Hey guys, I need your advice. See, I love my boyfriend - he treats me like a queen, but he is old. A little too old for my sex drive, if you know what I mean. I started seeing another man, just for sex. He is a wonderful artist, but he doesn't have much money. I've been giving my lover money that my boyfriend has been giving me, thinking that I'm getting expensive massages and facials. Even though my boyfriend is old, he is noticing that I'm not very relaxed like I usually am when I get a massage, and that my skin hasn't improved. What should I do?

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Answers

Anon, my friend Beth in Kansas City is having the same dilemma. There are a few routes you can take...

Best scenario:
Maybe the geezer is a pervert. Maybe he would like to watch you get it on with your hot man in front of him. Then you keep the $$ and the sex.

Murder Scenario:
Make sure you are the heir to his fortune, and when he least expects it, stab him with a knife made out of ice. Then melt the weapon.

Realistic Scenario (did you realize "Sanrio" is in "scenario"?)
You make the artist give you massages and you buy cheap Freeman face masks in order to squelch the old man's suspicions.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I really, really, really hope you're kidding, but on the off chance that you're not: it sounds to me like you're not dating the artist, you're employing him as a prostitute. Therefore, you might get that money you're giving him out of your own pocket and not from the man you say you "love." Just a thought.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Oh this one's easy!

You introduce them to each other. You show Oldy Old Man the Artist's work. You convince Oldy Old Man that he would love to have a nude portrait of you to hang over his mantlepiece.

Oldy Old Man commissions the Artist to paint you, even though you are a bit nervous (wink,wink) about showing your body to another man. Since this will be a full-time project, the Artist moves into a small room next to yours. You once again have money to get massages and facials (although I think just the sex with the Artist would relax me). Oldy Old Man is too busy napping to notice any other goings ons between the two of you, and doesn't check to see how the painting is coming along, even though it's been months, and he's paying the Artist for each brushstroke.

In the meantime, figure out how to be Oldy Old Man's inheritor.

When the day comes that Oldy Old Man starts to figure out what's really happening, smother him with the boobs he bought you and then choke him with your Bahamian braided hair. Then you and the Artist live wealthily and happily ever after.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

No, no. After killing Oldy Old Man and inheriting his money, she dumps Artist. Then, because she's rich, she can have a whole slew of even younger guys!

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

SUKI! IS THAT YOU???!!???

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Shelly! How did you guess it was me?!

I'm so embarassed!

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Suki, don't you know that it's not nice to post under more than one handle? Gwen, I think you should really give her the boot.

But since you asked for advice, here goes:

Keep both of them and continue what you're doing. However, buy yourself one of those hand held massagers and some Clearasil and then you'll be relaxed and zit free.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Suki, before I can give you any advice I have to know what kind of advice you need. Do you feel guilty about betraying your boyfriend or do you just want to know how you can keep betraying him without geting caught? What do you think would happen if he found out? Maybe he already knows...

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Sushi i'm sorry to here your having such awful problems. I hope things get better for u real soon!! :)

floosie

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Suki,
Have you resolved your love affair problem?

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2000

Take some of that "free" money and buy yourself a vibrator and a good therapist.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2000

girlz, theres this guy brett i like that goes to this bar i go to an hes really really cute. hes real tall with green eyes and brown blond hair. and hes got a mustach and short hair on top and long in back! I love his hair. I here he likes to race cars. Anyways i don't think he likesme and well someone gave me this rules dating jurnal and it has really great advise. has anyone ever heared of this and does it work? Cuz i really want to snag this guy!!!!!

ThanX, floosie

-- Anonymous, August 10, 2000

I don't know about any rulz, floozie, but does he wear tight pants? I LOVE that!

-- Anonymous, August 10, 2000

gosh, he sure does. leather ones! i cant wait to see him agian! the rules say play hard to get. im gonna try it

-- Anonymous, August 10, 2000

If he doesn't have acid washed jeans, he isn't worth it!

But seriously, I think you should try to use that Rules book you have and see if it really does work.

-- Anonymous, August 10, 2000

yeah im gonna try them this weekned. i hope they work cuz i reallly want this guy. i dont think he has a gf. wish me luck!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, August 11, 2000

Floosie, good luck with your hunky love interest. I haven't read all of the Rules but I know a bit about it. I think that if any of those rules go against your better instincts you should go with your gut. That is, rules were meant to be broken! I think you'll be happier and have better luck if you just follow your heart.

-- Anonymous, August 11, 2000

So floosie, how'd it work out? I'm really curious about this "rules" business.

-- Anonymous, August 13, 2000

hi!! i tried to post yestrday but the board were not worknig. brett was'nt at the bar this week may be he had a race. hopefully he will be there sat nite!

-- Anonymous, August 15, 2000

oooh!! im soooo happy!! i saw brett this w/e & i tryed some rulesy stuff on him and it really worked!!!! see the rules say to ignore someone 3 tmes and i just did that to him.

i saw brett at the bar and we made eye conact. he aksed me to dance and i said no and then he asked if he could bye me a drink and i said no then he aksed me to dance agian and i said no!! finally he said girl your drivnig me crazy i gotta have you and we danced all nite!!! and then he asked for my fone # and i gave it to him. he did'nt call yet cuz he had a race yesrterday. the rules say ya gotta only tlk for 10 min and to set a timer. i gotta go out and by one cuz the one on my oven is broke.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000

Good for you, floosie! I hope those rules work out for you!

I just got back from the Bahamas yesterday night. I told my boyfriend about my lover, and he thought I had been seeing someone else. He understands about my sex drive and wants me to be happy, so as long as I don't parade my other boy around he is fine with it!

I'm so glad everything is working out for everyone!

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000

Yay for both of you! I'm glad everything is working out! Suki, I'm glad you didn't have to kill the geezer!

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000

wow susie! thats soooo cool! your really lucky. he still has'nt called yet :(

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2000

BRETT CALLED ME1!!1 i did like the rules said an i was light and airy but i talked longer then 10 min cuz i kept frogeting to look at the clock. i think im in love!! Anyways were going to Ricks steaks by the lake resterant on friday nite. i cant wait!!

-- Anonymous, August 23, 2000

That is great news, floosie! Have fun, but don't eat too much - you don't want to burp as he leans in to kiss you!

-- Anonymous, August 24, 2000

floosie, eat something before he picks you up, and then just have a salad for dinner. I'll bet there's something in that rules book about not eating too much on your first date.

-- Anonymous, August 24, 2000

Yeah floosie, if you do a steak burp, just suck your breath back in really fast and maybe he won't smell it. I hope your date goes well.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 2000

HII!!! my date with brett went rilly great!! i was really light & breezey. i did'nt eat any steak but brett did. i just had a saled cuz i remeberd about your burping advise and anyways i know guys dont like when girls eat alot and brett likes really skinny girls. so i need to stay skinny. after dinner we walked around the lake and made out like crazy. he told me he could marry a girl like me and i think he really wants to!!! he has a race this weekend an wanted me to go with him but i said no cuz he asked me like at 11pm last nite and the rules say not to acept a date after wendsday. he told me im driving him crazy! the rules really work!

-- Anonymous, August 31, 2000

Floosie, that is great! You need to write to the authors of The Rules and tell them how well it is working!

-- Anonymous, August 31, 2000

oh my gosh brett just called and hes on his way back and he told me that he has a big surprize for me!!!! do you think i need to wait for 3 days too find out waht it is???

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

If his surprise includes a diamond, I would see him ASAP! Go floosie!

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

do you thik hes gonna ask me to marry him?? should i say yes???

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

Well floosie, that is something you need to figure out for yourself. Can you see yourself living with him for the rest of your life?

-- Anonymous, September 03, 2000

It all depends on how big the diamond is!

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2000

well brett came back and his surprize was'nt a ring. his big suprize is that hes gonna make jewellery out of old car parts. im a little diasppointed cuz it thowught it was gonna be a ring. anyways he made me a necklase with a hubcap charm i dont now what to think..help!!!

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2000

floosie, maybe he is making the jewelry to make money to buy you a ring!

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

He's probably doing what Suki said, floosie. After all, haven't you only known him for a few weeks?

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2000

A hubcap charm? That actually sounds kind of sweet. I guess it was a let down if you were expecting a ring on your finger, but still, give the guy some credit, a lot of guys I know wouldn't be caught dead making jewelry for their sweeties, so lucky you :)

-- Anonymous, September 09, 2000

You just don't get the picture do ya honey! Brett is seeing this old geezer that can't get it up. That's why he's gone so much. And his cheapass girlfriend is a two timin' tramp. Any guy that hasn't asked you to marry him after the 3rd date is after something else. See the light girl and tell him to commit or get off the pot. Times a wastin'. Dear Jamesy

-- Anonymous, September 09, 2000

You just don't get the picture do ya honey! Brett is seeing this old wow jamesy do you reall think so? how do you know do you no do you know brett? your so wierd jimmy

-- Anonymous, September 11, 2000