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One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Man U fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Man U fans too. Not really knowing what a Man U fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Man U fan." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why I'm proud to be a City fan.", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a City fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are City fans, and I'm a City fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Man U fan."

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Jaap Stam, Andy Cole and David Beckham noticed that Alex Ferguson always left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when Alex Ferguson leaves, they'll all leave early too. Later in the day they see Alex Ferguson leave early so they do too. Jaap Stam goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. Andy Cole goes home and cooks dinner for his family. David Beckham goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife, Posh Spice in bed with Alex Ferguson, so he shuts the door and leaves quietly. The next day Jaap Stam and Andy Cole are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask David Beckham if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!" 4 What do you do if you see a man united fan walking towards you with a gaping wound? Stop laughing, reload and take another shot. 5 What does Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4:45pm and Wormwood Scrubs have in common? They're both full of cockneys trying to get out. 6 Sammy,a Newcastle Utd fan dies and goes to hell.He wants to leave and go to heaven.The Devil agrees but says"You have to have sex with the ugliest girl in Hell".He agrees and Jaap Stam's wife appears.Sammy has sex with her and is violently sick everywhere.He is finished and he is about to leave and he sees a foxy woman having sex with Alex Ferguson.He complains to the Devil,and the Devil says"Yeah,she wanted to go to heaven aswell"!!!! 7 Andy Cole was off injured at home. Alex Ferguson went round there and asked him if he could get him anything. Cole said "Yeah, I'd like a bag of potatoes from the local supermarket please." So off trots Alex to Sainsbury's, when who should he see in there but England team manager Kevin Keegan. "Hi Kev," says Ferguson. "Hello," says Keegan. "What are you doing in here Alex?" Ferguson says, "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole." "I say," says Keegan."That's a good deal!" 8 There was a Toon Fan, a Man Utd fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Toon Fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Utd fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard. The Utd fan was thinking: 'That Toon Fan must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Utd fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Toon Fan and got slapped for it.' And the Toon Fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Utd bastard again, harder.' 9 Ferguson is curious how Arsenal has reached the double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Wenger coaches his team. After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: 'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'. 'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie. Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Man. United's practice the next day. So that day during practice he calls Beckham over to the sidelines. 'David, I have a question for you', he says,'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?'. 'My God, coach', is the Spice boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do ask me these questions?' Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement. So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?'. 'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam. So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: 'David, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'It is Jaap Stam!'. Ferguson answers:'No of course not, stupid, it is Dennis Bergkamp!!!!'

-- Anonymous, September 29, 2000

Answers

sorry about the bad formatting

-- Anonymous, September 29, 2000