"Oil Change Instructions For Women"

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee

Total = $21.00

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"Oil Change Instructions For Men"

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer; drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up looking after 15 minutes and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; burn hand in hot oil, get it all over your clothes in process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench
15. Give up looking after 10 minutes, poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up to lend technical support, helps finish case of beer; unanimous committee decision to finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11 & 18.
20. Beer. No, wait a minute-drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift through muck for drain plug.
29. Mutter under breath about first quart of fresh oil, now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Slip with crescent wrench while tightening drain plug, bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin uncontrollable cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes due to thrown wrench damaging Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer me.
37. Clean up hands and forehead; bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Another beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail; retrieve car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$27.50 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey the colors have to match!!!!)
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
$2,379.50 Fines and court costs

$3,732.00 Total

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Answers

Wait a minute - that's sexist isn't it?

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

HA!!! There's a special tool to remove oil filters???? I always go straight in with the hammer+screwdriver. never fails.

bliddy wimmin;)

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

That's the trouble isn't it. It probably is sexist - but it does have a certain truth to it!

-- Anonymous, August 19, 2000

Eyup! And even better, at the place I use, they also do windows, fill the wiper fluid, and vacuum out the inside. :-D

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2000

Ha now I know you are lying, everyone knows oil filters do not have windows, wiper fluid or need their insides vacuumed!

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000