I'm only a matter of weeks away before I move into a house with my girlfriend. So everyone be aware, I may have more hangovers than usual and I may be sounding a bit stressed and appearing to still have my independence. Oh and if somebody says I can't go to the pub they can expect a short sharp response.

Meanwhile, trying to sort out my TV licence i found these on the website.

"Our enquiry officers have heard them all, a lot of the time it's the same old story, but some times it's the kind of story they feel they have to share. The Red light - Destroyer of Damp

A woman claimed to the enquiry officer that she did not have a TV, even though he could see one behind her in the corner of the room. When he asked her about it she exclaimed "Oh, that oneit's broken". He told her that there was a red light on at the bottom. She replied "Oh, that wee red light, I just keep that on as it keeps the damp from getting into it". Bang the Television

A woman in a village claimed she only had a black and white television but when the enquiry officer asked if he could see it she quickly told him that there must be something wrong with it because if she hit it, it would sometimes come on in colour. She allowed him into her living room and proceeded to hit the television before switching it on. Sure enough, the television came on in colour. "there you are" she said, "see what I mean, there's something wrong with it". Sky or SKY

When interviewing a woman in London, an enquiry officer asked during the conversation if she had Sky. "Yes", she replied. He proceeded to ask her what channels she watched on Sky and she answered "I haven't got Sky". A little confused, the enquiry officer reminded her that she had just told him that she had Sky. "Yes, that's right, she's in the pram." She replied, pointing to her daughter. Christmas Lights

An enquiry officer visited an address one evening where the curtains were open and a television set could be seen clearly - in use - in the lounge. When the occupier came to the door, he strongly denied having a set, saying that the enquiry officer had mistaken his Christmas tree light for a TV. The enquiry officer asked to go in and have a look, but was denied entry while the curtains were quickly closed. He went back to his car nearby to write out his report. A couple of minutes later he was surprised to see the husband and wife come out of the house carrying the TV. They put the set into the boot of the car and drove off. The Vicious Tomcat.

A young woman said that she didn't have a television and the enquiry officers asked if they could check. The woman said it was safe only as far as the hallway, as she would have to remove her cat which was hostile and vicious towards strangers. The officers said that they would take a chance, but the lady insisted that it would be too dangerous, so the officers were left in the hall whilst she disappeared into the lounge. At that moment a ginger tomcat appeared from the kitchen. The officers stood rooted to the spot as this feline meowed and purred towards them, then started to stroke itself against their legs. At the same time, the movement of furniture could be heard from the lounge, only to be interrupted by the occasional call of "come here Tilly you naughty cat" and "I won't be a minute, I've nearly caught him". The officers by this time had picked the cat up and were playing with it. One of them called through the door "What colour is the cat?" The lady replied "Ginger, with a red collar". The description perfectly matched that of the cat in the hall. A minute later the lady appeared saying that it was OK to enter, so the officer returned the cat to her, and retrieved the television set from the balcony. The Sick Cat

The woman claimed that the reason for her not having a licence was because her cat had got sick down the back of the set and blew it up. I don't live here

Most enquiry officers come across the excuse "I don't live here". It's surprising how many are men dressed only in boxer shorts with nothing on their feet and have "just popped round to feed the dog". The Wife

But the most common reaction from men confronted by TV Licensing enquiry officers is: "Oh, I thought my wife was dealing with it."

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Answers

Why the F@#k do you need a licence for a TV??? It's not like it's a dangerous appliance that needs a responsible person of an appropriate age to operate it.

I think the governments found another way to rip you off!

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Wadda ya mean found it's been going on for years and if you don't have one have to pay a large fine. Brits pay more....

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

It's what funds the BBC, Tre. Allegedly this ensures quality programming as the film-makers don't have to kow tow to corporate sponsors and aim everything at the lowest common denominator.

In reality, the BBC have ceased to be able to bid for major sporting events, having dropped Grand Prix motor racing, football highlights, 5/6 Nations Rugby, Cricket etc etc etc. This really rankles when the fee isn't reduced accordingly whilst crap like Eastenders and National Lottery Live! continue to be churned out.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

I had to join this one didn't I................!

Softie.....how much do you pay for your newspaper each day?

Tabloids 30-40p per day.....Broadsheets 45-75p per day......and how long do they last? ..............Tabloids up to a maximum of an hour, broadsheets up to two hours....bit more at the weekend with all the extra supplements.

BBC1(lasts 24 hours) BBC2(lasts 24 hours) Radio 1(lasts 24 hours) Radio 2(lasts 24 hours) Radio 3(lasts 24 hours) Radio 4(lasts 19 hours) Radio 5 Live(lasts 24 hours) and that is before you add in local TV and Local Radio......and how much does this service, which gives access to over 100 hours of broadcasting each day, cost the licence payer.....................................28p per day.....I don't know about you, but I pay 2p more than that for a packet of hula hoops..................and of course, this is extremely bad value for money.

A remember, when you get to 70 (that got Screacher's interest) it will be #5.00 a year (a little more that 1p a day)

On top of that, the licence is per household, not per TV.....if you've got one in the house or one in every room the cost of the licence does not increase......shame you can't say the same for Sly TV and their superb services......decoder and chargeable rate for every TV linked to the system.

And don't make the mistake that ITV is free....it is anything but. The last survey of shopping showed that if companies didn't advertise, they could lop money off all their products....not just the advertised ones, and that on average, every person pays an extra #195 per year in the supermarket to support advertising.....and remember, that is per person, not per household, so your average nuclear family are paying up to #1,000 a year for ITV......is the BBC really still THAT expensive?

Alright, so they can't throw silly money at sports events to get coverage....who's fault is that and what are they supposed to do about it....they have to satisfy EVERYONE from all walks of life and with a variety of diverse interests and not just one group.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Certainly it may be more value for money than many other things, and the arguments for the fee make some sense. But it sounds to me like the issue is more the fact that people are forced to pay a fee just to have a tv( or two or a dozen) in their homes. And supposedly only for a few channels they may or may not want to watch. Suppose there are folks who want nothing to do with broadcast channels and only want a tv to watch videos or dvds? They're still charged for a service they have no intention of using. And if this money is also funding radio stations, then why aren't people charged license fees for buying radios? At least with Sky or other cable/satellite services people have a choice of whether or not to pay for the extra equipment needed. I really don't know how such things are handled in other countries, but in the States PBS and National Public Radio receive some funding from the government(cut back drastically over the years), the rest from begathons and corporate sponsorship. They don't have as much money as they'd like(who does, really?), but still maintain a level of programming far above the usual commercial fare. And it's commercial free. The audience is not required to pay for these programs, but many people willingly contribute because they enjoy the programming.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

ITK, you sound like one of the advertising slogans :-)

I'm well aware of the value for money argument, but I fail to see the quality programming that the lisence fee is supposed to be protecting. Since they aren't delivering on that level, and are producing some right old tat to win ratings battles, they should stop p*ssing about and get sponsorship for programmes. Channel 4 compares extremely favourably on the same level, and whilst I recognize that they only have the two channels to think about (C4 and Film4) I would be amazed to hear anyone hold up BBCNews24 as something defensible - it's shambolic.

I also can't help but notice substantial numbers of adverts appearing during the cable BBC channels so the whole 'we protect you from adverts to keep the quality of programmes high' falls a bit flat if we bring them into the equation. The BBC will never be able to serve the nation in the way it wishes to if they can't make realistic bids for programmes. If they can't bring in sufficient funding through the lisence fee then they should drop it because it just winds everyone up paying and not getting the service they expect/used to get. Sorry if that's unpalatable, but I wouldn't pay to watch bog-snorkelling and marathon running by choice.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

ITK,

With all those TV and radio stations only on 24 hours each a year, that means you can only watch or listen for about a week!

How can that be value?

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

I'm well and truly on your side here ITK. I think auntie beeb is brilliant value for money if your figures are gospel. Even if they aren't, anything that doesn't break programme continuity every 10 to 15 minutes with 3 minutes of crap aimed at morons, has my vote every time.

Very rarely does anybody else better the BBC for drama, documentaries natural history or so called high brow stuff, and if most of the license fee goes on producing top quality stuff only in those categories, that's ok by me.

Sport is a miss, but if I had any say, I'd tell them to go for the Chan4 jugular and nick Football Italia. Even the Tour de France would be worth a dabble. You can write off the BBC ever getting British footy back other than in the form of MOTD, but there's no way I'll watch the ITV version.

Let's face it, whichever channel it is, most of the revenue will go on one or two flagship programmes, with the rest on any old crap that'll fill the slot. Occasionally something unexpected will come up, like Monty Python, or League of Gentlemen, but I'll bet you a pound to a pinch of shit things like that would rarely see the light of day on any of the independant channels.

Can there be anything worse these days than chan 5. Abyssmal.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

Pit Bill said,

"Very rarely does anybody else better the BBC for drama, documentaries natural history or so called high brow stuff...."

What about Greenspun Place? A darn site more entertaining for far less cost, 24hrs / 7 days a week!!

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2000

Pit Bill - you're a two-faced t0$$er. I bet I know what you do during those frequent 3 minute interludes. And at 20 minute intervals, at our age, they are just about perfected to a "bladder-full".

To be honest, I don't mind paying for the licence. However, I'd rather that I could subscribe. Then, if I choose not to watch Aunty Beeb I could without having to pay anyway. The technology is there. Why not use it and put those miserable gits from the TV Defector unit out of a job. Second only to traffic wardens in the human race them lot.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2000