I just met this wonderful woman. She's intelligent, funny, mature, attractive, well read, conversationally engaging... the list goes on. We seem to share many of the same values, we get along wonderfully well. Not only is she someone with whom I could see myself falling in love, but she is actually someone with whom I'd want to fall in love.

The problem is that she has a boyfriend, and she's in love with him.

So, what's the mature, adult thing to do: (1) continue to hang out with her and just deal with/suppress any feelings that may arise; or (2) avoid her, preventing any relationship from developing (friendship and romantic), and completely sidestep the possibility of affecting her relationship with her boyfriend?

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2000

Answers

"She's intelligent, funny, mature, attractive, well read, conversationally engaging..."

Sounds like a cool friend, if that's what you're looking for. I can't speak for anyone but me, but I'd be pissed if someone started avoiding me supposedly for fear that I'd lose my head and toss off someone I was in love with... is that really the concern, or is it a (legitmate) fear of not wanting to/being able to surpress any of your own feelings that may arise?

Not trying to bite you, but it's not really fair to decide someone else is so fragile that you need to make their relationship decisions for them.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2000

No, you're very right. It's much more my own fear of not being able to control my own feelings and ending up in a friendship where I'm feeling far more for her than she for me. (Even if, it it came to that, she didn't feel the same way, those types of relationships make for awkward friendships.)

But, since that's a possibility, should I try to deal with it if/when it comes up, or to try to avoid it altogether by avoiding her?

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2000