Did you ever secretly love someone who didn't love you? Was the situation ever resolved and if so, how?

Were you ever the object of an unwelcome crush? How'd you handle it?

If you could go back in time and handle either of the above situations differently, would you? What advice would you give to a friend suffering from unrequited or secret love? (Or lust. Lust is cool, too.)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Answers

Yep, I was secretly (not so secretly, actually) in love with this girl in college. But she was only leading me along. Okay, so that's not really an answer to what you were asking. Umm.....

I remember, again it was in college, that my best friend and roommate's girlfriend, a rather skanky and strange girl who wouldn't go to bed with him, announced one night after a concert when we were alone (she was giving me a ride home) that she had this major crush on me. I tried to discourage her by telling her, "if we're going to have anything between us, it's just going to be a purely physical relationship", to which she answered, much to my surprise, "That's OK". That's when I decided I really couldn't do that to my friend, so I told her so and that seemed to settle it.

Later, I did something stupid. I told my friend that his girl had come on to me. He asked me why I was telling him all this. DOH. Good point. Lesson learned.

If I had it to do over again, I would definitely have taken advantage of the situation (go ahead and hate me if you must). Maybe. She was kinda skanky, after all.

Oh, and if I could go back in time and handle differently that girl who was using me, I would, in a heartbeat. Mainly, I would remove the blinders from my eyes that made me tell myself I was in love, and I would have been a LOT more comfortable with myself and self-confident. So basically what I'm trying to say is I would have had a lot more sex with her, realizing that's all she was after anyway and not love after all.

Advice. Sheesh. I suck at that. :P If a person is suffering from unrequited love or lust and that person is married, I know for a fact I'd tell him/her to just knock it off. But that's as far as I go, advice-wise. At least on this topic.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

I am so vulnerable when it comes to lust and crushes. When I was younger I was horrible; I cheated shamelessly on almost all of the boyfriends I had. Fortunately I have grown out of that and in deed I am a good girl. But I remain wracked by impure thouhts; sometimes I think that if I weren't so blissfully attached I'd be the biggest slut! Right now I have a crush on a guy I work with. He's about 6 years younger than me and he's so cute. He reminds me a bit of me when I was his age, rebellious and melancholic and thoughtful. He's so sweet and funny, but I am his boss and so I'm just friendly and professional. And I know that it's really mostly just my own fantasy and projection. It's rare that a crush doesn't either wane or crash and burn. My relationship with my current sweetie started out as an intense crush and he's the only person who still sends me sparks despite the fact that I've known him for years.

Like most people, I've been on both sides of the crush chasm before. I've not had any particularly traumatic experiences in this realm so I guess I am lucky. That kind of thing usually just blows over if you wait it out, whether you are the crusher or the crushee. As for all y'all poor bastards afflicted with unrequited love: express yourself! As long as you're not being unfaithful or breaking up someone else's relaionship you should go for it. You only live once, so why sit around pining and wondering "what if?"

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

In highschool, a guy I had known since grade one and had always thought was funny, made it known to me that he liked me. It took me a while to clue in though. The fact that he used to always seem to manage to catch up with me to walk the entire mile to school, EVERY DAY, didn't really sink in for a long time. How was I supposed to know? He was in every single class photo of mine in public school, he was like a fixture and I didn't give him much thought. When I realized what was going on, I handled it by ignoring it. I don't remember why, I likely was crushing on some totally unobtainable jerk boy instead of appreciating a good guy I'd known forever. About a year later, I decided that I liked him, like THAT, but it was too late.

In university, I had a crush on a guy who physically turned me to jello. He was in a bunch of my classes and I craved every single thing about him. We were at a bar and I asked him to dance once and he said no. Oooh, burn. However, I apparently knocked him out at a school formal function at which I was wearing a strapless dress. My friend informed me that he performed the classic double take. He didn't make a move though, probably because I had a date. My date was only a good friend though, so I was open to offers, but crush dude couldn't possibly have known. He later got involved with someone I knew who was shorter than me and had waist-length hair. I comforted myself that he was into short chicks who had longer hair than my shoulder-length hair. That other girl ended up spurning him and she told me that he was weird when I told her that I thought he was hot. I still harboured a lower level crush on him until I graduated.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

I think I had a crush on The Fuckwit for my entire college career. It was only until junior year that I found out my best friend did, too. I still don't understand if he liked us or hated us. What a contrary bastard. What a long and sordid tale.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

I'd honestly rather not relive all my unrequited loves so I'll answer the one about an unwanted crush... One summer I had a part time job at a dog kennel. I was 15, there was a guy there, he was 19. He was really really REALLY creepy. He was constantly readjusting himself *down there* as he was talking to me, and if I ever had a cut or scrape on me somewhere he'd bend down and stick his face inches from it to get a good look at it, no matter where exactly it was. Just remembering gives me chills. Then he started trying to flirt in his own freakish way, tickling my ribs, patting me on the head, and I was flat out terrified of him. Too many times I'd think I was alone in the kennel only to turn around and he'd be standing there staring at me. I tried to avoid him, but that was really hard to do when we were working together. I was so grateful when my last day finally came....he followed me out to the parking lot and asked for a good bye hug, and before I could catch myself I blurted out "EW! No, get away!" and got the hell out of there. Now I wish I'd told him to back off earlier on, but oh well, lesson learned.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2000

Are crushes supposed to last forever? I had a sweetheart whom I was more than maddly in lust/love with. It was a long time ago but I still think of her all the time. When I hear her voice it sends shivers up and down my being. I saw her recently for some creative advice. I thought maybe time had healed the hurt but ----NOT!!! Before I met her I knew a women like this is what I wanted. But I had no idea I'd ever actually meet her "and" she'd like me. But it didn't last. That's life. But she still thrills me though unrequitedly. Anonymous cause she might read this.

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

james u sound really cute!!! i hope your felling better

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

So James, now that you have posted about the love of your life and gave us your complete name, do you think your wife is going to be pissed off that you have a crush on another woman?

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

How long has this been going on, James?

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

She knows. I'm pretty transparent. And I windowshop but bought top of the line and she knows I'll stick with a winner. Besides she's computer illiterate. And this lady at the beginning of our torid romance broke my trust "and" my heart so I swore "I" would never do that. And my word is good. It's just that you would think after all this time that crush would go away. Or maybe that's a good thing. If it wasn't there we'd be cold. Just a thought. Look Ma, I'm smiling. James

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2000

Thank God you bought "top of the line". I hope she stays in tip top shape, so you won't have to trade her in for a newer, better model. Ugh.

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

If you didn't have a crush on "another" woman your relationship with your wife would be cold? That sounds like a "load" of shit to me. I just hope that when you are doing your wife you don't "yell" out your crush's name.

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

Thank goodness you chose your wife. Who knows what her life would be like without you.

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

I needn't worry about her getting out of shape anytime soon. I'll be long dead before that. And if you knew what I went through with kids which were not mine and an ex-husband and in-laws and paying for two kids through college. It was tough but she was damn well worth it. I am really lucky to find her and she knows it. It would take more than two gals to replace her. And I've been an unabashed window shopper since I was 7 yrs old and she knows it. But I don't ever buy any merchandize. And we learn so much from every thing we do in life and if we didn't it would be a cold life. If the first one got us down and we didn't rebound, where would we be. James

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

Oh, okay, so you invested too much money "into" her to throw her away. And that is why it is "okay" for you to look at and lust after other women?

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

James, where do you get them muy profundo quotes at the end of your posts?

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

I'm sorry, but "window shopping" in front of your wife is rude and just plain disrespectful.

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

As is referring to another human being as "merchandise."

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

oooOOOooohhhhh! Aren't we reading things wrong today! Unabashed

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000