First: what are your top three most uncanny talents? Can you always find a parking space RIGHT next to the store? Can you soothe irrational people with a single sentence? Can you smite big, hairy roaches without fear? Tell us!

Second: Which three superpowers do you most wish you had? Would you like to be invisible? To be able to turn one element into another (iron into gold, etc.)? To be faster than a rolling O and stronger than silent E? To leap tall buildings in a single bound? To fly like an eagle, to the sea? (*ack*)

Third: What's your Super Name? (If you already have a Secret Identity, what's your 'ordinary name', Kal-El?)

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

Answers

I love this topic already.

Okay, my super powers are: 1) deafening people with my super-sonic mezzo-soprano hollering, 2) "enough sarcasm to level a planet," as revealed to me by Sharon L., and 3) turning people's hearts to stone with my withering glare. (I have one good one, too, but this is a family forum and stuff.)

The powers I want: 1) ability to dance fabulously to any song that comes on, 2) ability to play any musical instrument I touch, and 3) ability to communicate with anyone, regardless of the language they speak.

My super-name is Super Hell Cat. (I just love the way men in Barbara Cartland's novels are always telling the heroines, "Why, you little hell cat!")

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

I love this! Hmm...I honestly don't have many super duper powers...damn, I can't think of any! But the ones I'd like to have....I would kill to be able to read minds, but I wouldn't do it a lot, to be nosy or anything, just when I seriously seriously HAD to know what someobdy was thinking! Second,I want perfect, buff, long ass legs, is that a super power? It should be! Third, I wanna fly. Everybody says that, but I really really really REALLY want to be able to fly!!!

I'd call myself Bitch Goddess. I heard that in some old poem where the guy was bitching about how we should all beware the rise of the Bitch Goddess!

-- Anonymous, July 29, 2000

Superpowers I possess:
I am Massage Girl, able to make everyone at summer camp want to be my friend, and, later in life, able to weasel my way into the hearts and good graces of certain select pop stars. (*innocent look*)
In medical emergencies, I'm Cucumber-Cool Kel, able to swiftly, calmly, and effectively direct a group of panicked friends (all of them speeding out of their heads on meth) when one of them cut his hand open and needed stitches.
Who else answers the question "How old are you?" with "Thirty-three and two-thirds"? Why, it's Perpetually Not Grown Up Girl! Giddily running around with a raygun, excitedly telling her mom that she wants the Lego Millennium Falcon for her 34th birthday, Big Silly Kid amazes and frightens teenaged boys with her dead-on impersonations, and extensive knowledge, of Beavis and Butt-Head. (Nnnhheh-heh, heh!)

I only want one superpower, really. I want to fly. No machines, no wings-- just me, the way I've done in my dreams my entire life. Skydiving was a nice try, but I don't have the monetary means to make it a habit.
Well, okay, I guess I'd be invisible, too, for a little while. I love peoplewatching, and I'd never get caught that way.

I've been called "The Hands", Correction Kelly, and Fussy Girl, but howzabout SUP-erKlee!? ("klee" is "Kelly" without the "e", by the by.)

-- Anonymous, July 29, 2000

Heh! Kel, you CAN'T leave 'em hangin' like that! *snicker* And I can truly vouch for The Powah of The Hands... my neck hasn't bothered me in a year thanks to you!

I have the Power of Foof... in fact, I am the Self-Appointed Goddess of Foof. I feel compelled to turn even the most mudane of dwellings into an expression of personality, I love picking out things for other people, and I cannot have someone over for dinner without doing *something* special. I don't know if that's uncanny, but there it is. I can read Psychcards (like a cross between Tarot and Jungian archetypes) with pretty good results. And I have Kitty Mojo.... There's only one cat in the world who hates me: my friends' psychokitty Bates. Other than that, every kitty in the world is my friend.

Superpowers I wish I had...? Well, Kelly-klee's got the power of walking into any room and BAM, making friends. And not just out of people, but out of Pop Stars, Movie People, Celebrities. I've seen her do it. She's got an amazingly winning personality and, even if she doesn't FEEL it (because I know she'll protest!), she seems totally at ease, delighted, and genuinely interested in everyone -- well, ALMOST everyone -- she meets, and people respond to that. Even Pop Stars. :) I wish I had that knack.

I'd also like to have Appearence Panache. You know, the people who can throw on jeans and a sweatshirt and totally look dressed up and sophisticated? Who can throw together amazing-looking ensembles out of nothing? I always look sloppy, even in my most expensive suit and after an hour on my hair.

And I'd like The Power of Writing. Milla has that... give her a minute and a half, I swear, and she can write the most fuckingly funny things just like *that*! Boom. She can develop a single, most innocuous statement into hilarious a movie parody or dialogue or sketch. Milla freakin' needs her own newspaper column or something!

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2000

My pre-existing super power would have to be my amazing ability to convienently forget what I don't want to remember. I don't know how I do it.

I wish I had the power to generate money just by sitting on my ass and doing nothing.

My name...Super Freak

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2000

Super Powers: I can charm and cajol practically anyone under the age of nine, but particularly boys. I just seem to know exactly how to talk to them, which is strange, because I have no desire to have children and don't get along particularly well with most people over the age of ten. Also: my friend Nance says I have "the ability to create amazing worlds." I'm not sure what she means (I think it just means she likes the way I painted my bathroom), but I adore the compliment.

Powers I'd Like: I *never* would have thought of the flying one, but that's terrific! I've developed a fear of flying that's rivaled only by my love of travel. You can imagine the fun that ensues.

Super Power moniker: The Mighty Ape.

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2000

My powers include getting the Ace and Deuce of Hearts every fourth hand, eating spinach without any salt or seasoning, and laughing at any part of the movie for reasons beyond norman human ken.

At first I was thinking I wanted to build up a static charge, like the Pikachu, but instead of electrocuting people, I could induce an orgasmic euphoria. And I could release it to varying degrees, from Prolonged Heroin High, to Vanilla Cone from Yogurt Park, to Unbuttoning Your Pants After A Huge Sushi Meal. I would be universally selcomed and feared as the Mighty Morphine Power Ranger.

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2000

Norman Human Ken: an accessory to the Barbie Jedi Knights Collection.

Selcome: what sperm banks do.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Dude, don't be pretending to accidentally misspell "welcome" just so you can set up skanky puns.

You're supposed to get a friend to do that for you.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

My top 3 superpowers:

1. Talking smack about someone and always always *always* having that person somehow standing right behind me.

2. Finding the lone pile of dog poo in large, open fields of grass.

3. Being able to eek past the expiration dates on yogurt cups without getting sick.

I'd like a super-power that would enable me to give people small but intensely itchy rashes right at the moment they're about to do something I don't want them to do. You know, when you can see it about to happen and you're powerless to stop it? Bam! there's your rash!

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

My current Super Powers:

1. I am Epoch Woman. I have endless amounts of patience. I can outwait anyone and anything. Without fidgeting. Without getting bored. (Of course, that "not getting bored" bit has a lot to do with the amount of toys and distractions I carry around with me out of habit. You know how moms have The Distraction Pocket in their purses? My entire purse is one big Distraction Pocket.) I've also been known to go away and come back later, the idea being that the conflict will have resolved itself in my absense...other times, because I'm coming back ONLY when I feel like it, that can be, on occasion, never. If I give enough of a damn about something to take a stand, I will level all opposition using a devastatingly slow but powerful technique. Woo. It's like water boring through a rock. It would be more dramatic if I could pick them up and fling them into the next county, thereby removing the source of conflict altogether; or if I could tell them what color their underwear was with a mere flick of the eyelash, thereby embarrassing them into conceding my point; but no. Sometimes pointed Logic, much like a properly applied pointed stick, works wonders when combined with Patience.

2. Like Dawn and April K., I have Animal Magnetism. It works on small children, too. I have yet to meet a small child or animal I can't charm eventually. Again, cats in particular. I can translate their behavior and "chatter", communicate with them (it's eerie when a cat actually obeys) and I can say that none of my animals have ever been "difficult" with strangers. You know...speaking of being able to communicate with young 'uns...I don't think any of us want kids. Maybe it's one of those cases of having a gift that really comes in handy if you have children, but, Nature being perverse, a few childfree-by-choice people get it too. Here, Kitty-Kitty.

3. I can do the parking thing. Despite hating to parallel park. I've never been booted or towed (knock wood) and I usually, with or without applying persistence, find a parking spot close to my desired goal. It sometimes works when I'm a passenger, too. Best of all, it isn't just parking. I'm a good luck charm for most situations. It doesn't do me a bit of good on my own, alas, and it doesn't do me a bit of good if I'm with someone else with Devastating Social Mojo (our Mojos cancel each other out and results are unpredictable at best), but on the whole, it's wonderful. When I'm out with a Less Mojified friend, we never have to deal with horrible traffic, we always make the movie on time, restaurants are always open or we find a better one with better food, enemies and exes get along or at least call a truce, velvet ropes part and doormen mellow, doorcharges are waived (sometimes), bartenders give out free samples, musicians give out free CDs and stickers, we're invited to private parties, we run into people we haven't seen in ages and, all-in-all, we have a good time. Party On, Garth.

3.5. I also type and read v. quickly, but I hesitiate to classify these as super-powers, because they make me long-winded and prone to spending too much money in bookstores. Aren't super powers supposed to be good things?

Super Powers Desired:

1. I'm unoriginal, so I guess I'd also like to fly. It just looks like fun. I'd like not to have to deal with crappy traffic. I'd have to be able to carry at least one other person, too. Failing that, I'd accept the ability to breathe underwater and withstand water pressure, like Aquaman. He may not be the most exciting superhero, and I don't like blond men or orange costumes...but I like swimming.

2. I'd like to be able to heal and fix anyone and anything. Maybe it's caretaking taken to a new extreme, but I always feel so helpless when something breaks or someone I care about is ill. I can fix most things, and I can soothe and help heal many people, but it's not a sure bet either way.

3. I believe there is a cartoon character that can look--just watch-- anyone and be able to duplicate the most difficult physical feats immediately. I'd love that! Imagine being able to just watch gymnastics, or martial arts, or sleight-of-hand, or fine art techniques, or tango lessons, or gourmet cooking, and then being able to immediately apply what you just saw, and do it perfectly? I forget the made-up term they used to describe this character's power, but I still think it was a neat idea.

Online, I am net.Goddess, or the Millanator, or the Original Lorelei but offline, I am merely Hey You or Malinda. I'm not sure WHAT my Super Name is or would be. Hmm. Shame on me for asking all of you a question I don't know how to answer myself!

P.s. Mike--I'm impressed that you can eat spinach without condiments but I'm more impressed that you didn't mention sand. I'd love to be able to eat spinach--with or without condiments-- and not have to also eat some sandy grit. I also like Ann's desired Super Power--money for nothin'. (That's the way you do it. Play the geetar on the MTV.) Sure would free up a lot of my day...which is currently spent being paid very little to do stuff I don't really enjoy.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

My top three must uncanny talents?

I'm well-known and sought after as a listener, but that's not the talent - when I want to push the buttons of my woman friends, I can pretend to be the world's biggest male chauvinist pig and it gets these chicks rolling their eyes and laughing super hard all at the same time. It's the shock factor, I suppose. :-)

I'm Economy-Of-Movement Boy - when I move I'm usually doing 5 different things at once, trying to combine everything into one single, fluid movement. Sounds lame, huh? Well, I have fun with it. We can't always choose our super powers, you know.

I have the ability to get promotions and raises at work at a faster pace than my peers without doing as much work and with absolutely never kissing any ass. This one spooks even me. I don't know how it happens, but I ain't complainin', ya know?

Super Powers I'd like to have:

Invisibility (just like everyone else)

Teleportation - the ability to precisely and instantaneously transport myself to any location in the world

I'd like to be able to stop time and move freely about all the time-frozen people. I know, wasn't there a Twilight Zone or Outer Limits about this once? The guy broke his watch or whatever he had that made time stop and he was stuck in frozen-time forever. What a sap. The key is to have two watches.

My Super Name? Hmmm... nope, all my secret names are too embarrassing. :-)

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Current Superpowers: 1. I can fit my entire fist in my mouth. 2. At work (publishing) I can write the most kick-ass back cover copy, way better than the senior editors. 3. I am a darts prodigy.

Desired Superpowers: 1. I want a metabolism that works at the speed of light. 2. I would like to have a rewind mechanism that would enable me to go back in time and make snappy comebacks. 3. You know that thing The Clapper? I would like "clap on!" "clap off!" powers to control anything in the universe.

My Super Name: "Candy Boots." Mmm-hmm.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I am Useless Information Man! My grasp of trivia has caused fear & loathing in lesser mortals.

I have no other superpowers, but I would like to have the power of Instant Karma. If I see somebody being a jerk, I want them to get theirs right then. (It'd also be great to reward people for being nice, but that's not as satisfying as revenge.)

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Current Superpower: I am Train Girl. As soon as I descend the stairs, the train comes. This is a *fabulous* power to have, as I'm in NYC. The downside is that I am *not* traffic light girl, but it's not too bad because I rarely drive.

I wish I could: beam myself places. I never have enough time to get to see my family and if I could just beam myself there on Fridays after work and back Sunday nights it would be perfect. I would like to be able to read people's minds, especially men, since I generally have *no* idea what they're thinking. For my last superpower, I wish I could heal people. Just by touching them, poof! they'd be better. That would be really really cool.

I don't have a Super Name. I used to have an evil twin named Jezebel, but she hardly goes out at all anymore.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

My special powers include The Look, guarenteed to send grown men crying to their mommies; an Endless Supply of Uninteresting Trivia, mostly about greek myth and other useless crap; and of course, my secret weapon: I have the power to make people go away. My geeky guy friends and I discovered it in junior high. I can say the perfect thing a a crowded room to make people back off, or I do a funky little dance so people think I'm nuts, or I just sing, high pitched and slightly out of tune. It's very useful at football games and in doctor waiting rooms: any place where you want space. Others call it being repellent and (gasp)freakish, but I hail it as a Super Power.

What powers do I want? Perfect, unfailing wit. The ability to shoot fire from my eyes. Telekinesis, so I'd never have to get off my fat ass. Actual, honest to god decent hair control so my head doesn't look like a rat resort. Invisibility. Ice Breath. OK, maybe I just want to be a Powerpuff Girl.

My name? The aforementioned geeky guys I spent my adolescence wasting time with named me Neyru, Princess of Darkness.

My camp friends called me Olive Oyl, but it's not nearly as Super Name-y, is it?

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2000

I have the lightest periods ever. A ten pack of slendar regular tampax lasts me three months. Does that count as a superpower or does that just make me less of a woman? I'm also really skilled at concealing my hate for customers. They actually think I'm happy to serve them! I've been pulled over for speeding many times and never received a ticket. (I don't speed unless I'm driving home to Kansas, then I burn through Oklahoma and get pulled over every time). My dad was a highway patrolman so maybe that's how I know what to say to cops. (And no, I don't say "My Daddy's a patrolman, too!)

If I could choose a superpower I'd have the power of influence. I'd love to be supremely manipulative; to be able to talk people into anything. (I'm a selfish, selfish girl!) You can call me Ice Princess.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Wait, wait! I need just one more super power! I'd love to be able to talk to the animals, especially my own kitties. Maybe they could explain to me why they choose to pee in the sink when they have a nice, fresh box of litter. And they could tell me what it is they find so alluring about plastic milk lid rings.

Yeah, and I'd find loving homes for all the world's strays.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Jill... don't just sit there! Tell us what to say to the patrolpeeps!

I wanted to tell you the other day that the first $50 I make on my t-shirts, I'm using to get the cat spayed. (But I couldn't find the topic where we were last discussing that.) Aren't you happy? Don't say I never do anything for you, Jill.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Gwen, is it too late for the "Get Gwen's Cats Spayed Fun Run"? hehe Man, that's another good PayPal idea!

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

No way, it's not too late. I'll let y'all pay me. You can run in my back yard. The cats can watch. Then y'all can run after them and we'll haul them to the vet.

Tee hee. See? Run... fun!

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Gwen, Omigod! I could not be more pleased. I feel so warm and fuzzy! Good for you and good for the kitties!!! I don't know if you remember but awhile ago, after I first found your site I sent you a little fan e-mail and then followed up my praise with some preaching about how you should spay/neuter all the neighborhood cats. I felt kind of like a dork but I really do worry about all the lonely hungry little critters before I go to sleep at night. Before you catch the cat(s) call around to some vet clinics. I've heard about places that will sterilize feral animals for free if you bring them in. Good luck and thanks for making me so happy!

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Oh yeah, highway patrolmen. My Dad never told me what to say or anything, but I'm sure there must have been a few subtle cues I picked up from him. Anyway, this is what has worked for me so far. I never say "Sir" because that sounds to deferent and scared, like you've been doing something wrong. Don't admit to doing anything wrong, don't ask how fast you were going, don't say you were in a hurry. Don't lie, don't cry, don't flirt, don't say sorry. Just be normal and friendly and respectful, I guess, and answer the nice officer's questions. Maybe the reason I've never had a ticket is because I usually have my 3 cats in their carriers in the backseat. They'll braying and crying and poking their paws and noses out of their little carriers. Maybe the cops thought they were cute, who knows?

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I just thought of a superpower I have:

I have the ability to enjoy the journey versus making it all about the destination. That sounds way more metaphysical than I meant it to be. Like on Saturdays, I talk people into going to a Waffle House breakfast and maybe one other activity (shopping, gym, whatever) and we laugh our asses off and always say what a good time we had "just being." Also, really trying to have nice conversations with people who happen to be sharing the same space with you, at a particular moment (like restaurant help, bank tellers, garbage men, etc.) It makes the day go by in a nice way for all.

Yep, I'm proud of that.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2000

i cant tie a cherry stem in a knot w/ my tongue! i can also french brade my own hair but i cant do that on other peoples hair. i can say how much wood could a woodcuhck chuck it a would chuck could chuck wood really fast! Thats all!

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2000