wants vs. needs and which is which

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I've been debating this one with my ex and others for like a year, and Beth's "need a dog" thing brought it to mind...(please don't get offended, Beth, I'm just pondering)

What do you define as a "need", as opposed to a "want" (or a "want REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD")? What is your criteria for determining this?

Mine is that if you will die without it, or be seriously screwed in your life (say, if you have to have X in or lose your job, or flunk the class, or something similar) without it, that's a need. I mostly qualify it as a biological thing with a few exceptions. Really bad cravings or desires that don't fall into these categories I usually determine as a "want", because of the lack of consequences if I don't get it (other than possibly driving me nuts).

However, the thing people get on me about in this is that I don't count emotional desires (love, a particular kind of treatment from someone, wanting a dog) as a need, when they think I should. If it drives me nuts to not have X emotionally or makes me unhappy or something, then I *need* it.

Absolutely right? Utter poppycock? You tell me, I'm baffled.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Answers

Clearly, we biologically need just a few things.

Wanting a Lexus or a puppy or an iBook isn't a need in that sense. Even emotional needs [love, companionship, acknowledgment] vary dramatically between people and cultures.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000


Needs are generally either physical or emotional. The specific 'things' we want are to fulfill needs. Maybe the difference is "If I can't have the new Lexus, what CAN I have that will fill the need it represents?"

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

My mother always stuck to your definition of "need," Jennifer, and I understand your position. But you can always weasel emotional desires into the narrow definition of "need." I'm involved in a sad, very public case in New York where a father hurled himself out of a window because, among other reasons, he had lost custody of his daughter. I guess in a way he proved that he "needed" contact with his daughter, as opposed to "wanting" it very much.

Once I've persuaded you to accept that position, I've got you on a slippery slope. We can take it back, step by step until basic emotional desires (someone to love, a sense of security) are recast as "needs."

At some point, this argument becomes silly -- maybe you need financial security, and owning a Lexus is a symbol to you of finally having enough. But I have trouble calling a Lexus a "need."

I think the truth lies somewhere on my slippery slope between the two extreme positions. Where exactly to draw the line? Dunno. But, bottom line, maybe Beth really, really needs that second dog. Don't close your mind to it.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000


Well, there are needs that go beyond survival. I needed to get new pots for my plants. Was this a need that I could have survived without? Probably. My plants would have died, though. I need to get a bike. I can survive without a bike (I have for this long), but it will be cheaper in the long run than taking the bus, and it will help get me into shape. I need to get my driver's license. I don't want to get a car, but if I ever go anywhere with the boyfriend, it would be nice if he didn't have to drive. Also, it's a valuable peice of ID. Now, as for the things that I want (a computer, another cat), those aren't necessary to my day to day survival. They will make me happy, but I won't die.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

There's a guy named Maslow who developed what we a call his pyramid of needs. Basically, outside of these basic needs, everything else is gravy... but we have to have these things, at all times (as in a continual effort to reach a place where all are being me).

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000


Try this link for the whole write up - which was my first intention.

Maybe I didn't get it in the first time because all my needs aren't being met??? :-)

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000


I've heard about the Maslow pyramid approximately 200 times- or at least one teacher brings it up in class every single year. Though in all honesty, I don't fully agree with it the higher it goes. Nowadays I keep hearing how self-esteem is required before you can be loved by anyone- the whole love yourself first or else all your relationships will be awful thing, so that one may need to be flip-flopped. The "self-actualization" part has always ticked me off because it's so rare and so many people manage fairly well without it and so few even get it that I wouldn't think of it as a "need." Goal, perhaps, but it's not a requirement in the same way as the lower stuff. It's kind of been the BS part of the whole thing to me. Found the argument that artists and the like having some degree of it while being nutcases or starving to be interesting, but I don't think they count.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

I agree with you, Jennifer, except that I think being driven nuts by not having something you desire (chocolate?) is just as bad as being driven nuts not having X emotionally. But in either case, the "craving" has to go on for over a day or two.

Typically I say "need" when I have a desire, just for effect. Because there are things you don't really think about needing - enough vitamins or fiber - which are far more important than, say, doing laundry. Then again, I will say "I need to do laundry" when I'm starting to run out of clothes but won't actually do it till the absolute last possible minute...

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000


Hmmmm. When it comes to cravings, even if they last a long time, I notice they do go away when you don't fufill them for a long time. I think you just get used to not having it.

Another reason why I tend to think wanting something really really bad still isn't a need, when it will go away and there's probably no harm done.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000


I don't think we even 'need' emotional connections with people - some live quite successfully without a partner or any major emotional connections. I define needs as things we cannot survive without - so I'd only really include shelter, food, water ...

However, I REALLY REALLY want a puppy/kitten, and a shiny blue iBook. But I won't die if I don't get them.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000



i've been WANTING to know why some people feel that they NEED to get an ibook instead of a pc notebook? it runs apple software for goodness sakes! i mean really, why would one want that?

this just makes me think people even get their wants all messed up, not just their needs from their wants ... ;-)

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000


Jarvis, it's because I REALLY REALLY like pretty curvy colourful things, like Smeg fridges and VW Beetles (the new ones). It's a sickness and it's expensive, but I can't seem to help myself.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Good luck Jackie on your little problem there. I know how you feel.

I get the same way when I enter a bakery. And a candy shop.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000


I'm into pretty, curvy Beetles, etc. myself. I prefer PC's to Macs, but asthetically I'm happy we're getting iMacs at work next week.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

I would say that I find good connections with other humans to be a need, not just a want. Sure, I can live (in the sense of still being breathing) with no connections and a pile of Prozac to keep my emotions from wandering. But "you call that living?" It's not much fun.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000


Love is a need. People kill themselves for the lack of it all the time. That's not to say you need a life partner - but you do need people in your life who care about you. I'd argue that love is at least as necessary to survival as shelter is.
Joanne



-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

I'm going to have to agree with the several people who have said that people need emotional connections. It is a well-known fact that babies who have all their physical needs met (fed, clothed, bathed) but are not interacted with will die. A fairly recent example was in the orphanages in the former Yugoslavia. Children who were physically cared for but received no additonal attention or stimulation were failing to thrive.

I think this need may lessen with age, but I have no doubt that human contact, both physical and emotional, is a very real need.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000


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