Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks

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Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.



-- helen (implenting@this.now), September 09, 2000

Answers

What? The beer in one hand balances the gas can in the other. Makes the walking easier and prevents back injuries. Ain't nothin more than the little lady's strong back.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), September 09, 2000.

"more important"

Hate it when the fingers get toooooo fast.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), September 09, 2000.


LOL helen. You gave me my first laugh for the day. Thanks, I needed that!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 09, 2000.

Didja have to put that stuff on the net, Helen? Now I gotta keep my wife from reading it or she'll be on me all the time. Already makin' me put that sticky perfume under mu arms.

gene

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), September 09, 2000.


"2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you."

I know someone who DOES this..LOL. He also talks to WWF wrestlers on TV. Totally serious too. Freakin' hysterical. I KNEW it was an indication of SOMETHING!! Now I know..he's a REdNEcK! Bhahaha!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), September 09, 2000.



Helen,

That was too funny!

-- (Sheeple@Greener.Pastures), September 09, 2000.


I'd better say right quick that I didn't make that up. It showed up in my email.

-- helen (fighting@off.lawsuits), September 09, 2000.

Huh? I thought Martha Stewart wrote them. ;-) Thanks for sharing em anyhow. I get stuff like that in my email all the time, but it's rare to find one funny enough to be worthy of sharing. That one was!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), September 11, 2000.

rednecks suck.

-- Muhamad the Islamabubba (blahblahblah@yahoo.com), January 14, 2003.

Muhamed, how very kind of you to dig up this thread and give me a good giggle :-D

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), January 15, 2003.


Rednecks suck, eh?

Hmmn.

Got a BIL workin' for the Boot's 'n Coots Company puttin' out oil- well fires.

I'll, ah, let him know the next a bunch of wells "accidently" start burnin' out over there and maybe, like, you know, the locals can put them out themselves.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@backwards.chapters), January 15, 2003.




-- (mebslaughing@mothra.stewart), January 16, 2003.

Mathra!

The arithmetick that ate Enrob Company.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Cook.r@cannotadd.com), January 16, 2003.


Eastman color by Mebs? Did you do that??? How cool! :-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), January 17, 2003.

Why do you have Meb's Tohoscope and what's that insane grin doin' on your face?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Cook.r@askingLons.protocologist), January 19, 2003.


i did, gayla.....and it was so much fun......hehehe robert....she's probably knitting some kinda dust cover for it
the insane grin i can't explain (tho it will most likely keep her safe if she has to do jail time)

-- mebs (hiding@in.thekitchen), January 20, 2003.

gosh

i sure do hate this "no preview, no edit"

there really WAS a couple of returns between the "hehehe" and the "robert"

-- mebs (shakingherhead@green.spun), January 20, 2003.

A few returns for the day.

Hi.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@manyhappyreturns.irs), January 21, 2003.


hello
ello
llo
lo
o


-- (mebs@returning.returns), January 21, 2003.

Jello!
Jello
Jell
Jel
Je
J
Je
Jel
Jell
Jello
Jell
Jel
Je
J
Je
Jel
Jell
Jello!

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@watchLondrinking.glug), January 21, 2003.

J'Lo.
J'Lo.
J'Lo.
J'Lo.J.Lo.
J'Lo.J.Lo.
J'Lo.
J'Lo.
J'Lo.J'
J'Lo.J'
J'Lo.J'
J'Lo.
J'Lo.
J'Lo.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@watchLondrinking.glug), January 22, 2003.

Was that glogg Robert mentioned? Dang, haven't made that in years, but have been told mine was dynamite (literally, and those of you that have ever tasted it know what I mean-LOL!).

But ya gotta start it early, like in Sept, so that it can ripen to perfection in time for the December holidays! I'll be takin' orders for 2003's holiday season. You got the e!

Now fer settin up a holiday gathering! Actually, we had talked before about an FRL gathering...where was it to be, Oklahoma, or elsewheres...this old memory bank seems to be fading... Jump in when ya can..

I think I may be able to bring some chocolate confections, for those that have an interest...

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), January 23, 2003.


For chocolate, I'll drive anywhere.

-- helen (drooling@already.here), January 23, 2003.

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