Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office. 'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few games. You've been hopeless, completely off form.' 'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.' 'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and Brooklyn okay?' 'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.' 'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie. 'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...' 'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're fu**ing up every time you play because of a bloo*y jigsaw?!!!' 'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...' 'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester United's success, other than Roy Keane's wages, obviously.' 'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box.. .er...boss.' Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'David,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.' 'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really is.' So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office. 'Here it is, boss.' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk. Ferguson looks at what's on his desk and the feint dusty cloud now hanging over it. He looks up at David Beckham. 'David, put the fu**ing Frosties back in the box.'

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2000

Answers

Oh no TM, that's older than you & I put together + it was posted on here several times last season, where've you been - Alzheimer's setting in?

Mind you I'm peed off that nobody appreciated my dog named "Sex" joke the other day!

;7)

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2000

best thing about Altzheimers is you get a new set of friends every day.

The best thing about.....sorry.

Some one may not have seen it, here's another.

In 2017 Posh and Becks are hounded out of the UK and set off to California to buy a ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. Years of designer clothes and Brooklyn's drug habit has taken its toll. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Posh looks at the bank balance then takes their last $600 out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells David "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring it home."

Posh arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send David a telegram to tell him the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to David Beckham telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can take it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull,Posh only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send David one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word,'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'?" Posh explains, "David's not such a good reader. He'll read it slow!"

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2000