Do you think it's rude or unreasonable for couples to specify that they do want children at their wedding?

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Answers

I don't have any kids, and I think it's reasonable to say who you want and don't want coming to a party that you throw. But a lot of my friends who have kids seem very insulted when an invitation does say "adult only" or whatever, so maybe I don't have the whole picture.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

I say let them be in the ceremony and the start of the party, but send them home before the reception gets in full swing. Having a little boy catch the garter takes a lot of fun out of the garter catching tradition. Of course, I haven't any children, so my opinion is biased toward not having them at the party.

How do you politely tell the child bringing guests that you'd like the kids to leave after a certain hour?

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

In the invitations we sent out, it said an adult reception would follow the ceremony. We were paying about $100 a plate for the dinner at the reception and we knew that little kids wouldn't like what we were serving so we didn't want to waste money on food that wouldn't be eaten. And you had to walk down a big, curving staircase to get to the ballroom where our reception was and we knew if there were kids there they would be running up and down the stairs and what have you, and both my mother and I had no desire to see someone bust their mouth open falling down those stairs.

No one minded. My one cousin's 9 year old daughter who helped do decorations for my bridal shower wanted to see me in my dress, so she was there for the ceremony and then she went home with a sitter after we left for the reception. If people are going to be put off or pissy about what YOU want for YOUR reception, they can just suck it up. The reception is to celebrate your marriage, and if they can't bear to be apart from their kids for a few hours they can just stay home.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

You got that right, Nicole!

I've been to a lot of weddings and I don't recall any problems with children. I know there aren't usually a lot of children at weddings and/or receptions in general, but the ones I've seen are well-behaved. If the reception is a little more casual they can be a lot of fun. But I've also been to those $100 a plate receptions and, come to think of it, there were no children present. It probably would have been a bad idea, too, I bet.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

I know that at MY wedding there will be a bouncer at the door to not allow children in. :-)

Unfortunately I know that my finacee's white trash cousins are going to bring their kids anyway. And that is why I'm gonna kick them out of my reception. Everyone thinks I'm kidding too.

No, I'm not a bad person. Suffice it to say there's more to it than meets the eye. But in general, I want to have fun at my reception, and sadly, that does not involve dealing with cranky children, or "cute" antics. Whenever little kids are around the focus of the event shifts to them, or their parents can't really enjoy themselves because the kid is running around like an idiot with his head cut off. If I was going to someone's wedding I would NOT bring my kids. Once my parents brought us to a wedding.. I was in 7th grade, and bored out of my skull even though I was close to the two people getting married.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

No white trash at your wedding, huh jd2? Lucky you're not in MY family. If we had that rule, my sisters and I would be wearing black and packing beads...down in the Amazon trying to convince bemused natives that sex is for procreation ONLY, and that the missionary position is the only one sanctified by Himself. Nicole has the right attitude. Besides, it's been my observation that there are going to be enough CHILDREN at the reception no matter what...especially with the odd quart or three of "Imwittyasshit" and the frequent trips to the parking lot to visit Uncle Julio.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

We asked that our wedding and reception be Adults Only (except for the flower girl). As Nicole mentioned, there's no special Children's Plate/Discount on that very expensive meal... plus we really didn't want to chance one of those screaming baby/"I gotta pee pee!" moments during our ceremony. But wouldn't you know it, my godmother insisted on bringing her granddaughters -- whom, I might add, were NOT invited -- along anyway. We asked nicely that they please not bring them, because we'd already told a few other people "no" and wanted to be fair, but my godmother's husband, who's a total dick, got all Attitude about it and started snarking that if HIS granddaughters weren't welcome at a family event, then they weren't coming at all, so there. So they came and, while the girls were relatively well- behaved, my gm's husband acted almost as rude as a screaming baby... he complained about the food and the music and didn't even bother to greet me or meet The Husband-Type Man. Nice.

But back to the subject at hand... the people paying for the reception have every right to specify if children are included or not... and no one should second guess them or try to guilt them into having children or excluding them if they prefer it another way. That's what I think.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

*Chuckle* WhudIjussay?

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Do you think that there is any way to explain to guests who've decided to bring their children along (despite the stipulation that the reception is adults only) that you a) do not hate their children but b) were not kidding when you said that you didn't to see 'em at your wedding? I don't know whether this is one of those times that I should just grit my teeth and bear it, since a couple of his relatives appear unnaturally adamant in the pro-child at weddings dept.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I'm under the assumption that you've already sent the invitations and the wedding is coming up soon. In that case, Nicole's suggestion of putting "Adult Reception" on the invitation is too late.

You shouldn't have to grit your teeth and bear it, this is your day. You are paying a lot of money and it should be exactly as you'd always dreamed. I wish I had a better suggestion than confronting these hard headed child bringers and explaining to them exactly what you just typed, but that's all I've got. Maybe offer to pay for a babysitter? Or maybe someone with actual wedding experience has some good tips on how to handle this one.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

If you want to spend a few more dollars, get a babysitter. Tell your family members who insist on bringing their kids to your wedding that a babysitter will be at the ceremony to take care of them and will return them at the end of the reception.

It really chafes my ass that people think the bride and groom need to bend to fit their needs. Honestly, if they can't accomodate you then they shouldn't be coming to your wedding. I know it is hard to tell family members something like this, but if you and your parents stand behind each other and insist on no children maybe they will get a clue.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I've got some powder for your chafed ass, Nicole. May I apply it myself, or will Gwen get jealous?

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I don't think she would get jealous if she can videotape it.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Of course she can! Why don't we invite all of Gwentown to watch? You have to give the final okay on that one, since it's your chafed ass.
Tee hee! :o)

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I think Gwen can tape it and put it on Backslap so the whole world can see it!

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Just make sure Gwen gets you to sign a release before she starts taping.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I always thought that people specify who's invited to the wedding on the inside envelope of the invitation. So, if it says "Gardanna and Family" I'd feel welcome to bring my kids (If I had any). If it just said "Gardanna" wouldn't bring anyone. Anyway, in my experience, children and weddings don't mix...UNLESS..there is something for them to do. I've been to a couple of weddings where the bride and groom had side activities for the kids. At one, they had a side room with a chaperone (babysitter) showing a kids movie. At another outdoor wedding, they had a magician. One of the couples had designated someone (Me) to be the person who, should the need arise, suggest to the parents of the children who were screaming like banshees, that they needed to take said kids to the Kid Area. It can be done diplomatically, pretty much, unless the parents are complete morons.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

There was only one child at my wedding. My niece was 15 months at the time.

However, we had about 20-25 no shows. Mostly people who said they were bringing a "date" and didn't. My parents had plenty of leftover filet mingon.

Think very carefully about adding "so and so and guest" on your invitations.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

And if you plan on putting RSVP cards in the invite, don't leave a blank space so the invitee can put the number of people that are going to come. My friend did that, and one couple wrote in SIX people, like they added cousins and dates for the cousins. Even though the invitation said specifically Mr. and Mrs. Big Dipshit, not Dipshits and friends/family.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

My family has a lot of kids in it, and all the family weddings I've attended have had a nursery for that very reason. But I can understand people not wanting kids, especially non-family kids, at their weddings. I would never bring anyone whose name wasn't on the invitation to a wedding, or ask to do so, but that's just me.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

We had that happen too, Nicole. Invitation was to Uncle So-and-So, and Uncle So-and-So rsvp'd for him and two daughters. And one daughter wanted to bring her new baby. We also had a great-aunt call to ask my grandma if we "had any extra invitations?" What for? "Well, I wanted to send one to Donny and one to Lisa and one to-" and she went on to name all of her grandchildren... none of whom I've ever met. Since I have such a huge family, we'd decided to only invite the great-aunts and uncles and their children, because if you start getting into third and fourth cousins (mostly folks I barely know anyway), we'd've been talking, like, another hundred and some-odd people....

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

POINT OF ORDER: It's Chapped ass, Erika, chapped. Chafed refers to food that's been warmed by a candle, as in "Hand me one of them there chafed moths, Parnell"

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I think it's awfully nice if the bride and groom provide a babysitter during a more formal reception -- it would make it so much easier for the parents. But people who get all huffy because their children haven't been invited aren't actually mature enough to attend adult social functions themselves anyway. Like Nicole was saying, no one has the right to dictate the terms of their own attendance at a party someone else is paying for.

Etiquette-wise, if someone fills out those little RSVP cards with the names of everyone and their dog, there's nothing wrong with the host calling up these people and nicely letting them know that all those people can't be accommodated.

Likewise, it can be a good idea to call and explain to the people with kids why the kids aren't invited. A lot of people just don't realize that the only people invited are the names on the invitation. And of course, if you invite even one child, you pretty much have to invite them all. Believe me, parents tend to get pissed if other kids are invited and theirs aren't. And I don't blame them a bit.

One of the most irritating things I've ever seen at a wedding was the woman who changed her baby's diaper on the grand piano, even though there was a clean, spacious changing area in the washroom. This same woman didn't want to breastfeed in public, though, because she was embarrassed by it. What the fuck?

(Sorry this is so longwinded and pedantic, but etiquette violations do that to me.)

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I think Gwen needs to add another rule. Who gives a care about perfect spelling and word usage? Surely everyone can figure out what someone is trying to say. Chafe is perfectly fine. A few dictionary descriptions: To wear away or irritate by rubbing. To annoy; vex. Warmth, wear, or soreness produced by friction. Personally, I come here for camaraderie and reading what people write lightens my day and makes me laugh. I'll probably get flamed for this. Sorry if I just broke your rules Gwen. I won't say anything else, except let us respect and support each other.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

I wasn't at all offended by Bubba's correction. I think he was kidding, anyway. Chafed schmafed.

Thanks for your concern, though, Vicki!

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Actually I think that the use of correct nomenclatures when referring to anal afflictions is essential to the good of humankind!!

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

lol kdrock. Sorry if I was too sensitive. I'm a very literal person.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Maybe Bubba just wanted us to know that he knew what a chafing dish was. That's okay, Bubba. We figured you were classy like that.

Miss Manners said that when people try to wangle their kids' way into the invitations, you should tell them, "I'm sorry that you can't come without your kids. Yes, I wish I could make an exception for you because I know your children are so well-behaved, but if I let you bring your kids, I'll have to let everyone else bring theirs, too." But she said it more classily.

I don't think it's rude to invite the parents without their kids. God knows I wanted my wedding that way, but no one listened. My wedding was a freaking circus.

SERENITY NOW!

Then we had these friends who invited us to theirs and they specifically asked that we bring our kids. They had a Disney theme going on, and a special kids' buffet, and a big tv with videos. It was fun, but I certainly wouldn't expect any other brides and grooms to do that stuff.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

It is NOT rude to specify no children at your wedding. This is generally not the Labor Day Cookout-the-more-the-merrier type of affair.

Also, think of the kids. Kids are bored mindless by most weddings and receptions. (Lots of adults, too, till they get liquored up.) Don't feel bad, and if the kids are brought along anyway, have an usher keep them out of earshot of the ceremony all together.

I am NOT anti-child. I drag my kid all over creation -- but I do think there's a time and a place to leave your kid at home, and formal occasions are one of those.

On a related topic -- do you hate getting wedding invitations for cousins you couldn't pick out of a police lineup? Why not just send me your email address and let me PayPal the wedding "gift" directly!!!

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Hey Vicki, I guess the "moth" reference just sailed over, huh? I was trying to lighten things up. You girls really get INtense when you talk about the wedding ceremony, wow. Gwen said her wedding was a freak show and that's been my experience. The bit about changing the baby's diaper on the grand piano really cracked me up. (Did the dog get it out of the trash later and drag it around?)Brides always look "radiant" and the groom? Well, he usually looks like "the defendant." There's a reason for that.

Getting all dressed up and tolerating relatives and people you normally wouldn't even bother flipping off can get get tedious in a hurry. Most men, being the well-springs of sensitivity they are, view the whole thing as an anitiquated ceremony fraught with social conventions that aren't observed at any other time. To most men, it smells like a trap. And I AM NOT REFERRING to the institution of marriage, but the gathering together in one place all the makings of a real sideshow donnybrock. To wit:

"Hey, let's all get together this Sunday in our best clothes and invite people we don't know very well. Let's invite the priest/pastor, too, just to insure no one can be themselves, and then make up rules that are guaranteed to piss off AT least a fourth of the people invited. And (tee hee) they don't DARE not come, because if they don't show, everyone will know what utter dickheads they are! Forever! Then, just to add a little spice to the mix, let's throw in some booze! Yee-e-ehaw! Sorry.

Priest/Pastor: "You may now kiss the bride." Groom: "Hey, why not? She's been riding my mustache for two years..."

When a man loves a woman, he will walk through fire for her and if all she wants is one shining moment to remember forever, she should have it. And she should be allowed to make up any rules her heart desires and they should be followed to the letter. And what a man or anyone else thinks about it is totally unimportant. And I mean that sincerely. Sorry I took so long to say it. I had to have a little fun first. "Avoid all occassions that require new clothing." -Thoreau

-- Anonymous, September 16, 2000

I'm getting married this coming April (picture me beaming at this point since he is the greatest), and the only two kids invited to my wedding will be my extremely beloved 8-year old nephew (ring bearer) and sweet little 4-year old niece (flower girl). Everyone else can just kiss my ass. I'm only having a small wedding as it is, and it will really be a problem at my small, cosy, classy, Afternoon Tea reception if there are a bunch of kids running around. My nephew is extremely well-behaved and will be a treasure... I'm anticipating at least one bout of tears from my niece since she's much younger... but that's ok, it's ALL GOOD, they're family and we'll just suck it up. But no way am I adding to this or taking the chance of it sliding downhill by having everyone and their Aunt Lillian bringing their children. It's a numbers problem as well. I'm sending invitations to individuals if they are single, and I am not including guests: I don't have to tell anyone here how quickly a guest list gets out of control if you don't keep a tight handle on it. Children at weddings can be absolutely fine if the wedding is big enough and organized enough to accommodate them, and if that's what the bride and groom want. But many of them don't - and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Most reasonable people will be fine with this rule, and those that aren't obviously aren't too concerned about how much stress and trouble they're creating for the wedding's hosts.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2000

Like you, I'm having two kids at the wedding/reception (to take place on 9-30 -- what, me freak out?), the ring bearer (11) and the flower girl (8). There was much debate on one of the fiance's cousins bringing her FIVE children, including a newborn baby. Several of the kids eat like adults, if you get my drift, and we would end up spending $250 just for that family alone to eat, they would comprise 10% of my guest list. The cousin was invited by phone by my future mother-in-law for the SPECIFIC purpose of telling her her kids couldn't come. As I understand it the conversation went like this:

MIL: "BF's getting married on Sept. 30, would you and your husband like to come?" Cousin: "Oh that's great! Sure, husband, daughter, son, son, son, baby and I would LOVE to come!" MIL: "Actually they're requesting that there be no children at the wedding or reception." Cousin: "But I can bring the baby, right? The baby absolutely REFUSES to be away from me for a moment!" [This is a woman that works full time and the baby goes to daycare 50 hours a week.] MIL: "No, I think they really don't want children at the event at all." Cousin: "But I could just stand off to the side!" [What the fuck difference this would make is beyond me.] MIL: (caving) "Well I'll ask them about it."

!!!! I mean, I hate to say "LOOK BITCH WE DON'T WANT YOUR BRATS AT OUR WEDDING!" but it seems like she's unwilling to listen to anything less. I swear to God if she brings the kids she will have to WAIT in the lobby for the ceremony to be over and her grown children will be eating the kid's meal of chicken fingers. END OF STORY.

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

Our wedding began at 8:30 pm and we figured that the timing of the event would be enough for sensible parents to leave their kids at home. We decided that we didn't want any kids under 12 which conveniently excluded two very young and obnoxious relatives, but included all my civilized nieces and nephews. The youngest person there had only turned 12 a few weeks before the wedding and she fell asleep at the table. The five kids between 12 and 16 were mostly bored and too cool to dance, but they would have been annoyed to be excluded. I'm glad they came but I had enough other things to worry to try to keep them entertained.

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

Eeeeww. This is a topic that really gets me worked up. I was sitting here reading all y'all's entries and my heart is racing. 1st of all, I think it's terrible that, for the most part, our society has broken down to the point that people have forgotten the most basic rules of etiquette...the main one in this instance related to the addressing of invitations, i.e. if I didn't put "Mr. & Mrs., Junior & Sally" then I am not inviting your whole brood! If the names ain't on the envelope, it ain't addressed to them!

When I was planning my wedding, I followed these rules of etiquette, but one of my officemates didn't have a clue and asked "Can I bring Max and Jane?" (her kids) and I didn't want to offend. I mumbled and stumbled and tried to make it obvious that I didn't think it was a good idea, but she didn't get the hint. She brought the kids. They acted ok I guess, but I would have preferred they weren't there. The point is that she should have not put me in that position. And I still don't know why she did. Too attached to get away for one night? Too cheap for a sitter?

And it's not just kids that cause problems. The only people who should have anything to say about who attends the wedding are the bride & groom and the parents involved in the organization of and payment for the wedding. It galls me every time I hear a story from a bride-to-be about how "so-and-so is all upset because I'm not inviting such-and-such to the wedding!" These people (hopefully) don't also dictate who you should invite to your Thanksgiving dinner, do they? To Christmas? To your 4th of July Barbecue? Why are weddings a free-for-all when it comes to the guest list?

I have a kid, I love kids...but if kids ARE invited to weddings, a little preparation is in order. A sitter is a good idea for the younger ones, more than one sitter might be necessary depending...activities and toys are a good idea, a tv room if possible, place for naps (one reason church receptions are so cool, sometimes you can even get the church ladies to do the babysitting). Some cousins of ours had an outdoor wedding and had a table with arts & crafts activities and buckets with names on them full of little toys, and they played hide 'n go seek, etc...the people who provided the entertainment were parents and others who wanted to help the bride & groom. It was very well done.

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

Had to get my two cents in. I was married in the home of a good friend of my dad's. I did not want to be responsible for others' children breaking priceless antiques, etc., so I asked that children (other than my pre-teen sisters) not come. For the most part, all those with children were perfectly okay with this and got a babysitter. One "friend" said, "I never go anywhere without my kids." We're talking 3 sons under the age of 10. I replied, "Guess I won't be seeing you." I wanted to follow that up with, "Guess you don't get out much." But, whatever. Nevermind that I went to both her weddings in another state. Now that I'm in the family way, my feelings on this issue haven't changed. I see weddings--attending them--as a good opportunity to have adult conversations and drink booze.

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

I just love the people who get all personally insulted that their little darling(s) ain't invited... and start inferring that the Bride and Groom are these evil, child-hating, selfish, anti-family bastards. I remember reading all sorts of stuff in the advice columns from people writing in that the B&G have NO RIGHT to ask people to not bring children... "either they want family and friends there, or they don't!"

Bollocks, I say. Leave the brats at home. Unless it's being held at Disneyland, it's a grown-up event if the B&G want it to be such....

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

Dwanollah! We know you're just kidding, but you should still be careful about calling kids brats. God knows my children are the best behaved in the world, just like everyone posting on this forum is beautiful and intelligent. I know you mean MOST kids, and not special ones like mine. But you know... careful with the wording, right?

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

Well hmm, obviously the brats are the ones that need to stay home and the non-brats (which would be everyone here's kids, of course) are all angelic and thus their attendance is okay. ;)

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

Wow, I can't believe the things some people will do. I love little kids.. but there's a time and a place for everything, huh? I just wish it was okay to not invite half our families! I keep telling him I want to elope, or at the very least have a small ceremony with our parents, grandparents and siblings.

My fiancee's claims to be "close" to his cousins. I have to disagree. These people don't treat him like you treat people you value. Their kids are some of the fugliest, disgusting, misbehaved little snots on the planet. I love little kids. But these heathens are a total waste of DNA. They are all illegitimate and none of his cousins have ever been married for more than a year. Most of his cousins are also younger than me, but they think they are so much better than me because they had children. I respect people who did the right thing, raised their kids alone, learned from their mistakes. I have nothing against single moms. But when it comes down to it, I use what I can to insult these people. :-) One of his cousins changed her wedding date because she had to work the next day and she wanted to get drunk. Can't go to work hung over, can we? (what the hell kind of job doesn't let you take a day off for a wedding??) All of them constantly get drunk when visiting his parents, and leave their kids to run around. They get so drunk they can't control the kids. Then they get in the car and drive the kids home. Nice. This is the kind of stuff I want to prevent at my wedding.

I'm gonna spend $20,000 so I can give THESE people a good night? My friends keep telling me "remember, you're not marrying him, you're marrying his family." Oy.

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

Oh. Oh, um, Gwen, you know I meant "brats" in the nicest possible way, right...?

Face it, I still have Residual Grumpiness at my godmother (see 'way above post) about this whole kids-at-weddings/kids-who-weren't invited thingie, and it got the better of me.

Plus, I think, given that any child I would have would be the sweetest lil' angel on the planet earth, I'm entitled -- yes! that's it! -- to call other peoples' kids "brats"!

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2000

i dont think its right to call other peoples kids brats. they cant help it there just kids. im gonna have lots of kids at my wedding coz ma has been married a few times so ive got lots of step brothers and sisrts and a ton of cozins and they got tons of kids and i think it will be fun!!!!! i dont know aobout bretts family coz he does'nt talk muchabout them and i dont ask.

-- Anonymous, September 24, 2000

"No Children Please". Hmm, why is this offensive? OK, try replacing the word "Children" with "Blacks" or "Handicapped" or "Gays"...You get the picture. For some reason children seem to be the only minority group that it's still OK to treat like second class citizens. I agree that the bride and groom have a right to have their day their way, but they shouldn't be surprised if a request for no children offends some of their invitees.

Our son accompanies my husband and I to most events. If he gets cranky we step outside so that he doesn't disturb the other guests. It's really not that big a deal. I turn down any "no children" invites that we receive and make a point to tell them why I am declining - not in a defensive way, just in a matter of fact way. And yes, I *do* get out. I don't take him everywhere, but he's welcome at most group/family events.

I think it's a shame that so many other kids aren't welcome at family events like a wedding. How can we expect them to behave in public if they never get a chance to learn how?

-- Anonymous, September 24, 2000

Oh, please, Paula. Children are not a minority group. Black people, gay people etc are not potentially disruptive. Children are. That argument is so flawed it's laughable.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

By the very definition of the word they absolutely are a minority group. And again, if they become disruptive their parents should be considerate enough to remove them.

One of my neighbors is quadroplegic (sp?). She is *very* disruptive - has outbursts at inappropriate times, accidentally runs into people with her wheelchair, etc. She is an intelligent adult who has no control of her body. I wouldn't even *dream* of excluding her on an invitation. Can you imagine, "No Wheelchairs Please"? It's tasteless and tacky.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

I know it's weird coming from me, because I'm always freaking out on other boards when people suggest that kids stay home from the grocery store and stuff, but...

The reason I think weddings are different is that they're often like night clubs. The couple specifies what kind of event it's going to be -- how religious it'll be, how formally people should dress. And when they say "Adults only," they're indicating that the reception will have an adult atmosphere, with the dancing, the drinking, the kind of food kids don't like to eat, etc.

And it's not that kids can't enjoy it, because we all know kids who are mature and well-behaved and like hanging out with adults. But we all also know kids who aren't good in those situations. And I couldn't say, "Paula, I know you always take your kids outside and talk to them when they're antsy, so you can bring yours. But I know that sorry excuse for a mother Doris will just get drunk and let her kids run around like wild dogs, so I'm gonna tell her that HER kids can't come."

It could be that my personal experience has stained my objectivity here. At my wedding, my sister-in-law's kids ran around like wild dogs. They screamed and threw food. There's a lovely picture of me scolding one of them, who'd just rolled a radish under my dress while we were posing for the photographs. And even though all the other kids were good... I don't know. It just pissed me off that I had to go through so much trouble to plan such a big stupid ceremony, and then apparently I was supposed to keep my eye on people's kids, too. Oh, and we had to clean the place ourselves afterwards. That was fun, not.

I can't even imagine having your reception at an actual classy place and then having to tell other people's kids to quit acting like brats.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

I believe there is a time and place for everything. Children are more than welcome at most family events/gatherings, but there are occasions here it is just not appropriate.

Weddings and receptions are rarely held for the entertainment of children. It is a day of celebration for the Bride and Groom (or Bride & Bride or Groom & Groom, whatever) and since it is their party, they can invite or not invite at their choice. And not all adult relatives are welcome or invited to weddings either for mountains of reasons.

Funerals are also family events but it is not always appropriate to take children, especially the younger ones.

And parents who say "my child/children have to come or I'm not coming" can stay home.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

What I think is tacky is the fact that there is even a need for people to specify "Adults only" or "No Children." If your children's names are on the invitation, they are invited. If not, they aren't. People who bring their children anyway just have appallingly bad manners.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

Man. Reason #45,872 why I think I'm going to elope. :)

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

We eloped. We had planned and reserved everything but hadn't sent invitations. Then we decided to hell with it and went to the courthouse and did it, then cancelled all the plans. :-) It was the only way to go.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

I think it all boils down to how well you have brought up your children. I took my daughter everywhere and there was never a time when someone said to me or anyone who knew me, :I wish he hadn't brought his little girl." I taught her to be well behaved and when it was time to sit still and be quiet that's all there was to it. Too bad her dad wasn't as well behaved. But then that's a whole nother story. Proud Dad

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2000

My sister-in-law is getting married this Saturday. She and her fiance *insist* that we bring our kids. I wanted to leave my 2 year-old at home. We even had lunch in a restaurant with them 2 Sundays ago to let them see how much torture it would be for my kids to go to their wedding banquet. No escape. They want them. So, it's their day and we have to bow to their wishes.

It's goin to be a huge dinner (ver 350 people) and it will get going ariund the time my kids usually go to sleep. My future brother-in-law says that there will be an extra room for the kids to rest and play if they start acting up. I wish I could leave the baby at home.

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2000

my two cents are:kids are not little angels, they are little monsters and they have to be taught how to behave. half the trouble with kids these days (god, I sound like such an old fart) is that they seem to be instantly programmed in parents' minds as little ANGELS and everyone thinks everything they do(pulling the drapes down, throwing a hot wheels car at the waiter,etc..)is so adorable. If I tried to pull half the stuff kids today get away with when I was little, my mom would have "tanned my hide til it glowed in the dark".On that note, no--kids, if they are not invited, should not be automatically included just because their spawners are invited. You might argue, Kids are our future--they are the most important things out there...etc...well, they need to learn that the universe circulates around something else once in a while--like someone's special wedding day. And no, I don't hate kids--lots of 'em can't help the way they act becasue their parents are too stupid to make them behave. At me and my husband's wedding, only a few kids were specifically invited because their parents make them mind so they don't get into much anyway.The only baby was a just spurted-out newborn who was pretty comatose thru the whole thing so that was fine. But her mom was the type who would have picked her up and removed her from the scene had she started up.Parents like that--Parents who acknowledge that not everything can and should accomodate for your being with offspring---- are cool.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

And wow, Tory---that is quite a problem you've got there. Good luck. See, you know your kids are gonna have a rough time and don't want to put them in that position. Why can't more parents be that way?

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

I don't know about the other parents on the boards, but I did not breed nor did I spawn my children. Maybe that's why they behave in public.

Hey Luchina, you were the bad mom today because you didn't take your kid to the ladies room when we were at the movies! Shame on you! It's our duty as moms to have our kids annoy the world.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

Childless people who don't call me a "spawner" are cool.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

They're ChildFree, last I heard. Or at least that's what I'm always told right after being called a breeder. But I digress...

Dude, Shelly, don't you know that women are made EXTREMELY uncomfortable by the presence of your 5 y.o. boy in the ladies' room?? How dare you? I was aghast at your insensitivity.

Plus the movie was no fun because our kids didn't throw popcorn or scream or kick anyone's seat or pick boogers and put them on people or run away or ANYTHING. That's my sole purpose for leaving the house. They DID laugh at a lot of fart jokes, though, so that's something.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

Laughing at the fart jokes is all that matters.

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

That is true, Nicole. In fact when the youngest was telling his father about the movie he saw, the only part he told him about was the fart scene.

I've done my job well.

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

Damn, we are only in the third month of 2001, but I'm going to nominate you for Mother Of The Year!

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

Now, hey, don't put words in my mouth--I got way too many there already. By spawners, breeders...hmmm...I guess I should clarify...my stepsister is my favorite definition: she had kids because she thought birth control was too expensive. Well, five kids later she finally got the idea. She's on one of those gov't programs, WIC, I think. I know kids are expensive, and everybody has to cut back when they have them. But folks who just start having kids with no reason other than "Birth Control is too expensive, if I have kids let everybody else pay for it" are my so-called spawners. And out here, in the WalMarty sticks where I live, a couple with one or two little kids or a single mom with a couple of them running around don't bother me-- it's the people who have a whole slew of 'em with no manners, no discipline, no money to feed them on their own, no values, no brains, no respect for others, that piss me the hell off.

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

UGH.OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT. I can't believe the things I am saying here--what has this forum done to me? I never babble on like this! I apologize for making parents feel like schmucks. I shall cover my little ass and slink away.....

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

Spats, I appreciate that you apologized.

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2001

Thanks Gwen. Sometimes even we buttheads can figure out when it's time to zip it. :-)

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2001

ANYWAY...getting back to the original subject..I think that parents should not automatically assume their kids are invited just becasue they themselves are invited.They might be the light and center of your universe, but you shouldn't expect your host to automatically feel the same way you do.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2001

horrific. I always take a can of "kid b gone" spray with me when ever I go on vacation or weddings. :-)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Children shouldn't be getting married. They're just too young.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2001