This one needs no introduction, folks...except that it's a genuine Steve Martin piece, from his book, "Pure Drivel." Enjoy.

The Hundred Greatest Books That I've Read

by Steve Martin

1. "The A-Bomb and Your School Desk"

2. "Little Lulu", number 24, January 1954

3. "The Weekly Reader Humor Column"

4. "Women Love It If You're Funny!" (advertisement)

5. "Robert Orben's Patter for Magicians"

6. The book that starts, "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times."

7. "Silas Marner", by George Eliot (first and last page only)

8. "The Catcher in the Rye", by J.D. Salinger

9. "Sex for Teenagers" (pamphlet, 1962)

10. "The Nude" (serious art photos)

11. "Lolita" (movie only)

12. "Owner's Manual, 1966 Mustang"

13. "Showmanship for Magicians", by Dariel Fitzkee

14. "Marijuana! Totally Harmless" (can't remember author)

15."Steal This Book", by Abbie Hoffman

16. "Fasting With Incense", by "Free"

17. "Being and Nothingness", by J.-P. Sartre

18. "Being and Nothingness", Cliffs Notes

19. "The Complete Works of e.e. cummings"

20. "The Love Poems of John Donne"

21. "How for Two Years to Never Once Speak to the Girl of Your Dreams, Even Though You Sit across from Her Every Day in the College Library", by Iggy Carbanza

22. "How to Seduce Women by Being Withdrawn, Falsely Poetic, Quiet and Moody" (same author)

23. "The Expert at the Card Table", by S.W. Erdnase

24. 'Hamlet" (screenplay)

25. "Millionaire Banjo Players of Fresno" (leaflet)

26. "A Coney Island of the Mind", by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

27. "Why It's Not Important to Have a Fancy Table at a Restaurant", by D. Jones

28. "Journey to Ixtlan" by Carlos Castanada

29. "Who to Call When You're Busted for Peyote" by Officer P.R. Gainsly

30. "Books Whose Titles Are Printed at the Top of the Cover So They Look Good Sticking Out of Your Back Pocket", published by the New York Public Library

31. "Tess of the D'Urbervilles", by Thomas Hardy

32. "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky

33. "Ulysses", by James Joyce (first sentence only)

34. "The Playboy Advisor" (letters about stereo equipment only)

35. "What Night Club Audiences Are Like in Utah", by "Red" Snapper

36. "Fifty Great Spots for Self-Immolation in Bryce Canyon", by "Red" Snapper (now deceased)

37. "Great Laundromats of the Southwest", by the General Services Administration

38. "Using Hypnotism to Eliminate the Word 'Like' from Your Vocabulary", by Swami Helatious

39. "The Hollywood Hot One Hundred" (article)

40. "How to Not Let Anyone Know You're Having a Panic Attack", by E.K.G.

41. "The Hollywood Hot One Hundred" (rechecking)

42. "If You're Not Happy When Everything Good is Happening to You, You Must be Insane", by Loopy d'Lulu

43. The Nouveau Riche, and Its Attraction to Silver Bathroom Wallpaper", by Paige Rense

44. "How to Bid At Sotheby's"

45. "Thinking You're a Genius in the Art Market Until 1989, by Sir Warren Duggs (ex-Christie's, currently in prison)

46. "Beating the Experts at Chinese Ceramics", by Taiwan Tony

47. "Selling Your Fake Chinese Ceramics", by Taiwan Tony

48. "Windows for Dummies"

49. "Windows for Idiots"

50. "Windows for the Subhuman"

51. "Fifty Annoying Sinus Infections You Can Legally Give Bill Gates", by Steve Jobs

52. "Romeo and Juliet", by William Shakespeare

53. "Wuthering Heights", by Emily Bronte

54. "The Wedding Planner", by Martha Stewart

55. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", by John Gray (gift)

56. "How Come You Don't Listen to Me No Mo'?" by Dr. Grady Ulose (gift)

57. "Ten Lousy Things Men Do to Be Rotten", by Dr. Laura Sleshslinger

58. "Crummy Men Who Can't Think and Don' Do Nothin'", by Dr. Laura Sleshslinger

59. "Pre-Nup Loopholes", by Anon, Esq.

60. "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", Prelude Press

61. "How to Get Over a Broken Love Affair"

62. "Mourning is Your Best Friend"

63. "Be a Man, Get Over It!"

64. "Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders", American Psychiatric Association

65. "Get Ready to Live!" by H. Camper

66. "Omelet: Olga -- Mnemonic Devices for Remembering Waitresses' Names"

67. "Victoria's Secret", fall catalogue

68. "Your Stomach, and Why It's So Fat"

69. "Inappropriate Dating and Your Hair", by Spraon Brown

70. "Male Menopause", by "A Big, Crying Baby"

71. "He", by Robert Johnson

72. "Him, a Journey into the Male Psyche", by Howard Johnson

73. "Hunting Quail With a Tank", by Charlton Heston

74. "Bonding With the Feminine"

75. "Bringing Out the Feminine"

76. "What Breasts Can Make You Do", by Joseph Keen

77. "Owner's Manual for the Harley Davidson 'Sportster' 883"

78. "One Hundred Worst Movies of the 80s" (skimmed)

79. "Women Love it When Men Cry, for About a Minute"

80. "Life Begins at Forty, Too Bad You're Fifty", by Trini Montana

81. "It's Time to Leave Childish Humor Behind", by Ayed Lykta Dooya

82. "How Methadone Can Help Cure Your Chap Stick Addiction" (doctor's office pamphlet)

83. "Your Prostate", by Dr. Pokey d'Hole

84. "Glasses, Contacts, or Surgery?" (pamphlet)

85. "Tingling Feet, a Diet Cure" (Internet download)

86. "Ringing in the Ears" (pamphlet)

87. "Hearing in Restaurants", by S. Louder

88. "Those Itchy, Itchy Eyes!" (e-mailed booklet)

89. "Arthritis!"

90. "Tics You Can Look Forward To"

91. "Arrythmia Can Be Fun!" (billboard)

92. "The User's Guide to Prescription Drugs", AMA

93. "Look! And Other Ways to Get Her to Turn Away While You Take Your Viagra"

94. "Why It's Important to Have a Fancy Table at a Restaurant", by D. Jones

95. "Final Exit" (Hemlock Society)

96. "Whatever Happened to..." (article)

97. "Staying Current Through Insane Contract Demands", by Specs LaRue

98. "Celebrity Secrets for Crying During Interviews" by Rogers and Cowan

99. "Your Birth Certificate Could Be Five Years Off (magazine ad)

100. "Wisdom After Fifty and Why Nobody Cares"

-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), July 20, 2000

Answers

This is _very_ funny. Thanks, Eve.

-- (retired@nd.happy), July 20, 2000.

Thanks, eve. These were great. Wish he'd do more stand-up stuff; he was great on the early days of Saturday Night Live.

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), July 20, 2000.