I have an unopened e mail in my inbox from a Makem in my office. It could well be about work but even if if it is, it won't be able to resist references to allusions. How sad is it that I can't even bring myself to open it?

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

Answers

Set up an auto reply telling him to 'f''k off!'. Simple but he needs telling.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

Hardly a problem. If it is a wind-up, merely remind the chimp fancier that his/her 'team' are STILL below us in the league, we've no players on 5 yellow cards (Dirty Don), our manager isn't a running joke, and we actually turn out to support our team no matter who the opposition is.

Then tell them to f*&k off...

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

What he actually said:

Unlucky at the weekend - he says with a big smile on his face!

We were unlucky not to win at Anfield - we always outplay them and not get the right result, still, got to be happy with our first away point!

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000