Read somewhere(football365??) yesterday that Gregory made his players wear electronic tags during the close season to monitor their fitness and make sure they didn't 'slack off'. Today the Mirror reports Joachim's transfer request has been turned down because Gregory is angry at Joachim calling him "gutless". Oh yeah, John, makes alot more sense to keep a player who doesn't want to work with you, out of spite.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2000

Answers

I've just read somewhere about those tags....and the fact that they are now considering changing the name of the team to PentonVilla!

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2000

It looks to me as though Gregors has lost the confidence of the players at Villa - a la TDO - and this stupid trick provides an insight into why.
I'd be surprised if he lasts through this coming season in the job.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2000

I heard they're looking for a new gaolkeeper.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2000

Here are five more steps Big Brother John should take at the Ministry Of Villa Park...Courtesy of Football 365.

1) Bug Players Who Are The Subject Of Transfer Speculation

By the simple insertion of a radio transmitter into a player's ear during a routine trip to the physio, John would be able to keep much closer tabs on those want-away money grabbers. Thus he could monitor the player and his agent indulging in the kind of misinformation, behind the scenes horse-trading and general shadiness that is the mark of the modern transfer deal and take 'corrective action' before it's too late.

2) Tail All Players Home After Training

Villa, like all top (ish) clubs, have invested millions in players and employ scores of professionals to hone their bodies and skills during training. But after the five-a-side cones are safely gathered in, they simply herd the Benis, Merses and Dions back into their sports cars and unleash them to undo all the good work in the betting shops, boozers and lap dancing clubs of Birmingham. Why not stalk the players - either with trained private investigators or, if money is tight, anorak-wearing Villa obsessives who will work for free and were probably doing it anyway - and find out the minutiae of their private lives, eating habits and so on? It's what the Italians do. Probably.

3) Go Through Players' Rubbish For Evidence Of Unorthodox Behaviour

Injured players are dead-wood at any club and John would really be better off without them cluttering up the place. Solution? Go through the walking wounded's wheelie bins, plant notes describing Doug Ellis as 'a lovely old boy adored by all, and very free with his cash too' and so on, then send the poor deluded souls for long- term 'evaluation' in the bowels of Villa Park. Undesirable elements disposed of.

4) Employ Complex Psychological Warfare Against Contract Rebels

Villa have big problems in this area. Every day, another prized youngster is set to jump ship to a bigger club, another star player is being tapped up for a Bosman move, another senior pro is refusing to sign the new contract. All these problems can be eased via a combination of threatening late night calls, bizarre e-mails and secret transmitters placed in car stereos, televisions and mobile phones, whispering: "stay at Villa, or the voices won't stop. Ever." Creepy but effective.

5) Install Hidden Cameras All Around The Club

Under the guise of security, this will allow Gregory to keep an eye on players at all times. Banter in the dressing room? High-jinx in the canteen? All can be eradicated with the outlay of a few thousand quid on CCTV, allowing troublmakers to be weeded out and ejected with the minimum of fuss.

Villa better act swiftly though, or they might not have any players left...

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2000