He's been in this "everyone hates me" mode (not entirely untrue with some people, though) for awhile, but I didn't know it applied to me too...I found out last week or so he'd been hiding out in his apartment alone for weeks (unshowered/unshaven/maybe not eating much/not going to work or seeing anyone) playing Everquest (a friend checked on him after he hadn't been seen for a month). Occasionally I've heard from him- after this incident of being caught he left the house for a few days in a row (yes, he is seeing a shrink, I don't know if he's on any drugs now), and he came over to my house for 30 seconds one day- but I haven't heard from him in a week. He hasn't replied to anyone's e-mails (though he's been slow at that for months if he replies at all), his phone is still disconnected (he said he hadn't had the money to pay the bill, but it was supposed to be working again "in a few days" last week), he won't go on IRC and disconnected ICQ- and I'm just afraid to go over to his house and ambush him. I'm getting the "go away" message quite loudly.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Does anyone know what to do? If you've been in his situation, did you really just want everyone to go away and stop contacting you again? I'm not going to keep trying if he really wants to be rid of me.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Answers

There's a lot of things that could be going on there. He may not feel able to interact with people right now, and may further feel embarrassed by the inability. He's obviously not feeling very in control of his life (no money, phone getting cut off, having a hard time working) and be embarrassed or fearful that people are going to criticise him for his failures. He may be pushing people away (somewhat unconsciously) to see if they come back.

The best you can do is tell him (specifically, so he can't turn it around in his head) that you understand he's having a rough time right now, and you're not going to judge or criticise him for it, and that you're there if he wants to talk or just hang out or whatever. Try not to be offended if he blows you off for a while, hopefully eventually he will come around.

If you're feeling particularly adventurous, you may want to try setting a routine outing - "every Tuesday at 4, let's go have a coke or ice cream or something, just so I can feel like you haven't fallen off the face of the earth, because I care about you and want to hang with you. It would make *me* feel better." That gives him some structure and predictability and gives him a goal to accomplish.

Maybe he does want to be left alone right now. It probably isn't personal, and if you can let him know that you won't hate him for it, it will probably make him feel better.

Depression's tough, and not just for the depressed person. He's lucky he has people like you who care about him so much, even if he doesn't know it right now.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

It might be a good idea to get him away from Everquest for a bit. That game makes it extremely easy to avoid others if you are depressed. I've known people that get up in the morning and play that game until they go to bed at night(or they don't sleep at all). They don't care about sleeping, work, eating, friends, or any human contact, all that matters is what's IN the game. I suggest you come up with fun activities in real life for you and your friend to do together, and don't let him back out of them.

I think people who play that game a lot and avoid the real world are crying for help. They may not be content with their life in reality, so they choose to live the life of their dreams on the game.

As someone who was also addicted to that game, and depressed at the same time, I urge you to keep checking in on him. It's nice to know that people in the real world still care about you, and are concerned even if you make few efforts to contact them. Take this opportunity to reintroduce him to reality and how good life is. Please don't give up on him.

-Z -Zhyla

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

First of all, thanks for answering, that helps =)

I've been told that from my actions, he probably has the idea that I'll be there for him. I've done that for him for over a year, and I'm missing it now.

It is very hard for me to not be offended, since several other people have blown me off this year (some of them dumped me for being friends with Mr. Depressed) and I've lost people because of him. I didn't mind for the most part because he was worth more to me than they were, but now I'm fairly alone and kinda ticked that he's no longer available..so saying I won't hate him for it is not um, exactly honest and true.

As for Everquest, I believe that's exactly -why- he chose that game in the first place. Before that he was playing something called StarCraft (but still leaving the house and doing other things), and said it was the only thing making him happy in life at the time. (He was waiting to find out if he had a disease most of the time when playing that game. He turned out to be fine)

I would LOVE to have a regular schedule of activities with him, or even get him to do any activities AT ALL- but he hasn't wanted to do any with me that weren't his own idea for months. Every time I asked him he'd say "maybe" for a long time, then say no at the last minute. I tried asking him to hang out with me last week and he ignored the request entirely (he came over, dropped off/picked up stuff and left). I have no idea how I'd force him to hang out with me/prevent him from backing up. Can't very well drag someone who outweighs me by the hair, I don't think...

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

You mentioned other friends have stopped seeing you because of him??!! Something isn't right - are you dating this guy? (Even then, there has to be a line where you can be friends with a person even though you don't like everyone in their life.)

Lest you get too emeshed in his problems, remember, you alone cannot "fix" this guy's problems. It is his responsibility to fix himself. He's in therapy and unless he's really lying and doing an amazing job of it, I'm sure the person he's seeing has suggested an anti- depressant. Being in therapy in and of itself is grueling - he may just need some space right now... The game maybe his way to "turn his mind off" and stop thinking about his problems.

He's also unemployed - not known for being a real self-esteem booster, especially in men.

Best you can do is be consistent - without nagging him or becoming emeshed in his life.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I used to go out with him, but haven't in a long time. There's two people who did dump me because I associated with him, one of whom (used to be one of my best friends) broke up with him and then dumped everyone who reminded her of him (including me). The other one just didn't approve of my being friends with an ex and thinks it's the most awful wrong thing to do :P And other people have been having their difficulties with him this year as well, and I've noticed that they are more distant with me now than they used to be.

I know I can't fix his problems, but I feel like if someone did a little bit of something, things would get better. He used to be on anti-depressants, but I don't know if he is now or not. (And he's not unemployed- he's a grad student working in a very lackadaisical lab where no one keeps track of what he does and when he comes in) At any rate, I can't become enmeshed in his life, because he'd never let me

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

In general I would say it's good to keep trying two or three times in a situation like this. Whether a depressed friend wants company or not, it's better for her/him to know that people care than to wonder about it and have that question adding to the depression.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Jennifer, sometimes it is best to walk away from the situation and let things resolve themselves. I know this is a hard thing to do because I have been there. In order for you to be able to help this friend, your friend must want to be helped first. You could beat your head against the wall trying to help a person who doesn't want it and the only thing you will end up with is a lot of pain and scars from the battle.

I know you like/love this friend of yours, but you need to look at the overall picture: is he worth the time and effort? Is he worth the aggravation and frustration? Is he worth the lost "friends" that you might lose because of him? Sometimes you will come across people in your life that are the kinds of people who want to drag others down. These kinds of people feed off of other's guilt/anxiety/pain/trauma (not that you have these -- I am just generalizing to prove a point).

Perhaps writing a letter to your friend and giving it to him in person with the instructions to open it after you leave would be of some benefit to him and your relationship. Write a kind letter to him and let him know that you know there are some things going on in his life that are bothering him, but also let him know that life hasn't always been good for you (because, let's face it: we all have hard times, and sometimes our hard times and experiences gained from them can benefit someone else with a bit of hard luck). Also let him know that it hurts you when he pushes you away. Tell him how you feel about him and why his mood swings / decisions bother you. Offer a helping hand. Let him know that you will *always* be there for him (if this is truly the case). Let him know that the next move is his and that you won't pressure him into being a friend to you if he truly wants his space. A letter might not feel as direct and strong to him because he doesn't have to worry about responding the wrong way in front of you.

Good luck, Jennifer. I know how hard this can be until it resolves itself. I truly hope this works out for you in the long run. *hugs*

Thus spoken like the true psych. major that I am...

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

What an intelligent, compassionate bunch you all are. I just hopped over from Gwen's forum to check things out and I'm impressed.

Jennifer, I liked Meghan's idea about the letter. Let your friend know that you care and that you are available to him. Just don't let his problems bog you down; you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. No one can help him until he's ready to actually do the work himself. Best of luck to you.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2000

Well, I know I can't like, make him get better drugs or something like that (nor am I trying). I pretty much left him alone throughout the year on that. But I have the big old alarm bells going off that just abandoning him won't make him or me feel any better, and that this "nobody likes me thing" I can at least help on. I'm still going to worry until I hear that he's at least occasionally seeing people (for longer than 30 seconds!), going to work, etc.

And yes,I do think he's worth the effort/frustration, etc. More than any of my other friends, really, who have just never been there for me in the way that he used to be, coupled or not. Your putting "friends" in quote marks is right on the money, I don't think they were my friends really if they bailed on me for that. (Ironically, one of them is on speaking terms with him and not me, so maybe it was all about me in the first place!)

The letter idea is really sweet, but I'm not real sure that I can do it. He does know I'm there for him if he wants me, btw. I tried calling him today, and while he got me off the phone fast (Everquest disaster :P), he said he was always happy to hear from me. =)

Another friend talked to him last night and told him some of that, and that um...didn't go well. He can't handle hearing anything negative right now about how anyone feels towards him, and apparently is in no condition to deal with that. *sigh* I've been told I have to just keep my feelings a secret and wait for him to cheer up before I ever say that what he does bothers me. I guess they're right.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2000

I think you have done everything that you could possibly do to help him through the tough time that he is having. It sounds to me like your friend is very lucky to have someone as patient and determined as you are. Good luck -- I do hope things work out for the best! :o)

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2000

It sounds like you think it's worthwhile to spend some energy on this friend. Just keep in mind that you can only try to help, you can't really fix things for him.

I agree with the suggestions to do something together. Keep letting him know that he's important to you. You might suggest therapy, and if he seems agreeable to that, help out with finding someone. When someone's depressed, the work required to hook up with a therapist is really daunting.

-- Anonymous, August 09, 2000

Lizzie: Can't recall if I said so before or not, but he is in therapy and has been there for over a year. I've been told he's on drug #3. *sigh*

I'm trying...at least he's been e-mailing me back and forth for two days. Though the slight plans I had to see him (he won't do any activities with me or anyone, but I needed him to loan me some boxes for packing) have fallen through due to his "being lame" (his phrase of the week: "I haven't written back because I'm lame, I haven't gone out to pick up the boxes because I'm lame..."). Oh well...

-- Anonymous, August 09, 2000