A friend of Klee's is having a White Trash party, and I, in my Plastic Velveeta Ultralounge/Goddess of Foof capabilities, have been called upon as party consultant. I've already made lists of music and decoration ideas and compiled a few recipies, like Gramma's Porcupine Hors D'oureves and the ever-popular Ritz Cracker Mock Apple Pie... but do any of you have other suggestions for special White Trash treats to serve? Decor? Music? Special touches? I mean, iffen I can't get answers here...!

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

Answers

And accordingly.... Ritz Mock Apple Pie!

"The classic pie, featuring Ritz crackers baked in a golden crust, is perfect for the holidays." (HOWL!)

INGREDIENTS[br] Pastry for two-crust 9-inch pie[br] 36 RITZ Crackers, coarsely broken (about 1 3/4 cups crumbs)[br] 1 3/4 cups water [br] 2 cups sugar[br] 2 teaspoons cream of tartar[br] 2 tablespoons lemon juice[br] Grated peel of one lemon[br] 2 tablespoons margarine or butter[br] 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon[br] INSTRUCTIONS[br] 1. Roll out half the pastry and line a 9-inch pie plate. Place cracker crumbs in prepared crust; set aside. [br] 2. Heat water, sugar and cream of tartar to a boil in saucepan over high heat; simmer for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and peel; cool. [br] 3. Pour syrup over cracker crumbs. Dot with margarine or butter; sprinkle with cinnamon. Roll out remaining pastry; place over pie. Trim, seal and flute edges. Slit top crust to allow steam to escape. [br] 4. Bake at 425]F for 30 to 35 minutes or until crust is crisp and golden. Cool completely.

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

A piece of an old toilet in the front yard has always done it for me. It just screams "welcome guests! check your taste at the door" in a warm "Bob-Villa-Running-Over-Martha-Stewart's-Cat" kinda way. If you're extra homey (not in the "homey in the hood" way) plant some plastic flowers in the bowl. Change as needed for the seasons!

Voila!

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

For recipes, you might try here.. http://www.yeeeoww.com/yecch/spamentries.html

drink suggestions: I think any variety of Arbor Mist Wine would do...especially the Strawberry or Blackberry kinds. Or you might just go to your local liquor store and ask for whatever's available for less than $2

And maybe Off topic?? I just read an article in this week's Chronicle that mentioned white trash parties. No food suggestions, just commentary:

http://www.auschron.com/issues/dispatch/2000-07-28/music_feature.html

http://www.yeeeoww.com/yecch/spamentries.html

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

how disgusting are those spam entries?? Forgot to warn you, don't read if you plan on eating sometime today..

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

Growing up, my mom would make us Ritz apple pie on special occasions, because she couldn't afford to use real apples. And we ate a lot of Spam. It may not look too good, but if you prepare it well it isn't really that bad. It's kind of like sausage.

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

You *gotta* have Spam. Fry it up, or bake it with cloves in it, like a nice baked ham.

Also: Vienna sausages on toothpicks. Velveeta on crackers. The cheapest canned beer you can find (National Bohemian, Pabst Blue Ribbon or Schiltz are good choices, if you can find them in your area).

I second the toilet in the front yard. A tire-less, beat-up junker of a car up on blocks is good, too. Or an old pick-up truck (don't forget the gun rack and the "You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers" bumper sticker).

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

That cheap beer is "Schlitz", not "Schiltz".

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

Lilipili's White Trash Tips: Cover your sofa with clear plastic (a la Sylvia Fine), put clear plastic runners on your carpet, wear a psychedelic muu-muu or skin- tight fuschia capri pants with lime-green mules adorned with plastic flowers, use cocktail animals and flourescent plastic swizzle sticks, apply 3 coats of fake tan (you don't want the "natural" look- you're aiming for "tandoori"), serve ambrosia salad and jell-o boats, decorate your house with those honeycomb decorations, and throw spare tyres on your front lawn. Have a great party!

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

Dwanollah, do you have time to make macaroni light-switch covers? I know what you're thinking: "Lisa, that's a Christmas craft!" Not anymore!

Spray painted the right color, they'd work in summer.

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

I don't know if you can get this in America, but certain beers such as Labbatt 50 or wine such as Baby Duck or Moody Blue (bottle label looks like denim) says "touch of class" in these parts. And good lord you can't have a white trash party without HEAVY mayonnaise foods jello mold desserts (especially with pieces of fruit inside) or Snowball, which is a sick mix of every god awful thig imaginable. I believe at least a few of the ingredients are marshmallow cream, shredded coconut, gelatin, dried fruit, sugar.

-- Anonymous, July 29, 2000

Any kind of casserole involving a cream soup with potato chip topping is good too (I have whole recipe books of stuff like this compiled by various women's social/agricultural groups, courtesy of MIL). Wine that comes in a box would be an appropriate accompaniment to this style of food.

-- Anonymous, July 29, 2000

A friend of mine had a very successfull white trash birthday party last fall. the best thing to do if you might have guests arriving who haven't put much effort into their theme attire is to get on over to Walmart and buy a pack or two of Hanes white ribbed undershirts. assign them as uniforms to anyone who shows up inappropriately dressed: the boys can wear as is, girls can tie them to expose that midriff. classy!

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2000

Plastic lawn ornaments. Pork rinds, though inedible, a nice touch. Big hair, thick eyeliner and lots of eyeshadow.

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2000

You can serve potted meat, vienna sausages, of course as someone has already mentioned spam, boones farm wine (nothing beats that kool-aid taste, and serve red, white and blue beer. (of course this is assuming that you have access to all of these luxury items. :0) Boones wine actually isn't that bad. :0) You should put up posters of scantilly clad men and women. Car and monster truck posters. I liked the ribbed t-shirt idea to. Don't forget doo rags--either use bandanas or the ones you can purchase in gas stations. Don't forget to have a ruler to measure the height of hair. The guys could have mullets. :0) It'd be great to see some pictures of the party.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Rice Krispie's Treats shouts it to me.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

My favorite first class finger food for a party...and when I grew up in Arkansas, we KNEW how to throw 'em...is Mayonnaise Sandwiches.

Recipe White bread (Wonder is best because of its special glue-like quality) Mayonnaise

Spread mayo thickly and cut sandwich into fourths. YUM YUM!

Peanut butter variation Spread one side with mayo, the other with Peanut Butter.

Old tires filled with stagnant water set strategically in the front yard are always a big hit with the kids.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

First and foremost you simply MUST have all condiment containers cluttering every card table, picnic table and/or T.V. tray at which your guests will eat. Ketchup bottle, mayo bottle with knife stuck in in, milk jug...do not use serving dishes of any kind. Buy disposable foil pans for holding greasy burgers & dogs, display proudly on disposable plastic or paper tablecloths that have kool-aid rings on them before the first guest even arrives. Mix in "matching" duck or teddy bear print paper napkins. Disposable cutler should NOT be color coordinated and should be the cheapest variety you can find. Stack extra rolls of toilet paper on back of commode, if you have one of those knitted goose covers even better. Make sure everyone has to use one threadbare old beach towel that hangs on a nail in the bathroom.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

I nearly forgot....decorations!

If you can get your hands on them, the colored egg cartons are great for adding that festive touch. Simply cut the bumpy part off the top flap (toss the top part) and glue to your ceiling and walls. Use as many different colors as you can. Excellent insulation for folks in colder climes.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2000

Wow. I mean, WOW! I'm glad to see that I'd picked up on a number of the stellar touches y'all suggested... the Rice Krispies Treats and Spam stuff... the ashtrays... Vienna weiners... afghans.... I put the Party Planning Guide I sent to Klee's friend on my (shameless self promo!) website, dwanollah.com, and included a link back to here (if that's okay, Gwen. If not, e-mail me!) for additional Party Planning Inspiration.

Thanks, you guys! Now Klee's gotta take pictures and tell me how it turns out!

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Of course it's okay. Let us know how it goes. Take pictures for show and tell!

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2000

Don't forget the abandoned junk car in the front yard. Usually with no hood. James

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2000

Nobody has mentioned the yard animals..borrow,steal,import at least an additional half dozen to compliment your normal half dozen that normally sleep under the porch..these dogs with an assortment of other animals (cats,chickens etc) will always keep the party lively..

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2000

If ya get tired of the Ritz Mock APple Pie, try this White Trash Dessert... --- Crush a couple of Butterfingers, fold into Cool Whip, dollop on pre-made angel food or white cake.

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2000