Brilliant - one for the lads, be warned - NOT FOR THE EASILY DISTURBED!

I was spending the day in the house on my own and had already 'knocked a few out' including a couple of 'arm breakers' when I decided there was more to life than 'burping the worm' all the time.

My 'blue veined hooligan' had been getting a bit sore lately as a result, and it was therefore time for my 'womb broom' to experience a bit of action to give 'kojak's money box' a chance to 'shoot some filthy yoghurt' into some woman's 'furry letter box'. 'Feeding the pigeons' is OK but not to the extent I had been doing it.

Later that evening I prepared myself for a night on the town with the boys. There's no better preparation then having 'baked one' (held a shite back) for hours and then feeling the ecstasy of 'releasing the chocolate hostage'. It's funny, as soon as the 'pace car' (leading shite) is away the rest comes roaring out of the pits behind it.

As a rule I generally 'back one out' twice a day.

Anyway I get to the nightclub. There are a few 'swamp donkeys' and 'salad dodgers' hanging around including a few others that looked like they have been 'ram raiding on scooters'.

Then I caught the eye of this 'aeroplane blond' (one who had dyed her hair but probably still had a black box). She was tall and slim with 'massive jugs' and 'n!pples the size of fighter pilots' thumbs' - amazing. She walked towards me and my mind started to work overtime. It looked like I would be 'feeding the horses' not the pigeons tonight if I played my cards right. I had been a 'harbour master' (one who's been with a few tugs) in my time but this one was an exception. We got talking and it didn't take long for the subject of $ex to come up - she was definitely a 'hose monster' (one who can't get enough of the hose) I thought to myself.

We talked all night in the club and ended up back at mine where the topic of $ex continued. By this point my '$punk trumpet' was like a 'horse's handbrake'. I could tell she was also getting aroused with all this dirty chat so I ripped off her blouse and sunk my mouth into her bazookas chewing on her n!pples which were now 'the size of JCB starter buttons'.

My hands started to wander down stairs in search of her 'womb ferret'. When I found it, it was 'wetter than an otters pocket', and so I began to rub it frantically. At the same time she put her hand

in my pants and started to 'choke the chicken' and then on to 'smoking the Whitehouse cigar', taking it deep into her throat until my c0ck was like a 'diamond cutter'. With my hair trigger I didn't want to be labelled 'a dress messer' so I pulled out before it was too late. After a short break I had her knickers off but to my horror there was a 'cotton pony' hanging out of her 'bacon rashers' - I soon got rid of that. I was then faced with a decision, should I go for the 'easy pink or the tight brown'? - I decided to play safe on this occasion. 'Like a rat up a drainpipe' I proceeded to 'bend one up' and in no time I was 'porking her' with my 'conkers deep' inside her 'double doors'. Missionary first then onto 'playing the double bass' (doggy style with left hand on left t!t and right hand on muff). I can't play the double bass so I just started to bang away as hard as I could until she was 'shaking like a $hitting dog' and my 'guy rope' (the skin connecting the fly sheet to the tent pole) was almost splitting.

The time had come to 'empty my concrete'. She had already told me she was on the pill (not that it mattered) but I decided to play safe again and 'shot my $perm blunderbuss' across her bows. Instead of firing my 'baby gravy' over her belly and t!ts due to my excitement I ended up giving her a 'pearl necklace' and other 'jelly jewellery' to match. To show her my appreciation I decided to go down on her and finish off the job. Because she was 'up on blocks' (a leak from under the beetle bonnet) and my c0ck already looked like a 'barbers pole', I realised it was going to get messy. F*ck it I thought and proceeded to take my first 'sip from the hairy teacup'. It stunk like an 'anchovies fa*ny' and I could feel the 'mexican lipstick' all over my chops but I didn't give a $hit as a hadn't been 'muff diving'for ages. She started to 'come for England' and was 'all over me like a cheap suit'. I must have 'given her a right good shafting' as well because when she got up to visit the loo she was 'walking like John Wayne'.

This was two weeks ago now and haven't had a sniff since so I'm back to 'spanking the monkey' again. I've considered turning gay but those camp 'turd burgling' 'chutney ferrets' make me sick. The thought of a 'crafty butcher' (one who likes taking his meat around the back) pushing his 'chocolate lollypop' in my 'rusty sheriff's badge' and into my 'soil sump' doesn't really appeal. As this 'uphill gardening' business with arsetronauts is definitely not my scene I'm happy to stick to my 'bell ringing' even if it does end up making me blind. Anyway I'm off to 'drop the kids of at the pool' for the last time today.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Answers

It seems like only last week that we were debating whether or not swearing on the BBS was permissible because of kids reading it

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

And are there any kids reading? I sincerely hope not...I like the informal, relaxed atmosphere on here.....

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Hmm. Someone's got a copy of Roger's Profanisaurus and too much time on their hands.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

I just re-read the first posting and I couldn't find any swear words, there must be some new ones there (perhaps for kids only?), that I haven't heard / seen before!?

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Just 'young at hearts' on here with the password thing.

"Shaking like a $hitting Dog" captures the imagination, classic.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000