The Angel Dougal has been reassuring the Shepherd. Three Wise men have been spotted in the East, in the Willington Quay area (carrying gifts of hat, scarf and rattle). They are apparently following an illuminated knob hovering in the vicinity of the headquarters of the BBS Corinthian League.

The conception may not have been immaculate but Softie and Mrs Softie assure me it was pretty damn good.

Could this be a sign? Is the Messiah about to arrive? Have United found a new Bartinho? Does it all mean that this will be Wor Year?

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Answers

Fantastic! Keep us updated!

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Wonderful news!

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

STAND BY!!!!

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Oops! Careful here - I'm just setting the scene - I have no information at all.

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Jonno - that must have been a Braxton Hicks posting then?!(:o)

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

ps. you`d probably have to be female to understand that one! (:o)

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Were the Angels really called Braxton & Hicks ? Sounds like 2 duff detectives to me.

Didn't the Wise men have a few days journey as well.

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Josh - Nope! Ask Softie about Braxton Hicks - he should be able to shed some light on the subject! (:o)

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Poor Softies. I'd hate it if Dennis the Manace turned up with his family on my doorstep. Maybe he's just after the knob?

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Come on then Softie - prove to us that you have actually been attending these ante-natal classes!(:o)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Galaxy, ante-natal classes are very weird. They have asked me whether or not I want to cut the cord. Bleurcgh!!! I don't want to see any purple ropes and goo thanks very much, I certainly have no desire to become a surgeon for a couple of minutes. What if I cut the wrong appendage off and had to call him little Roberta instead? Doesn't bear thinking about: the health professionals will just have to carry out all the procedures themselves and face getting sued for malpractice if they screw up. Bliddy cheek. Imagine if all professions decided to skive off their responsibilities like this:

Harresting Hofficer: Now then sonny, throw yourself down the stairs on your way to the cell, there's a good lad. We like our prisoners to feel involved in the process.

Braxton Hicks is a relish which goes jolly well with cheese in a sandwich. Unless you are referring to those periodic contractions which women get leading up to the birth which panic them into thinking that it's all about to start.*

*Typical lasses, eh? Blokes would be far more organised. We would make childbirth a painless, nay, satisfying experience, a bit like having a dump only larger, while they craftily decide to make themselves go through agony so that they can blackmail us about it for the rest of our lives. Huh!

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Hee-hee! It`s all a big con really - doesn`t hurt a bit! (You won`t feel a thing!) So you`re giving the pro-active option a miss then? Wise move - always thought maintaining at least a thin veil of feminine mystery is the way to go on such occasions. Your stay up at the pillow end Softie, trust me! Your good lady may sink her teeth into your forearm, or even give you a black eye, but you will be far less traumatised at the end of the day!(:o)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

No no no. You've got to roll your sleeves up and get stuck in. Cutting the cord is imperative, as is scooping up any congealed blood loss and weighing it. Oh and make sure you ask for the placenta so you can take it home for a good fry up later. ;-)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Whatever happened to pacing up and down in the corridor, that's what I want to know? Now you get bustled out of the Hospital by security if you try that, and they throw buckets of water over you if start puffing on cigars and clapping the other Dads on the back. Apparently they don't even slap the babies on the arse anymore as soon as they are born, and then they all wonder why the kids today don't respect authority! They tell me that they only use forceps as a last resort: stuff and nonsense, stick a sink plunger over junior's head, tie a piece of string from the handle to the door knob and slam the door. That puts paid to all the waiting around screaming like a great heifer. They've all gone soft :-)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Softie, I can`t wait for your first posting after `D` Day! (:o)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Welcome to the modern world, Softie! You lot get us in that state, you can darn well be there offering up a hand to be mangled and knarled during the crucial hours. ;-))

I do like your idea of the plunger and string, however! My personal mantra,should I ever be in need of it, is "give me every drug in the hospital and a Broon Ale IV!" *hic* %-}

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Why is it men always have to improvise! Softie, there is already a piece of equipment along the lines you have described (though without the string) called a ventouse. It is probably not very de rigeur now, due to the fact that it gave the new arrivals Martian shaped heads!

I have another example though. I bought my husband a trendy kitchen blow torch this weekend - couldn`t be anymore dangerous than the mandolin he maimed himself with the other day! What did he do with it Not caramelise the top of the apple tart, that`s for sure. He instead spent an hour re-shaping the bar of kitchen soap! And what is more, he was really pleased with the results!

Same as one time when he needed a piece of wood, eighteen inches long and about one inch thick. He found the perfect thing, completed the job he was doing, and days later I discovered that he had sawed it off the handle of my yard broom!

Men - don`t you just love them!(:o)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

LOL!! Galaxy how did he maim himself with a mandolin??!

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Galaxy,

I'll resist the obvious gag!!

Improvisation is the spice of life. :0)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Steph - he neatly sliced off the end of his finger and fed it to the dogs. At least that`s where we assumed it disappeared to, either that, or else it`s frozen in a batch of bolognese sauce. It`s a good job I don`t like spagetti bolognese really!(:o)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

De Builder - that must be why my husband is such a happy chappie then! (;o)

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

Galaxy, you're absolutely right about the ventouse of course, but please don't tell the poor lad (and Mrs Softie) that it isn't used now. Thing is, it is the preferred method now rather than forceps. Yes, the baby has a head like Tutankamun's dad for a couple of days, but on the other hand, if you pull a bit hard on the ventouse, the seal just breaks, no damage done...

All female readers' eyes will now be watering, sorry, but I thought I'd better set the record straight, just in case.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Oh Lord! I stand corrected Dr. Bill, and apologise profusely to Softie for giving him bum information. It really was not meant to be anything more than a jokey comment, and certainly not meant to scare Softie. In fact, I really hate people who do that sort of thing to first time parents. I should have remembered how full of trepidation I was before my daughter arrived, and not been so flippant! Yelli`s arrival was wonderful, moving, joyous experience, and in the midst of all that emotion there was indeed also some humourous moments. That was what I meant when I said I couldn`t wait for Softies first posting after `D` day.

As for the duff info - now I think about it, I believe it was actually becoming more popular, even when my sister had her children a few years after me. And logically, it does seem a very gentle way to assist a delievery. (But I still think I`m correct about the string and the door handle! (;o)

Apologies again Softie, don`t have nightmares - you are about to have the most wonderful experience of your life, and the most beautiful baby in the world! (:o)

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

>>>>>apologise profusely to Softie for giving him bum information

I feel the Galaxy bum (ooer missus) is getting far too much exposure in this forum this week. (-;

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Yeah Softie don't have nightmares, I've had two and never felt a thing (c;

All those late nights wallpapering & stuff will have been handy practice for the forthcoming sleep diet.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

I quite agree Jonno - and it`s highly inappropriate as I didn`t put out any sort of warning to `children`, `people of a nervous disposition` or `anyone with a weak heart`! (:o)

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Huh! First it turns out that when Doctors talk about someone having persistent pyrexia they really mean that they are running a bit of a temperature, and now I'm informed that it isn't called a sink plunger when a Doctor uses it, it's a ventuse.

Well you don't fool me! Those big Medical textbooks you all display on your shelves are really just your average Thesaurus with a different jacket on and all you really do is give common or garden things posh names to convince us you know what's going on. Charlatans! [see also: sorcerer, wizard, trickster, lying bastards] ;- )

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

I bought my books by the yard. Doesn't everybody?

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000