Tell me the funniest thing you ever heard. (Please.)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Answers

This was reported in a UK newspaper by Reuters, a few years ago.

It concerned a married couple in Poland, who were arguing in their flat, on one of the upper floors of a tower block, in one of the smaller cities.

She stormed out.

He decided he couldn't take it anymore.

He threw himself from the balcony.

He landed on her.

She died.

He walked away.

Alternatively, a story which was reported in the South China Morning Post last year:

A married woman had gone to visit her lover, in order to end their affair. Angry words were exchanged. He ran into the kitchen, poured paint remover over himself, and tried to set himself alight. She wrestled him back into the living room, where after some time, she managed to calm him down. They sat down to talk things over.

She lit a cigarette.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

This is supposedly a true story, and I haven't seen it on the urban legends website, but it's funny if it's true or not.

A guy walks into a convenience store with two guns. He goes to the clerk and tells him to empty the register. The clerk says, "Why do you need two guns, there's only one of me?" Robber says "Just empty the register."

The clerk keeps going on and on about how ridiculous it is to need two guns to rob a convenience store. The robber loses his cool, and says, "Fine, you take one," and he hands the clerk one of the guns.

So the clerk says "Give me the other one, too." The robber's starting to sweat. He realizes he's done for, gives the clerk the other gun, and sits there crying and swearing till the cops arrive. The cops ask the clerk how he managed to talk the guy out of both guns, and he says he realized the robber was really nervous because he jumped when he saw one of those big cardboard human-sized Bartles and James cutouts. Anyone who was scared by the wine cooler guy wasn't much of a risk, he figured.

I can never decide who's stupider in this story, the robber or the clerk.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

When I went to the Catskill Game Farm on Tuesday we saw a rhino that started to roll in a mud puddle, and then ripped a really long fart. The rhino seemed to smile after he farted too. It was funny.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Gwen! It's so nice to have you back where you belong. Nicole's rhino fart story reminded me of a trip to the zoo a couple years ago. We were in the hippo enclosure when the big female started flapping her little stubby tail against her butt. Said rear end was facing the packed human onlookers at the time. I don't know how I learned what was about to take place (National Geographic special, read it someplace, whatever) but I grabbed my son and retreated to the back of the crowd. Then we turned to watch as Ms. Hippo copiously and odoriferously voided her bowels, flapping her tail against her butt the whole time to achieve maximum dispersal of the liquid feces (marking her territory? hitting as many humans as possible? Better Hippos & Gardens decorating tip? you be the judge.) The moans from the front row of zoo patrons, who had closer encounters with wildlife than they wanted that day, were priceless. So if you're ever around a hippo that starts whacking its tail against its butt, run like fuckity.

And if that don't make you laugh, what will? Maybe the Richard Belzer joke, from when he was still doing stand-up, that made me fall off the couch. (Paraphrase follows) "That Salman Rushdie. Writes a book that pisses off Muslims so much they put out a death warrant on him for defaming Allah. I hear he's been working on a new book since he's been in hiding. It's called 'Buddha: That Fat Bastard.' "

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Pharts are funny!

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Ian told me this the other day, and I laughed so hard he hung up on me:

Last Friday, Ian had to get a train from here in Derby back home to Birmingham, so he could do some important banking stuff. On the train, there was a little kid who was tearing up and down the aisle and screaming its head off, occasionally stopping at random tables to talk to strangers. He tried talking to Ian, but was greeted with the steely glare I know only too well, and so turned to the guy sitting opposite Ian and started talking nonsense to him. Suddenly, the kid's mother started caring about her child and yelled out, 'What the fuck are you doing you little toerag??' and the kid responded, 'I found another customer!' Ian shot the guy a look that said 'Er...' and the guy looked at Ian as if to say, 'No, I'm not a paedophile.' The kid's mother seemed unimpressed and let her child go back to running up and down the aisle.

It doesn't even seem amusing now, but the 'I found another customer!' thing cracked my shit up a mere three days ago.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Okay, this isn't THE funniest thing, but blah blah blah (standard disclaimer).

My wife and I were on vacation in Sydney in February. We were taking an all-day tour of Hunter Valley, a big wine-making region to the north of the city. There was an elderly Swedish couple as part of the 16 or so passengers on the tour van. The woman kept having problems trying to figure out how to use the seat belts (it was a brand new Mercedes van, and I thought the seat belts were OK). So, near the end of the tour, like an hour from the end, she finally figures it out. And she makes this comment, and she's got a voice like a Swedish Julia Child: "You must be SNAKE to use seat belt!"

I swear, that still makes me laugh to this day. As usual, you had to be there....

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

My mom went to the doctor with her friend Jo and Jo's son, Jeff, who was three years old and had Down's Syndrome. They were sitting in the waiting room and my mom noticed a woman staring at Jeff. Finally, the woman got up and walked over to Jo, who was holding Jeff like a baby because he couldn't walk and was very small for his age.

"He's so cute!" the woman purred.

"Thank you," Jo replied.

The woman returned to her seat and continuted to stare at Jeff. She got up again.

"How old is he?" she asked.

"He's three."

The woman returned to her seat again, but not for long. Again, she approached Jo.

"Three...months?"

"No. Three years." Jo smiled pleasantly.

"But...what's wrong with him?" she stammered.

"He smokes."

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000