Bridal showers -- what's up with them?

Heh. I mean, is there a difference between a shower and a bachelorette party? Does a woman need both these days? Most importantly... if a guest brings a (houseware) gift to the bridal shower, does she need to bring one to the wedding, too?

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

Answers

Bridal showers mean grandmas and aunts you haven't seen in a million years show up and give you embroidered kitchen towels. You have to wear a paper plate with all of the bows from the presents on your head. They're not much fun, but necessary for family harmony.

Bachelorette parties mean friends sticking you in a mini-van and they pay for your drinks at the bars all night. You have to wear a t-shirt with Life-Savers sewn onto them and get single guys to bite them off. And at some bars, the bartender will peel a banana, put whipped cream on top of it, stick it down his pants, and then you have to eat the banana.

My family always gave presents at the bridal shower and a card with money in it at the wedding.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

I just had to explain this to my husband a few weeks ago.

I've always thought a shower was to help the bride and groom (since is is now the cool thing to have co-ed showers) get stuff for their home before the wedding, since many times they are moving into a new place right after the honeymoon or find a place to live together before the wedding. Lord knows I needed one since we had bought a home and were living there months before the wedding and I needed a shitload of things for the house. I had to explain to my husband that a bottle of nice wine is NOT a good shower gift.

Now, a bottle of wine is a good bachelorette party gift. Thank god I didn't have one, because A.) They seem really embarassing for the bride, and B.) The city I live in is so lame and the men that inhabit the one club in town are so cheesy that you couldn't pay me to let them touch me, let alone eat things off my shirt.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

I'm no expert but for the last 3 years, I've been to about a kazillion weddings (1/2 of them people I actually knew). If you buy a gift for the COUPLE for a wedding shower, you aren't under an obligation to get a present to take at the wedding. In fact, most people I know buy their gifts for showers from the wedding registry, that's why there are so few reasonably priced items on the list by the actual wedding week. If you buy a shower gift that's just for the guy or the girl, then yes, you should bring a present to the wedding that is for both of them. The bachelorette parties I've been to have all been lingerie parties where everyone gets the bride something raunchy to wear on the honeymoon or sex toys, etc. Though one could probably argue that is a "couple gift," usually I go ahead and get them something else.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

The way it works in my sphere, or atleast in my family's, since most of my friends did not have showers and nor did I, is that old lady neighbours of your parents, various female relatives, and friends of your mother attend bridal showers. They give householdy type gifts like hand mixers, towels, gadgetry, etc. There is punch, a buffet, cake, sometimes boozey drinks. Some of those people attending may not be invited to your wedding. The rest who are, will also give you a wedding gift, usually cash. Occasionally, someone throws a lingerie- only shower because the bride and groom already have all the household crap they need.

A bachelorette party (though no one I know calls it that) consists of going out to a bar to drink and dance with a bunch of friends of the bride.

That is how it works in my neck of the woods.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

I was always told appropriate shower gifts are things like toasters, rice cookers, towels- "everyday" things. Wedding gifts are nicer, like silver or china or linen. But I think that is a Deep South rule that the rest of the world doesn't care about.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

Also, I was told that it's really tacky to bring the wedding gift with you to the wedding- you should send it to the bride beforehand or to the couple afterwards.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

I heard that too (about not bringing the gift to the actual wedding). Part of the reason is that you have a lot of expensive big gifts laying about, largely unattended and some of the cards have a lot of cash in them. Anyway, I have to add on about the bottle of wine not being appropriate: it IS if you're having a Stock the Bar Shower. I've given about 3 showers and I always try to have a theme and have it be for Both members of the couple.. Everyone likes the Stock the Bar (hey, wine and good liquor are expensive!), plus, the rule is: if they get 2 of something, you open the other bottle and start sharing. I also held a Tool Shower for the groom. He registered at Home Depot and stuff. It was fun. Lots of weed whackers, though.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

My bridal shower will likely consist of a few close friends and relatives getting together for a fairly placid afternoon. There will probably be tea, sandwiches, a cake, some minor gifts (as someone mentioned, little things for the house but nothing too expensive or major), some stupid little games or quizzes and then everyone goes home happy. Stuffy? Perhaps. But you couldn't pay me enough to do that lifesaver-shirt thing, and I won't even mention the banana down the bartender's pants. Never. Ever. If any of my friends who will be throwing me a shower are reading this: be forewarned. I will be a very bad sport on these issues.

In my own personal sphere, I wouldn't expect someone who gave me a nice shower gift to give me a wedding gift too, but I don't know what official etiquette is. Unfortunately, there's no real way of telling people in a non-tacky manner what your gift expectations are, even if you just want to tell them not to give you things at both occasions.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

Some people woud prolly claim this is tacky, but I was given two bridal showers... one more "traditional" one with all the great-aunts and cousins, in all its gift-bow-hat glory, and then another, tongue- in-cheek shower by my pals, with froo-froo decor and over-the-top games.

The bachelorette party, needless, was me, some pals, a couple bottles of glitter nail polish, and a whole lotta Duran Duran videos.

I am not the drunken minivan/penis hat, nor the "showers of happiness" and saftey-pin game type, obviously....

I've heard of some people having showers, engagement parties, "Jack- and-Jills" (basically a shower for girls AND boys), teas, bachelorette shin-digs, and at-home parties after the wedding, all for the purpose of rakin' in more Stuff....

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2000

I've never heard of wearing the paper-plate bow creation as a hat - all the showers I've been to, they made it into a "bouquet" and the bride uses it in the rehearsal. Maybe it's a black thing, since I've never been to a "white" wedding (although many of the couples have been interracial).

My sil's shower/bachelorette party was at her friend's house, and there was a stripper there, we ate & drank and she opened her presents, which were mostly nice self-indulgent kinds of gifts, with some lingerie and sex toys thrown in.

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2000

This is going to sound really prudish, but my husband and I both didn't want the bachelor/bachelorette parties. Our thinking was that if we thought we were going to miss being single we wouldn't have bothered to get married, so why celebrate something we were glad to leave behind.

Shower, great-aunts, bow hat...did that. Even though we'd both lived on our own before we met, we still needed lots of household stuff, so the shower was really helpful. Although we did get the useless gifts too, like porcelain napkin rings. Does anybody actually *use* napkin rings?

As far as the wedding gifts are concerned, mostly people give money around here.

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2000

starmama - the bows used as a bouquet during rehearsal is not just a black thing. We did that at my sister's wedding in 1987, and my family is about as white as you can get.

The bridal showers to which I've been invited have been sedate and proper. Bachelorette parties are drunken bacchanals. (BTW, for some excitement at your bachelorette party, hook up with a group of guys who are having a bachelor party. Woo-hoo! Um, not that I'd know that from experience or anything.) Showers are traditional, bachelorette parties are very recent in the grand scheme of etiquette.

Traditionally, shower gifts were less expensive than wedding presents. Back in the day, showers were often themed, like a "lingerie shower" or a "kitchen shower." (Lingerie showers were popular because a woman wasn't supposed to have sexy undergarments before she was married. It was a different time, children.) Yes, you did give both a shower present and a wedding present.

More recently, I've heard of people who give major gifts at showers and money for the wedding. It seems like every neighborhood has its own customs these days, and woe to you if your customs are different.

Except for money envelopes, which can be given to the best man, it's not a good idea to bring presents to the wedding or reception. I know people do it, but don't. It adds logistical problems to an already logistically tricky gathering. If you're afraid the couple will think you're stiffing them, send the gift before the wedding. (Full disclosure: I'm so traditional that I refuse to wear black to weddings, so understand that I'm telling you the traditional etiquette rules, not what your group may be doing this year. I will cite etiquette books at you if you insist - I have a collection of them.)


-- Anonymous, September 20, 2000

I learned through bitter experience that livestock and a year's supply of prophylactics are not appreciated as gifts.

-- Anonymous, September 21, 2000

Man I just went through this a few months back for my friend's wedding. She had two showers: one traditional one and one even more traditional given by a group of 'ladies' that were friends of her mother-in-law. As the maid of honour, and I'm not the type at all, it was rough. Both times.

The craziest thing though was that at the first shower, the sister-in- law made a bra out of two plates and bows and she had to wear it with a tiara. The bra was made of several normal bows and each plate had a red fluffy bow in the centre for the nipple. CHEESE!! I had nothing to do with that.

When I think of showers I always think of the scene in the movie "Safe" where Julianne Moore is at a shower and everything is really pastel pink and pretty and she starts having an anxiety attack and can't breathe. It's actually a baby shower in that scene, but still. What can I say. These traditions fascinate and frighten me at the same time.

-- Anonymous, September 22, 2000

Hi Gwen&Co. I've dropped by from time to time and figure it's time to chime in. I had a friend who had a great bachelorette party...She just got about half a dozen or so of her friends together and took a "girls-only" roadtrip for a few days. Since she probably won't be taking many vacations with her girlfriends and without her husband in the future, it was a fun "last hurrah", and a lot more meaningful than going to La Bare or hiring a male stripper....it's not like that was something she ever did for fun before the wedding!

-- Anonymous, September 22, 2000

Fruitbat, I just need to ask, why wouldn't your friend go on vacation with girlfriends? If I sat at home waiting for my husband to take me places, I wouldn't have gone to Chicago, Virginia Beach, Toronto, and Las Vegas in the past year. I really hope your friend doesn't expect to go everywhere with only her husband - she would be missing out on a lot of great trips!

-- Anonymous, September 22, 2000

Getting married and giving up things like trips? Hmmm. The only thing my wife gave up when she married me was a certain sense of decorum.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 2000

HIIII!!!!!!!!! i have'nt been around much coz its been a very really exciteing week for me!!! im gonna need your advise coz brett aksed me to maryy him and i said yes!!!! and its gonna be soon to! we have'nt set a date yet cuz brett has alot of races on the weekend and he cant get out of them. so please give me advise on partys and weddings. thanxxx!!!!

-- Anonymous, September 24, 2000

Congratulations Floosie!

-- Anonymous, September 24, 2000