A new range of viruses have been caught emerging from Scumchester. Be careful...

The Manchester United virus: Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1993.

The Man United shirt virus: This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

The Schmeichel virus: Your PC develops a hideous, large red dot in the middle of the screen.

The David Beckham virus: The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus: Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus: Your PC develops a continuous whining noise.

The Andy Cole virus: Your PC is unable to get anything into the inbox

The Massimo Taibi virus: You just can't save anything.

The Ryan Giggs virus: Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is.

Less virulent, but still wise to keep an eye out for are:

The Ian Walker virus: Your PC will act as though it will save something, but let you down at the last minute.

The David Ginola virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.

The Stan Collymore virus: Luckily this one doesn't actually work, but sometimes boots up some Swedish computers.

The Glenn Hoddle virus: Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Tony Adams/Rio Ferdinand virus: All drive privileges lost.

The Bradford City virus: Makes you think it will go down but presses escape at the last minute.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000