Match Number 14

8 April 1996, Blackburn Rovers away. It was the Geordies' night! Sadly, the Geordies in question were Messers Fenton and Shearer. Ack! Choke! The inevitability of those 2 late, late, LATE goals didn't prevent that ice-cold hand clutching at every heart wherever you were that night....urgh! Batty had actually put us 1-0 up and there had been much clenching of fists and screaming of encouragement until then. It is no consolation to know that Fenton was lately booted out of Leicester for his part in selling tickets to Spurs fans in the wrong end at Wembley. Hideous memory...sorry the randomiser chose to share it with us again.

Points Hislop 1 Watson 2 Beresford 2 Peacock 1 (booked) Albert 2 Batty 5 (goal) Beardsley 2 Lee 2 Ginola 2 Gillespie 1 (sub) Ferdinand 2 Asprilla 2

Results: Match 14

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Athletico Backworth	1-0	Duncan's Disorderlies
Barton's Samba	3-0	Dabizas Pleazas
Beardo United	4-1	Brewery Droopers United
Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	3-0	MacBeth's Marauders
MinesaS&N Academicals	1-1	Toon Goons
Pilgrim's Converts	2-0	Wallsend Old Boys
Proper Lard Unathletic	1-0	Woodstock County
Steph's Superstars	1-1	Yelli's Yobs

Right, that does it! Pilgrim produced a really pony result tonight but was up against a big, fat '0' from Wallsend Old Boys...I thought he was cheating through his spreadsheet or rigging the randomiser I use, but it looks suspisciously like he's nobbling his opponents...

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Baxter Basics	3-1	Howdon Harriers
Blaydon Racers	1-0	Dudley Boys
Carlisle United Revisited	2-0	Corinthian Smart-Casuals
Chevy's Choppers	3-0	ITK Heaton World Beaters
Jessie's High Pants	1-1	Screacher's Creatures
Pete's Porkie Pies	0-0	Spayne
Quantum Mechanicals	5-1	The Gallowgate
Real Zaragossy	0-4	The Stellar Warriors

Chevy's Choppers are just showing off now...winning is clearly a habit :-)

BBS Notionless League Division 2

Bewildered De Builders	5-1	Gallowgateaserai
Ceptic	0-5	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts
Doomed United	3-0	FC Forget-Me-Nots
Douglas All Boys (B) Team	2-1	Preston Big End
Real Seghill	1-3	Superstitious FC
Sexy Boys	0-4	The Entertainers
Shilbottle WMC	1-1	Toon Gutter Snipes
SS Enterprise	6-0	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles

Great win for Elliott's SS Enterprise there (I'm sure Josh will agree)!

BBS Premier Corinthian League Table

Position	Team	Manager	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Pilgrim's Converts	Pilgrim	11	2	1	39	14	25	35
2	Yelli's Yobs	Yelli	7	4	3	35	24	11	25
3	MinesaS&N Academicals	muzzainoz	7	3	4	33	21	12	24
4	Steph's Superstars	Steph	7	3	4	28	19	9	24
5	Brewery Droopers United	Windy	8	0	6	28	20	8	24
6	Athletico Backworth	Jonno	6	4	4	29	26	3	22
7	Beardo United	Beardo	6	3	5	37	35	2	21
8	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	SMB	6	2	6	31	29	2	20
9	Woodstock County	Cliff	5	2	7	21	19	2	17
10	Toon Goons	Ciara	4	5	5	22	29	-7	17
11	Proper Lard Unathletic	Tony Green jnr	5	1	8	21	23	-2	16
12	Dabizas Pleazas	PeteT	5	1	8	18	29	-11	16
13	Barton's Samba	Barton	5	1	8	13	30	-17	16
14	Duncan's Disorderlies	Dunx	4	2	8	15	24	-9	14
15	MacBeth's Marauders	MacBeth	4	2	8	18	29	-11	14
16	Wallsend Old Boys	Hiro	4	1	9	21	37	-16	13

BBS Notionless League Division 1 Table

Position	Team	Manager	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Quantum Mechanicals	True	10	3	1	33	12	21	33
2	Howdon Harriers	Softie	8	3	3	38	19	19	27
3	The Stellar Warriors	Galaxy	8	3	3	30	20	10	27
4	Carlisle United Revisited	Scratchy	8	3	3	27	20	7	27
5	Baxter Basics	Baxter	7	2	5	20	20	0	23
6	Jessie's High Pants	Loony Toon	6	3	5	19	18	1	21
7	Screacher's Creatures	Screacher	5	5	4	26	29	-3	20
8	Blaydon Racers	Geordie	5	4	5	28	24	4	19
9	Spayne	Kevin Koogan (Garcie)	5	4	5	20	24	-4	19
10	Pete's Porkie Pies	Pete in Canada	4	4	6	13	16	-3	16
11	Real Zaragossy	Dr Bill	5	1	8	26	31	-5	16
12	Dudley Boys	Hayley	4	4	6	16	22	-6	16
13	Corinthian Smart-Casuals	The Geordie Jew	3	4	7	18	28	-10	13
14	ITK Heaton World Beaters	ITK	3	3	8	9	21	-12	12
15	Chevy's Choppers	Chevy	2	4	8	16	22	-6	10
16	The Gallowgate	Kegsy	2	4	8	21	43	-22	10

BBS Notionless League Division 2 Table

Position	Team	Manager	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	Tom	10	3	1	38	11	27	33
2	Preston Big End	clarky	8	3	3	31	19	12	27
3	Shilbottle WMC	Gus	7	5	2	27	18	9	26
4	The Entertainers	Kevin Keegan	7	3	4	41	29	12	24
5	Douglas All Boys (B) Team	Gibbo	7	2	5	33	37	-4	23
6	Real Seghill	Juano	5	5	4	31	19	12	20
7	Bewildered De Builders	De Builder	5	5	4	33	27	6	20
8	FC Forget-Me-Nots	Robby Bobson	6	2	6	17	21	-4	20
9	SS Enterprise	Elliot	5	4	5	30	21	9	19
10	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	Josh	6	1	7	24	36	-12	19
11	Superstitious FC	Gav	4	5	5	36	39	-3	17
12	Gallowgateaserai	Pit Bill	4	3	7	18	22	-4	15
13	Doomed United	Dougal	4	3	7	18	25	-7	15
14	Toon Gutter Snipes	Tre	4	3	7	23	32	-9	15
15	Sexy Boys	Ruud Gullit	3	1	10	14	36	-22	10
16	Ceptic	TSM	3	0	11	10	42	-32	9

Fixtures: Match 15

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Brewery Droopers United	Vs	Athletico Backworth
Dabizas Pleazas	Vs	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach
Duncan's Disorderlies	Vs	Beardo United
MacBeth's Marauders	Vs	Barton's Samba
Toon Goons	Vs	Proper Lard Unathletic
Wallsend Old Boys	Vs	Steph's Superstars
Woodstock County	Vs	MinesaS&N Academicals
Yelli's Yobs	Vs	Pilgrim's Converts

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Corinthian Smart-Casuals	Vs	Baxter Basics
Dudley Boys	Vs	Chevy's Choppers
Howdon Harriers	Vs	Carlisle United Revisited
ITK Heaton World Beaters	Vs	Blaydon Racers
Screacher's Creatures	Vs	Quantum Mechanicals
Spayne	Vs	Real Zaragossy
The Gallowgate	Vs	Jessie's High Pants
The Stellar Warriors	Vs	Pete's Porkie Pies

BBS Notionless League Division 2

FC Forget-Me-Nots	Vs	Bewildered De Builders
FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	Vs	Douglas All Boys (B) Team
Gallowgateaserai	Vs	Doomed United
Preston Big End	Vs	Ceptic
Superstitious FC	Vs	Shilbottle WMC
The Entertainers	Vs	SS Enterprise
Toon Gutter Snipes	Vs	Real Seghill
Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	Vs	Sexy Boys

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2000

Answers

Well, I am simply lost for words. What can I say? What can anybody say after such a humiliating defeat? Floods. Never in all my centuries of football management have I had to suffer like I did tonight. As if the football wasn't bad enough I had to put up with the touch-line strutting of Doomed United's chief coach who was obviously groomed at the John Gregory school of football management.

As I speak, I am writing my letter of resignation. I can't go on like this and simply have to go and when a man's got to go, a man's got to go (even though we are sponsored by Robbies Incontinance Pants).

There's more to life than this. The chairman has to be told and that's what I'll do. I'll deliver it first thing tomorrow afternoon after I've done my work out at the bingo hall. I'll tell him. I'm leaving and that's it. The Over-60s club will have to go so that I can concentrate full time on the football. By god we at FC F*ckupalot Football Club have got a long way to go. And nobody knows better than me how far we've got to go.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2000

Yer right Softie. I can't believe we won (or the previous match either)! Your randomiser is certainly shining its little light on the Converts at the mo. No doubt Yelli will put an end to that tomorrow.

Still if WOB really got a big fat zero then you probably should have given me a few more goals! Yer just pissed off 'cos the Harriers had their coals put in by Baxter. :o))

I see you've drawn me away yet again for the next match. At this rate I'll finish the season with 7 straight home games.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2000

You lot are all just a bunch of whingers. You were at home in this match, small wonder you're away in the next one. Pah! I've tried to stagger it like that wherever possible, but you can't do it like that throughout...or rather, if you can, mail it to me and I'll use it! :-)

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Half way through the season nearly... 9 away games 6 at home. At least I can look forward to a strong run-in!

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

AHAHAHAAHAAHAHA - No I'm not laughing at you - that's my fixtures to date. I'm sure you're doing your best Softie!

(But you're still a tart!) :-))

Now where did I put my dad's ARP helmet?

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Bliddy spreadsheeter!

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

I won't have a word said against our venerable league chairman, at least while FC Jumpers for Goalposts continue their marvellous streak of good fortune!! At this rate we'll have to upgrade to real goalposts banishing forever the cry of "over" from our 3 foot 6 goalie!

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000