I'm soon to be taking my place among 12 to judge my peers in Harrow Crown Court.

Not being one to want to circumvent the judicial process, I thought that during the proceedings I'd post a few 'hypotheticals' not related to the case in question...obviously...'cos that'd be chokey for yours truly...obviously.

But before I pretend to give a toss about someones future, a thought did occur to me (it happened once before...it hurt). What if:

What if the defendant before us is a 110% red & white sh**e Joker Park Wearysider with a ST for the Stade de Merde?

What if the evidence produced is so flimsy that the paper it's written on barely holds the ink?

What if the defendant is a mag?

My conscience pricks me into such questions...advice?

-- Anonymous, September 11, 2000

Answers

Jail the bastards. Hang 'em, flog 'em, send them to Oz. Must be guilty if they're in court, cos the rozzers make no mistakes...

-- Anonymous, September 11, 2000

Dear Worried of Hillingdon,

The answers to your questions are as follows:

As has previously been said, jail the tw*t

What if the evidence produced is so flimsy that the paper it's written on barely holds the ink? If they are a Makem, again jail them, they must have done something wrong somewhere in their life even if it is only breathing.

What if the defendant is a mag? Release them with a Queens Commendation, a good compensatory pay out for the inconvenience and if you really want to go the whole hog, give them a knighthood.

I hope this helps.

Yours

Liberal of Hillingdon.

-- Anonymous, September 11, 2000

I think that you should consult the BBS bleeding heart liberal on such a weighty matter. Oi! LR! Whatcha think about this, eh?

-- Anonymous, September 11, 2000

Argue with everyone and let them convince you who's right, you'll probably get a night in a hotel with as much gold as you can eat - or get to sleep with the pretty, shy school-teacher who's 26 but never been kissed - well your not allowed to tell anyone about the case, are you married yet?

-- Anonymous, September 11, 2000

He's already with the shy schoolteacher who's never been kissed..... ;))

-- Anonymous, September 12, 2000

Bobby, in all seriousness and talking about a subject I know well, you must try and sift the acting and illussion the lawyers for both sides will try to blind you with.

Look at the evidence and who provided it. If it is witnesses are they credible? Does the evidence make sense? Put your self in each position, the Law enforcement side, the witnesses side and the defendants side.

If it is professional evidence ie forensic or specialist witnesses on procedure and technical matters they are usually right and carry more weight.

Try and find the motive for the crime and the opportunity for the defendant to commit the crime. Do not be bullied by other jurors, but be willing to change your mind to reasoned discussion of the facts. Do not bully other jurors, try and present your reasons in a logical and reasoned manner.

Only you can make up your own mind.

gus

PS Then find the Makem guilty and release the Mag

-- Anonymous, September 12, 2000

Nick f-off. We don't need anymore SMB's down here.

On the bus to work this morning I was sat, reading this weeks British Soccer Week newspaper. I wasn't wearing my NUFC shirt, which I often do to work. This guy about the same age sat down opposite me and started reading his own coppy, he wasn't wearing a strip either. He was reading the centre page which had a match report on the manure-SMB game, while I was reading the match report on the NUFC-Chelsea game.

He looked up and asked me (in an English accent) who I went for and I said Newcastle, to which he replied they were flammin (or words to that effect) lucky to draw their match.

To which I responded, "well I got very little joy from that match (reffering to the Manure/SMB article) I hate manure and their plastic supporters down here (suspecting him of being a maure fan) and the only positive thing about the game is that they beat the SMB's".

To which he replied "f*#k off you Geordie loving prick".

To which I replied grinning "ya do know that Monkey head got sacked yesterday, it was on the net. Munchkin kev will be off to Arsenal as soon they sort out the transfer system, and your going to get relegated this season."

And the bus thankfully pulled up to my stop just as I finished, while he was turning red, was having problems trying to articulate through the spluttering and was obviously holding himself back from hitting.

I got up and while heading for the exit called back and asked who's plane ticket and passport he had stolen to afford to come to Oz.

I actually thought he was going to get up and follow me.

-- Anonymous, September 13, 2000

Nice one Tre!

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000