Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3)15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: $20.00 for oil change

$1.00 for coffee

Total = $21.00

Oil Change instructions

for Men:

1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.

2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

12) Clean up mess.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Look for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

16) Beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

30) Drink beer.

31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest.

35) Beer.

36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

37) Beer.

38) Beer.

39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

40) Beer.

41) Lower car from jack stands.

42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

44) Beer.

45) Test drive car.

46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

47) Car gets impounded.

48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent: $50.00 parts

$25.00 beer

$75.00 replacement set of jack stands

$1,000.00 Bail

$200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1350.00

-- cin (cin@=0.)), September 17, 2000

Answers

This analysis is inaccurate. Step 38 is wrong.

-- (hmm@hmm.hmm), September 17, 2000.

Reality check on oil change:Husband changing wife's car oil: Between 9 and 10 discover after drinking many beers and Buddy seconds notion, that extreme hunger is now a priority. Look around ,check refrig.nothing there, spot wife's favorite cat, a Siamese lolling on yonder windowsill, suggest to Buddy to fire up grill,theres food to be had..a quick humane blow to back of Siamese's head,simple and deft handling of favorite pocket knife and on the grill it goes..obviously using a blend of oak,mesquite and pecan if available...while she smokes over that cool smoke back to the oil change we go,in a hurry now we must finish before the meat is done..oil change complete..open another beer..Buddy wonders if wife will miss Siamese..no way theres plenty more,laying all over the place..easiest meat harvesting there could be..nothing like a complete day..oil change on the wife's car, a cold beer and a natural thinning of the herd..Buddy says maybe next weekend we could do the Persian,looking awful fat..nay says I, methinks the yellow tabby would look mighty fine lanquishing on the grill as we contemplate perhaps another chore and another cold beer..oh well life goes on,except for the occational feline that is..

-- meat be meat (whether its Siamese,Persian or t@b.by), September 17, 2000.

You forgot the 30 days in jail and the $5000 fine after the conviction for DUI.

-- dennis rodman (partying@life.away), September 17, 2000.

meat, you are one sick f*ck

-- cin (cin@=0.)), September 23, 2000.

Meat, is this a fantasy you have about your wife's many cats? I don't blame you! LOL

-- (lol@lol.lol), September 23, 2000.

Pretty funny, Cin. And not all that far wrong.

I personally don't trust people who don't like cats. They seem to be hiding their insecurity by acting superior. Perhaps they realize that their intellects are inferior to the intellect of the average housecats.

I have even less respect for people like meat and lol. What a pair of sick little fucks. Please get yourselves admitted to the nearest mental hospital for evaluation immediately, before you hurt yourselves, or someone else.

JOJ

-- jumpoffjoe (jumpoff@echoweb.net), September 23, 2000.

JOJ, I don't like you. So fuck yourself. How's that?

-- (lol@lol.lol), September 23, 2000.

Well another chore started and finished with no one maimed or hurt,this weekend I changed the tires on the wifes car,.last weekend after changing the oil and having a magnificent cook out, Buddy the ever observant advised that my truck tires may be on a recall list and since my wife needed new tires anyway we decided we'de do a swap and the little lady couldn't be happier,did say the car rode a little higher and a bit rougher ,but decided to go visit her sister,Evonne anyway yesterday..monday ol gal asked if I had seen her Siamese,told her I was awful sorry to have to tell her but that the cat had been hit on the road and I had burried it in the yard,showed her the little grave marker and she was a little tearry eyed, she was glad when I told her I'd get her another kitten..just basic re-stocking of the herd.. told Buddy we probably couldn't smoke the Tabby following the sudden demise of the ever succulent Siamese..but the neighbor had a cat called a Absynillon or some such and it was running just a bit too loose,and might get hit by that crazy kid drivin the Mustang..oh well never can tell what we can rustle up to put on the grill..

-- meat be meat (whether its Siamese or wh@tev.er), September 24, 2000.