance and KNOW it. ----

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2000

I know some truly evil people. They take plane flights together...

-- Anonymous, October 13, 2000

That cracks me up! A previous employer, whom most everyone despised, decided to get his pilot's license. One of our coworkers really, really hated this man, and finally quit about seven years ago. He says he still gets a glimmer of hope everytime he hears the words, "A small plane crashed in North Georgia today" on the news.

-- Anonymous, October 13, 2000

Everytime I'm somewhere really boring and really quiet (library, for example) I just have this incredible urge to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs! I'll think about it, I'll even shift my weight as if I'm going to stand up and do it...This goes back to junior high algebra class.

-- Anonymous, October 13, 2000

I sometimes fantasize about being invisible so I could go and do terrible things to bad people like Sadman Hussien and those assholes in the middle east that hurt each others families. And I could go into court rooms and castrate guys that mess with little kids. And I could pour boiling water on guys that burn little kids. And I could go around and disable cars so drunks can't kill people. And I could kill Richard Davis for killing that little girl. And I could hurt the people that let him out of jail in the first place. And I could sneak a peek at Floosie's butterfly. Oh! Sorry, different thread. James

-- Anonymous, October 14, 2000