No, not another Franck Lebouef thread actually. I nominate the [discards full vocabulary of swearwords as not being strong enough] man who installed our new electric oven and failed to remove the piece of packing that stops the element getting damaged in transit. This gradually melts until it forms an oil which ignites and provides flashpoint temperature for the rest of it. Your oven door blows open filling the house with thick black smoke as merry flames do their best to eat into the surrounding cabinets. You usher wife and crying baby into the road and wish you had bought a fire blanket, an extinguisher and all those other 'luxury' items which have just found their way to the top of your shopping list, along with extra smoke alarms, a couple of ladders in other rooms upstairs.

Northumbria fire fighters are a class outfit and turned up in less than five minutes, provided all sorts of suitable adjectives for the oven installer and vented the fumes into the street. Despite Spinning Tony's bullshit they didn't seem to be overly short of fuel either.

Please stop toying with me God, I just want a good night's sleep like the next bloke. Oh, and a win against Southampton would go down quite nicely as well...

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Answers

Good lord! Glad to hear you're all ok, if a bit shaken. That's awful! God, you really have to watch over supposed 'professionals' like a hawk anymore. :-(

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Bliddy wimmin. What did I tell you. You've not only given her a new bairn but she was ungrateful enough to want a new cooker as well. What's wrong with an open fire in the backyard Softie? I'm sure the money could have gone to a good cause - like well-earned travel every other weekend. Bah!

BTW - I presume there was noo major damage to property or persons? Hope you're all OK.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Flippin' heck! It was never as exciting as this on the Communicata BBS.

Glad you're alright Softie and congrats on the new bairn. Mind you, having got 2 little ones I should say congrats with touch of sympathy thrown in.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Dammit Softie - you've been conned again by your lass. It wasn't packing in the heating elements it was the stotties and spotted dick she was "cooking" for you and forgot. Wimmin - any excuse.

And as for that "good night's sleep". Give o'er lad. The bairn's not a month old and by my reckoning you've got another 215 months to go before you finally give in on the parenting thing.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

Softie, Glad to hear that you're ok, hope your wife and bairn were not too stressed. Can you get the bloke who installed the oven and string him up? Or would it be possible for his company to pay for the damage?

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

F**k me, Soft lad! I'm truly relieved to hear you're all ok. It could have been a lot worse, as I'm sure you don't need reminding of. I feel a trip to the courts coming on...screw every penny off the life threatening bar stewards.

"Please stop toying with me God, I just want a good night's sleep like the next bloke. Oh, and a win against Southampton would go down quite nicely as well..."

God replies:

A good night's sleep is one thing...miracles I leave to Jesus.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Re-make of the old joke.

Geordie on island rubs bottle and genie appears offering one wish.

"A highway to Hawiai, so I can walk all the way over there". The Genie replies "What that's impossible, have another wish"

"Ok then, what about an away win for Newcastle at Southampton".

The genie pauses and says, "How many lanes do you want on the highway, two or four?"

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

Glad to hear you're safe! Probably a Mackem engineer. Sue them.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

C'mon Softie.....name and shame.......who did you buy it from and what company fitted it.......make sure no one else gets hit with the same thing.

Pleased to hear you are all OK....we can't have anything happening to the future toon number 9

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

You wouldn't be thinking of slipping the word to your mate Anne in the staff canteen would you ITK?

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

No chance of that Screacher.....but I might mention it to the head chef.....but only if it is gaurenteed to burn this sodding place to the f**king ground!

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000