Your friends are breaking up or even getting divorced. How do you react? Are you the strong, silent, supportive type? Do you immediately say, "I never liked him/her, anyway!"? Does it depend on how close you are to the couple? Does it depend on the circumstance? Do you get angry when your friends break up and then get back together?

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Answers

I get very sad when I hear about anyone breaking up if they've been together more than a couple of years. My sister and her husband broke up last year after 34 years of marriage. They never should have been married and their marriage was really, really terrible for the last ten plus years. So, that's probably the only case in which I was happy that they split.

A friend/coworker is on the verge of splitting with her husband. There's compelling evidence that he's cheating but he hasn't admitted it yet. He is and has always been a jerk (he has a mullet, fer god's sack) but I still feel sad for her, mostly because of the disruption it'll cause her and her kids. I know she'd be better off without him but she is very confused and in a lot of pain. I wish he would magically turn into a decent person and they wouldn't have to go through this, but that is unlikely.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

After 27 years of marriage, sixteen of it with me around, my parents divorced. After a couple of years, I asked my mom why it took so long to figure out that the marriage wasn't going to work. She looked at me and said they had known for years they didn't like each other, but they stuck it out til they thought I was old enough to deal with it. I felt guilty for years. Therefore, I'm not very objective when divorce happens to others around me. While I think marriage is something that people should work at (and not give up at the drop of a hat) I realize that, for most people, it isn't an easy decision, and sometimes they stay together for reasons that don't make sense to the rest of us. I think without being around the couple 24-7, you don't know what makes their marriage, and you don't know what breaks it. All you can do is offer them an ear... and some drinks. :)

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

It depends on if they have children or not. If two adults want to stay married, split up or keep going back between the two then that's up to them. I try to be supportive of both and keep a distance unless asked to do otherwise.

If there are kids involved, I admit to feeling much more upset. Divorce is hellish for children. Even when there is abuse and, of course, divorce must happen, children still mourn the loss of their family unit in real and profound ways. When it's something like an affair or "just grown apart", the children are just plain devestated. It's too sad. Because of my strong empathy with the children, I know I won't be much help to the adults involved, so I tend to send a card or something and keep my distance.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

My friend and her then-husband had a huge blowout -- based on a lie told by his supposed best friend -- the night of my bridal shower. I spent that evening talking with her and being her support system (while my fiance entertained my family, who had driven 300-something miles to be at my shower). When they broke up a year later, it was really no big surprise. But again, I was there for her. Just to hear what she had to say and be a supportive presence. I wasn't exactly angry, just disappointed. Bashing the other person really wouldn't have done any good -- and what would've been the point? Saying, "I never liked him, anyway" would have been a lie. Saying, "I didn't really think it would work out" would have been a lie, too -- because I still hoped it would. And my opinion didn't matter; it wasn't my marriage.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Usually, I play it safe and only say something if I get the vibe that saying something would not be unwelcome. And then it's of the 'Only you and he know what goes on within your relationship, and it's not really my place to offer comment or opinion either way, except to say that I support you and care about your happiness' type of thing. Having had way too many people judge my relationships on way too little information, I know the value of recognising that one doesn't actually know anything about the situation and acting accordingly.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Yeah, what Jackie said. I have one friend who is having trouble in his marriage, and while I am only getting his side of the story, and my experience with his wife is that she is a huge bee-yotch, I would never say that to him, even if he said it first. I've had way too many examples of agreeing with someone when they dis their ex, and then they get back together and you feel like an ass. So I just try to let them know I'm there for them, and not judge them, because everyone has to make their own choices in life, and in these situations, you generally only get one side of the story anyway.

And I'm a huge proponent of couples' counseling, if both parties are willing to work on it. Especially for a marriage or other long- term relationship, where there are problems other than abuse.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

This is timely. My younger brother is going through a divorce (no kids), my younger sister is going through divorce number 2 (2 kids from this second marriage), and a good friend just made it final last Wednesday (1 kid). My friend literally got rid of 250 pounds of dead, cheating, lazy weight when she left her husband and we joke and laugh about it quite a bit. When she first stopped by to tell us, I simply said "I'm sorry" she replied that she wasn't, and so I said "I'm sorry you're going through this." That seems to be good response for any type of situation. She is working really hard to not say anything bad about him around her daughter and for that, I commend her. In my sister's case, we started out liking her soon-to- be ex, but he turned into an arrogant SOB who, among other nasty qualities, accidentally set their house on fire with my sleeping sister, niece and nephew inside. I never forgave him for that although she appeard to try (he flicked a cigarette and left to go the grocery store). Everyone got out ok and the fire was put out quickly, but still. I have still never said anything about it to her. This one makes me very sad because of the children involved. There's a song out right now (don't know the artist) that has a verse about "everything is wonderful now" about parents who argue coming from the viewpoint of a little boy and I think of my 5-year-old nephew and how confused he must be right now. It makes me really sad. Oh, and my brother. Married less than two years. Neither one of them wanted to work on the marriage or change their old, single habits. She filed for divorce the day after he got his stock options from his job. Nice. He's been a true gentleman about it and has never said anything mean about her. I've kept my mouth shut.

I guess that probably doesn't really answer the question but it seems like every time I turn around, someone is seperating or divorcing. Is it my age? I'm 37 and been married 13 years. I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000

Marriage scares me. I don't like the connotations that the word "wife" carries. There's something about it that strikes me as vaguely and insidiously identity-sucking. Maybe I've read too much feminist rhetoric (specifically Dalma Heyn's The Erotic Silence of the American Wife). Maybe it's from watching so many people my age get married, play honeymoon, play house, get bored, and split up anyway, vows be damned. Maybe it's from watching my mom sublimate her own needs and dreams for the first half of my life.

When my parents got divorced I was 12. I cried and acted upset because I thought I was supposed to, but I had been eagerly anticipating it. Years before when my father was behaving really atrociously, raging like an infant, I'd ask my mom afterwards "why don't you just divorce him?" He had such a horrible temper and I was so happy to have him out of our home. After he left I my mom had a hard time emotionally for awhile but I know she has a much fuller richer life now that he's not really a part of it any more. See, we always had to tiptoe around him lest we set off one of his tantrums. We all constantly walked on eggshells. I shudder to think about what my teen years might have been like with him around. So I guess I did say "I never liked him anyway!" Sometimes divorce is the best solution for everyone, even (or especially)the kids.

Despite the above, I'd probably say yes in a heartbeat if Mr. W. ever popped the question. Maybe that's just my own self-destructive tendencies. Maybe because he really *is* Wonderful. But I do hate it when people don't take a relationship seriously just because you aren't hitched. Seems like a ridiculous attitude to have in this day and age. I also hate it when people (often mere aquaintances) ask "why aren't you married?" I'm too polite to tell them "Because I don't want to end up like you."

Ambivalently Yours, Mrs. Nobody

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2000