Have you ever given up your job and life in a place you love because your SO was offered a good job somewhere else? Did you hold it against him/her? Or did you say no, you don't want to leave and then feel guilty about it after the fact? If so, did you feel like your SO held the decision against you?

Right now my husband is on his way to a job interview in Austin TX. We currently live in the Baltimore/Washington DC area. I just started this fabulous job two weeks ago and I love it! And I love the Baltimore/Washington area. I've lived here my whole life. But this could be an amazing opportunity for him. I find myself hoping he gets the job because I love him and want what's best for him. At the same time I am praying that things don't work out. My new job is a great opportunity for me. I am feeling excited and depressed. Happy and sad. Does anyone out there relate? Any words of wisdom?

(PS - if anyone has any good information on Austin, please email me. I've been checking Austin City sites and Relocation sites and they all make it seem like such a wonderful town. I'm in search of the real scoop.)

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2000

Answers

If she hadn't married me, Brenda would probably have gotten a masters degree in anthropology from FSU and become an archeolgist, with the state, or with a university.

She followed me to Tulane, the bottom fell out, I became a writer. We moved to the mountains to live poor and write. I wrote. We lived poor.

We have been moving ever since, me in search of work, and the family following. Writing has caused me to lose straight-person jobs. We never moved for a promotion, a career step forward, but always in search of work. The moves were what drunks call geographic cures.

Brenda doesn't have a career, as a doctor, a lawyer, or a minister may be said to have careers. She has a job, or succession of jobs. Professional jobs, but in a variety of fields: technical instructor, technical writer, high school language teacher, office automation specialist, distributed data systems analyst. She doing contract work, now, in the telecommunications field.

She accepts me, and what I do. I'm trying my best.

I accept her. As she is. She could make much more money than she makes, working at a job that ground her guts to glass, but doesn't choose to do that. I don't either.

We give each other space, talk things out. There are resentments, grievances, we've learned to let lie, like sleeping dogs.

It evens out. We have been married 32 years. We're still together. Both working for The Man. I still write. She has a garden and keeps chickens. Our kids are grown, and we enjoy visiting them, them visiting us.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Kill me now.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I don't think this would ever be an option for us, seeing as how I consider my career every bit as important as Tristan considers his.

Besides, I don't think it would be the perfect opportunity if it meant Tristan would have to give up what he wanted for me to have what I wanted - the right opportunity would suit both of us.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I was in the opposite situation -- my SO relocated because of me. We always had an agreement (because at the time, we were both just out of college and just starting out in our careers) that if one of us got an offer or opportunity that was much better than the status quo, we would jump on it, even if it meant the other one had to give stuff up. Part and parcel with this agreement was the idea that the one with the job had to be making enough money to support the other.

We've done it twice now, and I think both times it has worked out for the best. In the first situation, my SO ended up getting a much better job than he had. In the second situation, he got to quit a job that he was looking for any excuse to quit.

But I think the key was that he didn't have any great opportunities in his current area either. He liked his job, but he didn't love it, and it wasn't building towards any sort of career. I think if you are committed to the relationship to the point where you will give up your job over it (and I'm not saying that is the right or wrong thing to do), you just have to look at it as an opportunity for change instead of thinking about all you are giving up. It might help to work out an "escape clause" with your SO, like you'll both go for a year and then re-evaluate the situation. But within that year, you both have to do everything within your power to make it work.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Austin is a wonderful place... About 2 years ago my company wanted to relocate me there and it would have been wonderful (instead they had us stay here in Houston.) If allergies are a problem, one of the first things you'll need to do is go to the dr. The city is in the Hill Country with all kinds of trees & pollen & other allergens. Well worth it though because Austin is beautiful.

The people are really nice and everyone **loves** the city - which kinda begets a positive feeling overall. (No one *loves* Houston, right?)

I had a friend whose SO relocated (they weren't married, so this will only apply limitedly.) She waited to see how he liked the city, his job, etc, before she joined him.

Is there a chance with your new company that you could relocate to Austin as well????

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I am in the process of relocating to Texas also because my wife has an opportunity to change her career to be one that allows her to spend more time with our daughter (11 months old). A nice side benefit is that she will be MUCH less stressed in her new role while bringing in a bunch more money. And a lessed stressed mama means happier family- "cause if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy" ...

This is our second time to relocate over the last 3.5 years because of her career. The last one was when she finished her fellowship and we moved to another part of the country so that she could pursue her "dream job." At the time, we both hated where we were (Memphis), even though all of our family was near there. So, leaving there was never a question. We just let her work opportunities decide for us.

When we arrived here in Winston-Salem, I found my current job. Which I LOVE. I have to have the best job in the world, but I am leaving it so that our family will be better off. This is just what my wife is doing. She is leaving her "dream job" too because it interfers too much with being "mom", and because she no longer wants to work 65+ hour weeks during half of the year (she is an attending physician at a local research hospital and she also has a basic science lab.)

We are moving somewhere where she will have little contact with the type of patients that she has been training to take care of for the last 10 years so that she can become a general pediatrician. I credit her so much for sacrificing her career aspiritions (research- she is NIH funded)for the sake of our daughter and family (I take up her slack when she is busy at work).

This sacrifice is a lovely thing she is doing. And since she is willing to do it, I am leaving my work too, of course. Now, I have to find another position for myself, but I doubt that I can find something as good as what I have now. There are just fewer opportunities there than here. However, nothing is as important to me as her and our family life, and I cannot imagine NOT supporting her. I believe that anyone who puts their career ahead of their family is too selfish to deserve one. And odds are, they won't have it for long.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

No, I've never done this and I can't see myself ever doing it. I don't want to live anywhere else and I don't think I'd be able to keep from feeling bitter about it. If it came down to it, I'd rather have a long distance relationship.

Luckily, neither of us have jobs where we're likely to be transferred or to be offered a dream job or amazing opportunity somewhere else.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

My SO will finish his PhD next year. He wants to be a professor, and since those openings aren't very plentiful in his field, he will probably have to take what he can get (wherever that is). I like my job, but I don't *love* it, so if he has to move across the country, I will probably go with him.

This wasn't (and isn't) an easy decision. It goes against all of my independent, feminist beliefs. And yet, right now my job isn't very important to me. And our relationship is. We've had a lot of discussions about it and he's said that if my job offered me a fantastic opportunity, he would delay looking for a university position and work in industry for a year or two and then we'd renegotiate.

I think this give and take is key--is one person always sacrificing for the other? Do the two of you make decisions together or does one person say "this is how it is" and the other has to go along with it?

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Well - I've been living apart from my SO for over a year, and while it feels good to know I'm independent, I'm totally miserably lonely without him. He's doing a lot better with his job than I am with mine, and he lives in a more interesting area, so it's a bit of a no- brainer who has to move.

At first I was totally resistant to the idea of moving, and he understood my point of view - I'd never lived alone/on my own before, but now I have, and it's kind of nice, but as time goes on I realize it's not what I really want. So I'm planning to move at the end of this year.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I've never been put in this situation, but used to discuss it with my ex-boyfriend, who wanted to move to either Amsterdam or Australia after graduation. Australia I'd be up for, but was less enthused about Amsterdam. But coming out of college, why not do it, was my attitude.

It would depend on the state of my relationship and how far away the guy was moving for me, I think. I love my job (even though I'm cheating right now by writing this). We'd have to be pretty committed for me to consider moving to be with him, because I'm not ditching here, moving there and finding out he wants to break up if I can avoid it. But if I loved him enough, I'd probably do it. I'm that kind of a romantic. Heck, I probably would have moved to Alaska (and I hate cold!) if my ex wanted to...

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I wouldn't mind so much giving up the job.....it's just a job, right?! I'm much more attached to my home, friends, family, and community. If your SO is your "home, friend, family", then you can always get another job. And if it doesn't work out, you can always move back. Very few decisions are completely irrevokable!

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Numerous times, yea... military family. My dad was also military, so I was pretty used to the idea by the time I was doing it.

It does make issues of 'career' difficult when you know you aren't going to be around long enough to get very far up the ladder where you are. My husband is beginning the process of retiring from the service, and I'm not sure that I'd ever willingly do it again (I figure I've done my time on that score)

But in general, what I've seen from my own experience and that of all those other military families around me is that what makes all the difference in the world between a relocation that is good for the family and one that brings tremendous stress is how willing both parties are to take the other ones' feelings and concerns into account - ie, the spouse who says 'this is just how it is, pack your stuff' is in for trouble, and the spouse who digs in and refuses to even consider ways to make it doable (or goes along and makes the other one 'pay' relentlessly) is in for trouble. If you have kids, they will relate to the parent that is NOT moving for the job - if mom hates the move, so will they. If mom is excited about the idea of new horizons, they will be too.

One of the healthiest ways of handling it I ever saw was from my parents on their final move - by then my mother had a job that made more money than my dad, and every bit as prestigious, and she wasn't about to toss it off without planning. He went on ahead to his duty assignment while she sold the house and started applying to jobs out where he was - but she didn't leave until she had a follow on every bit as good (and desirable) as the one she was holding. It took over a year, and that's maybe not something everyone would be willing to do, but it worked for them because they were acting as a team, each looking out for the needs of each other AND themselves and they were able to take into account both short term desires and longterm needs, and they didn't give a rip how it looked to anyone else.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I haven't relocated because of an SO, but I've had a couple of relationships break up over the issue of careers. The basic fact is that I'm at a point in my career where I have THE one big chance to make it as a academic researcher at at top-50 type school -- run my own research group, follow my own scientific star, whatever.

I could not respect myself if I came this far and didn't even try for the "big time". Being in academia at this level is sort of like being a rock star -- you drudge along for years (in someone's lab) and then all of a sudden you get noticed and you get your big break. And you have to do well. Comebacks in academia are a lot rarer than comebacks on VH-1 Behind the Music. If you do well enough you can go anywhere you want to and bring anyone you want to with you. But you have to tour hard and get a couple of platinum albums (or would that be funded NIH grant proposals) first.

And so, when it came down to it, I got divorced rather than subordinate my big chance to someone else's preferences (it's not that he couldn't have gotten a job here -- he has the kind of skills that would transfer to any academic community easily. He just didn't want to move because he didn't want to think of himself as a "trailing spouse").

It's a hard thing to do, either way. It's the big ugly unresolved issue of my life. I'd like to have a family (or at least a permanent boyfriend), but if I want to do what my "career brain" is telling me to do, I almost can't.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Thanks to all for the honest thoughts. I've been doing a lot of thinking since I posted. I neglected to tell you is that my husband said he would stop the interview process immediately if I asked. I wanted so badly to say, "Ok then, don't go!" but I couldn't. I love him too much.

But I realized today that even though I love my new job and things are going great for me there right now, it is just a job. Who's to say I can't do just as well somewhere else? My creativity and talent isn't going to disappear because I move. Maybe there is something just as fabulous for me down there.

I talked to him on my way home from work. He is in the airport waiting for his flight home. His interviews went well. They are going to give him a call in a few days. We'll see what happens...

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I know of a couple who relocated to the east coast from the midwest because of her job. After being there a couple of years, she went for a job interview back in the midwest and TOOK the job without even talking it over with him! Moved out and left him on his own! After a couple of lonely months, he finally moved back to live with relatives in the midwest and mull it over. To top it off she was pregnant when she accepted the new job. I don't know this couple well so there may be much more to the story than I know. I heard it from one of his relatives.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

I would have to say i'm an expert at this. I've done it twice.... My husband has relocated me twice because of his career. The first move was within our home state of Kentucky, just a few hours away from our family. This second move, just 4 months ago, was from Kentucky to Minnesota. WOW, what a culture shock i've encountered. I have found that i'm a true Southenor (sp) at heart and have no desire to be in the north. I'd move tomorrow if I could. They are just totally different from me. Notice I said different, not better or worse. I can't help the culture clash any more than they can, it's just the environments in which we were raised were totally different. Being from the South is all about respect, gentleness etc. and I have to say I haven't run into much of that here at all. Hell, you can't even get anybody to say hi to you! If you don't approach them first, forget it! So anyway! I sort of resent him for it even though it couldn't be helped. His company was bought out and he was one of the unluck ones that was losing his job. We had no choice but to move and do it quickly or be out of a job and with 2 little ones that wasn't possible. Think long and hard about any decision like this. It's a major life changing event and is VERY, VERY stressful.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

I'm an academic, like a number of other posters, and this issue has come up before in our marriage. I'm very lucky in that my husband is both portable and good-natured about being a trailing spouse -- his father is a professor so he has always assumed that's just part and parcel of being married. Did I score or what?

However, it is something we've talked about a lot, and like a number of friends in similar situations, we realized he wouldn't be comfortable being completely powerless in the question of where we were going next. He has veto power over any academic appointment if he can't stand the location (though that's off the table for a while, see below). That may cut into my job options in the future, but it's only fair. I think we're fortunate -- because I'm heading into academia, we knew that this question would come up before long. I imagine it's much harder if it's a question that hasn't been settled before the job interviews begin. There's so much going on with the stress of meeting new employers and the excitement of a new job possibility that it would be difficult to balance that against the needs of the relationship.

That being said, my husband has been really, really reluctant to leave the San Francisco Bay Area, while I'm ready to pack up and hit the road ("Can't you get a tenure-track job at Stanford?" "Sure, honey, they're handing those out to anyone who asks.") We resolved this question when I applied for and received a post-doc appointment in Paris, since he had begged to go there for years. From there I'll be applying to a fellowship in DC, since he wants very badly to live there again. After that, it's pretty much open season. I've found positions or made efforts at 3 for 3 of his top cities in the world. We both agree now that after this herculean effort on my part, it will be time for me to take the best position possible, even if it's somewhere hideous. I hope it's not, though.

One last thing: I dated a man for a few years who was also an academic, and he was a complete jerk about placements ("Man go where man get best job. Woman follow.") It was one of the major issues that ended the relationship. And for good reason.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Ayup -- that's how I wound up here in the Bay Area. I was unsure about it at first but now that I'm here I love it.

I too had just gotten to a good point at my job when Sabs started making noises about California.

It was hard to give it up -- but thankfully I got anew job before we moved as well, in the same company, so that measure of uncertainty was removed.

We also know a fair number of folks out here due to being online so much.

So picking up and moving across the country has actually been _good_ for my social life which is abig change from how things were in DC.

You never really know how a change of location is gonig to affect you ... so all you can do is jump in with both feet and hope it turns out well and be ready to move again if you don't like it.

Courage with it :)

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

When I fell in love with a guy from California (making my previous resolution of "No Long Distance Love Affairs" after a disastrous episode with a guy from the other side of Australia look silly), we came up against it; who would move, or would be call it off? He has a daughter in CA; I have my own business here. He came here, loved it and moved; I am very glad he didn't get off the plane and have an immediate "Sydney - Yucko" reaction.

Mind you, he's from Sacramento, which apart from the fact that our gracious hostess Beth Loves That Town, has little attraction for me. (think Psychobitch ex-wife and that seems less snobby than it sounds).

So - I've never had to move, but I considered it, and immediately rejected it. Does that count?

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Funny you should ask...

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2000

Julie said:

"But I realized today that even though I love my new job and things are going great for me there right now, it is just a job. Who's to say I can't do just as well somewhere else? My creativity and talent isn't going to disappear because I move. Maybe there is something just as fabulous for me down there."

And I think if she does move, that attitude will make it an excellent experience. So good luck, I hope it all works out really well for you.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2000