Secrets

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How do you feel about keeping secrets from your partner? Are you of the mind that partners should have absolutely no secrets whatsoever, or does everyone need to have things they keep for themselves? What would your reaction be if your partner, say, opened mail addressed to you or just 'happened' to read through your emails? Would you be livid, regardless of whether or not you had anything to hide?

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Answers

I'm a very private (as opposed to secretive) person. But if I am asked a direct question--or even an indirect one I can get the gist of--I answer it. I don't have any big shameful skeletons in my closet. I don't hide things from anyone, but I do have areas of my life that are private.

If someone can't understand the distinction, then it frustrates me.

Privacy doesn't always have anything to do with potentially shameful stuff, either, though it can. Example: if I'm reading something smutty, then that's what I'm doing. I'll tell you if you ask. But if you find it and make a big stink about it like I'm trying to get away with something 'bad', I get pissed off. What I read is my business. If I didn't ask for an opinion, don't give one. Poor analogy, but there you go.

I think everyone needs areas of privacy and personal time and personal space, and places that are 100% under your control, be it a little drawer or a journal or locked metal box with Twinkies stashed inside that you don't want to get given piles of grief about if you want to eat them. Conversely, I don't think that keeping secrets--something potentially damaging if someone else spilled the beans--from a partner. However, there's a caveat. If it happened long before you met so-and-so and will never impact them in any way, then no, you do not need to burden them with your secret.

They don't need to know that you hated your stepfather for decades because he chewed with his mouth open and wasn't as cool as your dad, but they might need to know you hate him if he touched you inappropriately. They don't need to know that you flirted with your best friend's boyfriend when you were both 15 years old. They might need to know if the next door neighbor is flirting with you now, though. Make sense?

Anyway, mail addressed to you is yours, and I would count that as private. I had to smack down (verbally) my current roomamte when she insisted on de-bagging my fashion magazines and wandering off with them before I had had a chance to resd them myself. Those are mine, which I paid for, and you don't have a right to rip the plastic off even if you know I'll be certain to let you read them later or even if you think I won't care. Ask.

As for e-mails, I and a group of 13-14 friends had a year's worth of e-mail stolen from a server and read by some nasty people who had no business getting into our personal business, and we were initially furious. (These days, it's rather funny to imagine the hours of tedium that must have ensued when they tried to sift through 10,000+ e-mails.)

That was the long answer. I would be livid, yes, and it would not be because I was feeling guilty, it would be over the deliberate intrusion into my privacy. If my partner felt the need to do that, then there would be far bigger problems at hand than a few opened letters. I'd question why s/he didn't trust me, even if it was done out of idle boredom rather than a need to try and 'catch' me at something.

Then again, I'm one of those people who things that maintaining a little mystery and privacy is a good thing. I wouldn't be thrilled to date someone who never shut the bathroom door while peeing, or who didn't understand why I might want a moment of silence, by myself, after a hard day at work. If someone is invading your privacy frequently and unrepentantly is generally a sign of insensitivity & core distrust. (I'd start to wonder what they were hiding if they were so keen on catching me at something all the time, actually.)

There you go. My 43 cents' worth.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000


It depends on what you're keeping. If you're hiding something shameful (mainly, cheating) then its not cool at all, and I'm proud to say that if I've ever made a mistake I've owned up to the person I love and haven't had to worry about it since. To be honest, I would be pist if he ever went through my email, even though there's nothing incriminating in there, it just shows a major lack of trust...says the person that did once go through her boyfriend's email. But you know what? When I did that I didn't find anything at all, and I felt horrible about doing it. But because there was that huge gap between us where there should be trust, the relationship crashed fast.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2000

I can't imagine my life being unedited. I don't expect my husband to tell me everything, and I certainly don't tell him everything, either. There's some things that can't be undone, and can only cause resentment and bad feelings.

I don't think I've done anything horrible enough to jeopardize my marriage, but there are petty things that I regret that don't really need to come out of the closet.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000


I tell my husband pretty much everything that is important. I don't tell him stuff that other people have asked me not to discuss unless it involves him. Like once, my m-i-l told me something and asked me not to tell my husband. Since it affected him, I told him because I didn't think it was fair of her to ask me to withold information from him. I really think she WANTED me to tell him and was trying to use her brand of reverse psychology on me.

I don't hid stuff that I've bought from him or avoid telling him what money I've spent. It's not like he isn't going to find out, he can read the bank statements and credit card bills, so why hide it.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000


To me, secrets are like microwave popcorn. There's no question I'm going to share, at one point or another, but if someone comes up and just *grabs* a handful without asking, that's gonna piss me off.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000


i dont get that gardenana

-- Anonymous, August 23, 2000

floosie, I think she means, like in The Cell, if someone goes into her head and takes her secrets, then she gets pissed.

-- Anonymous, August 24, 2000

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