What does it mean when you absolutely cannot go to a party because you totally can't have fun? What does it mean when you can't abide the sight of others having fun? Why is it that you lose the ability to *have* fun? Is it possible to be born without the ability to have fun?

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Answers

It depends on the circumstances....

I think there are some people who are not *born to party.*

It also depends on the culture of the group you are partying with, the age of these people, your age, your interests.... If you're into Mozart and they're all into, ummmm... say, Ozzy Ozbourne, you might have conflicting interests.

It doesn't mean that you don't like to watch others having fun.

Just examine why you don't have fun - your reactions to things.

But, really, the grand scheme of things, while it may suck in your early 20's, thankfully for me at least (because I also wasn't a heavy party person), party days are just a phase. I don't think you lose the ability to have fun - you just grow up and realize there is a lot to do in the world other than party.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Well, I don't like watching others have fun. Too much envy happens.

Parties... other people either have dates when I don't, or have dates that seem prettier/sexier than mine...or can talk to one another when i can't.

I apparently have no interests that anyone finds socially useful.

I really don't have any ability to connect with others. The little group I hang out and drink ale with at the local pub are all other over-educated, bachelor ne'er-do-wells. I don't go to the parties they give, since there are never any girl humans and what passes for clever banter at the bar loses its flavor at a house.

I"ve never been able to give a party where anyone had a good time; I've never had a good time at a party-- never picked anyone up, flirted successfully, had cool stories to tell, been invited to be part of the group doing the cool things.

I'm miserable at home alone, but I hate the risks of humiliation in being around people.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

I suppose I know what you mean, Lohr. As a married guy with young child I don't actually go to parties, but there certainly are times when my stress level gets high enough that I don't want to hang out with anyone, do get annoyed with happy folk, and generally just mope. While I would prefer to blame the military-industrial complex, or at least society, I suppose it happens because parties aren't made for uptight guys who live too much in their own heads, or vice versa.

Of course, it's always easy to see the green on the fence's opposite side -- there have been plenty of nights lately where hanging out at a pub with a handful of overeducated bachelors sounds better than the extended second-hand social life that I have (hanging out with the fathers of the children with whose mothers my wife is a friend, if you follow). Don't know if that's any help.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

So many options...

(1) Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to have fun. Are you thinking about the events, trying to plug them in and see how they rate on your fun scale? Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out.

(2) Are you entering situations with the expectation that you won't have fun? That could very well be a self-fulfilling prophecy and they are very easy to fall in to.

(3) Maybe you're just not the party type. I used to be but I'm not anymore. Whereas my definition of fun used to be as many people as possible, in as small a place as possible, with as much alcohol as possible, I'm much more low key now. Now I enjoy quiet evenings, quiet parties, quiet people.

Think about it. Write it down. What do you enjoy doing? What makes you feel fulfilled? When was the last time you had fun and what were you doing? People lose the ability to have fun when they're depressed. Is there an area in your life which you're ignoring? Have you had emotional/mood problems in your past?

Fun can be different things for different people. Find people that mesh with your interests. Don't worry about humiliating yourself by saying something embarrassing (easier said than done, I know) -- if people tease you for saying something, fuck them! There are many people out there who will appreciate you for you.

I don't need to go through the depression checklist, we've all heard enough about it. This could be a very real possibility for you, if you derive joy from nothing. Your subject says it all: Anhedonia. The inability to experience pleasure. Talk to someone.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

I have no idea about the last three things, but the first one most likely means you just don't like the things that typically happen at parties (getting drunk, acting idiotic, maybe eating or dancing, talking with random drunk folks). And many people wouldn't blame you for that one.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Lohr: You've got problems that a bulletin board can't solve. If what you see is true, go see a professional.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Here's a multiple choice list of answers, take your pick!

-You don't really mention if you EVER had fun partying. If you did at one time, and no longer enjoy it, maybe you're just burned out or done with the scene.

-OR, maybe you should try to find a different group of people to hang out with. Perhaps the bachelors in the pub just don't cut it for the type of partying you have in mind.

-OR, maybe you're just one of those non-party people. Nothing wrong with that. I find myself coming closer to that with age, except every now and then I still cut loose and get a lil party action going.

-OR, maybe u could enjoy partying, but you don't because u aren't able to meet girls. So you convince yourself that you had a lame time and that parties suck.

Whatever the answer may be,I think you need to realize that you don't HAVE to enjoy going to parties, drinking, and socializing with people. It's not for everyone.

just my lil 2 cents.

-Z

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

1) It means you take yourself too seriously.

2) This also means you take yourself too seriously.

3) Because you take yourself too seriously.

4) Who cares? You take yourself too seriously.

I suspect you already know the answer: write yourself a different life story - one that doesn't suck. Given your declared nihilist/postmodern leanings, you're either full of shit or you're lazy.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

>What does it mean when you absolutely cannot go to a party because >you totally can't have fun?

A lot of times parties *aren't* fun. At 90% of the so-called "fun" parties I've been to, the "fun" revolved around alcohol, drugs, or the like. The parties I have fun at are usually the smaller, intimate get-togethers with clever people to converse with.

>What does it mean when you can't abide the sight of others having >fun?

I don't think many enjoy seeing others have fun when they aren't. Just look at little kids: if one is doing something that seems like fun, the other wants to be a part of it-- and will have a fit if they don't get to.

>Why is it that you lose the ability to *have* fun?

Bullshit. If you lose the ability, you've allowed it to become lost.

>Is it possible to be born without the ability to have fun?

No.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Since when does "going to parties" equal "having fun"? Unless you get wasted, large gatherings of people like that just aren't "fun." Well, ok, if they're gathering about for the express purpose of listening to a great band/DJ, then it's kind of fun. But otherwise I can't abide parties sober.

I don't know if it's possible to be born without the ability to have fun - I think all little kids, for example, just naturally can have fun with almost anything. They know what is fun and what is not, which is why they get bored easily.

Losing the ability to have fun/not being able to watch others have fun, sounds a bit more serious. Of course I'm so full of myself that if I'm not having fun, I can't imagine anyone else at the party having fun; they're simply too ignorant to know how foolish they look.

If you don't like parties, don't go. Nothing wrong with that. I'd rather curl up with a good book than go out to party with a bunch of strangers any day.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

I wanted to answer this without reading any of the other responses, because I want my answer to be uninfluenced by other answers.

I don't believe I know how to have fun. I think this is caused by my depression. I don't like going places, don't like doing things or being around people. If my boyfriend can talk me into taking him, say, up to the mountains for the day - I will be in a bad mood the whole way there because I know - I just *know* I'm not going to enjoy it. I don't even give things a chance a lot of the time - I go in believing the worst, and expecting the worst to happen.

I have a hard time being around people that are having a good time, because I feel left out. If two people are having a conversation in a quiet corner, I will sit where I am sitting and assume they are over there whispering about me. And of course, it can't be anything good.

I can't speak for everyone, but in my case, it's a depression and low self-esteem problem.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Lohr, would you mind if I checked your freezer for human remains?

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Actually, Stijn, the body parts wouldn't fit in the freezer. I had to use the smokehouse. ("Ummm...." said the visitor. "I didn't know smoked hams *wore* wristwatches...")

I never ever had fun at parties. Other people know how to talk to one another, they have dates to bring or are able to meet girl humans at parties. I always feel like the point of a party is to be relaxed, be happy, and do fun things-- and perhaps especially to meet girl humans.

If you don't have a date or can't acquire one at the party, you feel left out and/or a failure.

And of course other people share interests (sports, local politics, office gossip, home/family) that are utterly alien to me.

I have Iago's probem: envy. I see people laughing and relating, people who have girls with them, and I get bitter and angry.

I have no objection to having a party focus on alcohol. At least it lowers inhibitions and removes anxiety. (Maybe a girl human will be drunk enough to come flirt)

I dislike live music intensely. Part of that is because I far prefer synth bands to "live" or "real" guitar music. The dance mix is *always* superior to a live performance-- too much human element.

And I can't *give* parties, either: I can never get the mix right of unattached, available, short-skirted girl humans and guys who (1) won't end up with them and (2) share my own arcane interests.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

I thought you wrote in another post that you have a girlfriend... and what's with the "girl humans" thing? As opposed to girl sheep? Maybe it's that attitude that repels women...

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Two things:

And of course other people share interests (sports, local politics, office gossip, home/family) that are utterly alien to me.

So what are you interested in? Do you try and form bonds with people who share your interests? The list above covers virtually all common interests from what I see ... have you never played or watched a sport, worked in an office, lived in a home or been part of a family? How can these things be alien to you?

I have Iago's probem: envy. I see people laughing and relating, people who have girls with them, and I get bitter and angry.

I feel really sorry for you - it must suck to be so bitter. Instead of throwing yourself a pity party and dwelling on it, why not try and address the issue?

And do you honestly think only people 'who have girls with them' are laughing and relating? How old are you?

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Someone mentioned depression... I didn't want to say it when I first wrote, but if you do decide to talk to someone you might also mention social anxiety. You know,on the Paxil commercials. I am by no means saying that's what is going on, but it is an option.

Or, if you are in your early 20's, and you hate these situations, it may just be that's not the type of person you are, *but* most people grow out of the party, party, party stage by about 25(?) 25 sounds about right.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

One more thing.

You can't give a party trying to manipulate the mix. You have to invite who you enjoy being around - for whatever reason. People sense the tension... some of the best parties I've had I just invite those I love to be around over to my place, sometimes they bring friends, etc... but we always have a good time because I genuinely *like* these people. You also learn more about your friends when you throw all your friends together - people have varied interests and the different friends bring up those interests...

No matter what, you can't lose yourself, which is what you sound like you are doing. Jealousy of others because they have someone to love, others having more fun, not having the right mix... that's so not supposed to be the focus. A party, whether going to or hosting, is all about you - as is everything. Focus on yourself and stop getting your validation and sense of experience based on your perceptions of others.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

I think I may have explained that I use 'girl humans' as a generic. It may go back to "Robot Monster" (a tie with 'Plan 9' for worst film ever made), where the alien robot creature (a guy in a gorilla suit and a diving helmet) says to the heroine, "I am...Ro-Man; you are...Wo-Man.") Or it may be a dig at the girl v. woman usage controversy, where I always get hammered for saying 'girl' about twentysomething female units. (For me-- I use 'girl' for any sexual attractive female; 'woman' is someone like your first-grade teacher or your mom's friends. You know, Grown-Ups. People you'd never imagine doing anything non-Grown Up.)

Let's see... I hate all sports (and the outdoors). I've never been married and my genes have never been passed along. When I was teaching at universities, I had no 'office' (in the sense of 'people at the office') to go to and didn't associate with other faculty (married, older). I'm in law school now, so I don't have a 'real' job to talk about. I've never worked in a corporate environment, or any job that the average person thinks of as a 'Real World' job. I have no interest in local politics and refuse to watch the local news or read local papers. I do not have a mortgage. I know the names of none of my neighbors, and never have in any of the cities where I've lived.

My interests... Let's see... History, travel lit, international affairs... postmodern architecture and lit... odd films... darkwave/ethereal and 80s industrial-dance music. I do not play cards, chess, or trivia games. I dislike gardens and flowers. I do not eat any non-potato vegetable; I do not eat anything with cheese or tomato. I do like Tare Panda and Pikachu. I have no ability to draw or paint. I can use a computer for websearch and e-mail, but have no understanding of anything technical or mechanical.

I have a wonderful, very bright and clever and leggy girlfriend at the moment. She means a great deal to me. However, she begins law school in Ohio next month.

But in principle, in my past-- I have been unable to meet and acquire girls at parties. This makes me very, very angry, since it implies that (1) I have no value on the market and that (2) other male humans are doing much better than I am. Having a lovely short-skirted girl with you at a party is a way of demonstrating to other males that you *do* have value, that you're neither gay nor a loser.

I don't like other humans very much, I suppose. But I want the social perks of 'having fun'-- a girl, the ability to be accepted, the ability to be part of things that will be part of cool stories for later, stories that can be used to help establish my value.

I should like to be able to blend in to some 'having fun' situation that does not involve either malicious mischief (the risk now is to ever getting into the Bar)or hanging out with other over-educated bachelors and talking about Russian lit and politics-- two things that are without the chance of ending up with a clever and hot young girl.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

I've heard this same spiel from many people--people who have no social skills and are jealous of those who do. Frankly, I think this makes about as much sense as being jealous of someone who can speak French or ride a bike. Those things, like socializing, are skills that pretty much everyone can develop, but it takes effort and practice.

I, myself, have a tendency to be painfully shy and introverted, but unfortunately, those characteristics will not get you far in life, especially if you're a woman (I think women are held to a higher standard in terms of social skills). So I worked on it. Sure, I've made a fool of myself plenty of times, but now I'm good enough at it that I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Two more things:

If you have a girlfriend now, why don't you just enjoy yourself and worry about not having a girlfriend once she's gone? Seems like a waste of time to be so negative when she's still here.

I don't like other humans very much, I suppose. But I want the social perks of 'having fun'-- a girl, the ability to be accepted, the ability to be part of things that will be part of cool stories for later, stories that can be used to help establish my value.

Why don't you like people? Why do you care to be accepted by people you don't like anyway? That to me seems odd. And what's the deal with this 'establish my value' thing? I don't get it. Having lots of friends and hanging with the cool kids will establish your value when you're 13. When you're an adult, your 'value' is based on a little more than that.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

I remember the parties in graduate school. They were where you passed or failed. They're not going to put their imprimatur on a creep who can't hold his liquor.

Shop talk sends me up the wall. One of the de Goncourts said nothing hears so much silliness as a picture in a museum. To me, the Edvard Munch painting "The Scream" is the painting's reaction to passive conversation.

I found that, in order to get through a party, I had to arrive drunk, and sometimes I got too drunk, while there, and showed my ass.

They not only weren't fun, they were extremely painful. All the phonies, the sycophants, the power-trippers, the vain.

After I quit drinking, parties where people drank weren't a lot of fun. But alcathons, with their cigarette smoke and coffee, weren't a lot of fun, either.

I like to listen to music and tell stories with friends. If they drink, fine. If they don't drink, fine. The food is good, the music is good, the stories are good, and there's always a lot of laughter.

Wakes are fun, if you loved the person who died, and everybody else did, too.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Robert Gover called a book Poor Boy at the Party.

I always thought that was a great title. Thought that the other people at the party were looking down on my cheap shoes. They're in dinner jackets and I have on a guayabera, or cabana coat, because my cousin's brother's tuxedo doesn't fit me.

My cousin's date stood her up, and I was dragooned into escorting her. How lame was my prom theme.

I never tried to pick anybody up at a party. I wouldn't know how, and never went to a party for that purpose.

I'm a happily married man, now (32 years). But even when I was single, I didn't view a date as someone who made me look good, or someone I could get over on. Who'd want to do that?

If you want to meet a woman, go on an archeological dig and see how they handle a shovel.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Does anyone else wonder if Jack and Lohr are the same person?

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

No, but I wondered for a while if Jack and Jim Valvis were the same person. Or if Jack were a character created by Jim.

I think they are all unique individuals, though, each special and precious in his own way.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Ok Lohr, I give up. "Girls" hate you, you don't like people or any of their interests (outside of their ability to spread their leggy legs), and nothing nothing that anyone suggests here is going to be of any help.

Most universities have free counseling available, as many upon many people in school (undergrads and grads) have problems with blending the separate portions of their lives together. However, I am not sure you want any help. What exactly was the purpose of you posing this forum question?

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Lohr said have a wonderful, very bright and clever and leggy girlfriend at the moment. She means a great deal to me. However, she begins law school in Ohio next month.

But in principle, in my past-- I have been unable to meet and acquire girls at parties. This makes me very, very angry, since it implies that (1) I have no value on the market and that (2) other male humans are doing much better than I am. Having a lovely short-skirted girl with you at a party is a way of demonstrating to other males that you *do* have value, that you're neither gay nor a loser.

You not a loser so much as an idiot--and a boring, self-absorbed, tiresome one at that. I suggest you consult "Maxim" magazine for advice. It caters to wankers interested in "acquiring" girls at parties.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Eureka!! That's the solution! All ya hafta do is hire a leggy girl human escort to join ya to all those parties. Then you'll be cool! All the guys will envy you! The party will stop as soon as you enter, and all eyes will focus on you! That will make your life fun won't it? Sure you'll be out a coupla bucks, but hey that's the price you'll hafta pay to be crowned king of the party scene!

Can we move on with our lives now?

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Has it occured to you, Lohr, that you could be mildly annoying your girlfriend with all the lamenting about a lack of a party escort? You *have* a girlfriend who cares for you and while the distance thing severly blows, stuff will work itself out eventually.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

'Meet and acquire girls at parties'? Acquire?

I get so-o tired sometimes ...

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

A: i still think "girl humans" is kind of a freakazoid terms

B: hey

B: don't soil the name freakazoid with "girl humans"

A: oh

A: yeah sorry

A: wackjob

A: this guy is like, the ultimate loser

B: he needs a severe beating

A: i mean, he's like every lame thought you ever had personified

A: a beating for his own good

B: hahahah

B: the realization of lameness

A: i should just post this chat transcript in that forum

B: the year 2000: scientists find a way to transmogrify lameness into a human form

A: oh man, this guy transcends known lameness and rises to a new level

A: he's like, the yogi of lameness

B: the subject escapes, however, and begins roaming the earth like david carradine's caine

B: i think he just wants online women to sleep wioth him out of pity

A: how does this guy have a girlfriend

B: which hasn't worked since the beginning of time

A: he must be making that shit up: "leggy girlfriend"

A: "acquire girls"

A: this guy is seriously messed up

B: he sounds like a ferengi

B: which probably geeks me

B: "acquire and amass girl humans"

A: man oh jeezum christmas

A: this guy doesn't just need to get beat down

A: he needs to be shot into another universe

A: one where his atoms will disperse into a fog

A: and harm no one

A: "But I want the social perks of 'having fun'-- a girl, the ability to be accepted, the ability to be part of things that will be part of cool stories for later, stories that can be used to help establish my value."

B: but he is lameness humanized

B: he cannot die

A: he's like, a rip in the fabric of non-lameness

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Party scene!
Girl human: Hi Lohr
Lohr: An acquisition! Me Tarzan, you Britney Spears
Girl human: Actually I'm an alien abductor. Want me to suck out your brains through a little hole behind your ear?
Lohr: You bet! Are you always this leggy?
Alien abductor (examine Lohr's head): Damn, someone got here before me.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

Dearest Smartchick:

You're a vur' good little pony, and if you were here I would pet you on the forehead (thump thump thump) and feed you a small cube of barley sugar.

If I could be a little sea otter, I would swim up to you and bring you the gift of a small fish.

You're vur' good to me.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

I never, ever get over anything in the past. I'm a trained historian; the past is always there for me. I never either forive or forget.

I'll keep editing and revising a draft until I manage to Get It Right.

I do want to "hang out with the cool kids". Not that I'll ever be a Grown-Up, but adults are judged by whether they're cool, too. The nominal criteria change, but the fact remains.

I have degrees and languages and skills. But I can't be valued as a male human. And that matters: being valued as a male human in the pack by the judges of male value, beautiful young girls.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

And when these beautiful young girls assign you value....then what? Will you be happy then?

(I am laughing to myself because suddenly I'm envisioning a panel of Britney Spears-types in black robes and gables, and powdered wigs.)

PS I think this is Lohr person is pulling our collective leg. This is one of the more pathetic things I've seen in awhile. Can't be real. He has this leggy girlfriend so.....she's not beautiful enough to be a "judge" of him? Or he needs many "judges"?

Maybe he truly does need professional help because a relentlessly self centered approach to life combined with a pathetic need for certain type of "human"'s approval cannot be good. Sad.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

Ulee,
Y'know, I had really thought I had escaped such unabashed, immature mockery and scorn when I got out of high school-- but thanks to you, I know it is still alive and well.
It is disconcerting to me that someone could post a concern of they have, asking for insight into it, and have the discussion devolve into a character attack. Do you get off on ridiculing others?
I have neither the strength nor desire to refute point-by-point your asinine discussion, but I thought I should point out a few noteworthy things:
One, your "yogi of lameness" (I especially liked that one) is probably one of the most intelligent and clever persons you would ever have the privilege of knowing. Two, his girlfriend does exist. Lastly, don't ever wish harm or misfortune on to him or anyone else; it will come around full circle.

P.S. The charming repetitious use of "like" really added to the strength of your arguement.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

Smartchick is vur' wonderful, which is why I always found her to be my favorite little pony.

And Britney Spears is *not* repeat *not* attractive (too short, too heavy, bad legs). Angelina Jolie in robes (nothing underneath) and powdered wigs would be brilliant, though.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

Folding up my lawn chair, downing the last sip of beer, shaking the dust of this thread off my feet. Oh, yeah -- Smartchick and Lohr, get a room. (Geeez).

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

"unabashed, immature mockery and scorn"... hmm. Mockery and scorn seem to be appropriate responses to unabashed, immature objectification of women, don't you think? Or do you like being "acquired" and only judged on attributes such as "legginess" and "hotness". Judicious use of mockery, to the humour-disabled like yourself, may seem like immaturity, but trust that it's a much less harmful immaturity than what Lohr has demonstrated time and again in forum after forum.

I fervently wish that you wake the hell up.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

The lovely Smartchick is valued both for her legs and her clever wit... and she knows that i value her for having an arachnology degree, which is cool, and value her tastes in books and chinese food and ideas. She is my vur' favorite sexual object.

And I would pet her forehead (thump thump thump).

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

Smartchick, I hope you are enjoying all your sugar cubes, head-pats and dead fish. Hee hee. This guy's a prince!

It would seem to be a fine match except he's craving Angelina Jolie in a powdered wig....(glad I could help with that image, Lohr! Enjoy!)

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000

Lohr, do you just utterly and completely lack the basic capability to see yourself as others see you? That's the only explaination I can give for your attitude and behaviour; it's definitely more than a lack of sensitivity.

And I'm not sure which is more laughable: Lohr saying ignorant things in desperate attempts at pity and sympathy, smartchick backing him up and refusing to see the patheticness that she's being quickly consumed by, or me wasting seven minutes of my rapidly vanishing life by responding to this?

It's a tossup, but Lohr wins by default, being a rip in the fabric of non-lameness and all.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2000

Some of you have been awfully hard on Lohr. Don't you people realize that there are some people who just can't change by wishing they could and snapping their fingers?

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2000

It doesn't seem that he wants to change, though -- it seems he's revelling in his obnoxiousness.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2000

I agree with Mary Ellen, Lohr doesn't sound like he wants to change at all. In fact, it sounds to me like he wants everyone else to change!

He complains about not having a harem of "leggy" young women, but he refuses to change his behavior in even the most basic of ways in order to appease them--he insists on referring to women as "girls" and "girl humans" even though he is fully aware that many women find these terms disrespectful and insulting.

Lohr's original post here was not a plea for advice, but rather a plea for sympathy. I'm genuinely sorry if he is truly going through life in constant misery, but that doesn't justify the lack of regard for others he's shown in his posts here and elsewhere.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2000

No one can change by snapping their fingers. Duh. It takes effort.

Cognitive therapy has recently been proven almost as effective a treatment for mood disorders as drug therapy. However, the responsibility for effective change lies with the individual. It takes time and vigilance to retrain negative thought patterns, but it works. Dwelling on your negative thoughts as if it were an interesting intellectual exercise is only compounding the problem. It just isn't interesting and there are much better ways to use your intellect. It's not as if you are the only person who has ever thought these things...almost everyone has. Social status bullshit may always exist, but you don't have to acknowledge it. In fact, 'cool' people rarely do.

What your interests are is irrelevant. Having an interest in relating to other people is the only requirement for being interesting. My boyfriend is able to get a whole drunken party talking about Visigoths, for instance. It works because he is not interested in showing off his knowledge, but because he is interested in fun conversations of any sort.

Personality disorders are much harder to treat. Narcissism, for instance. Judging the whole world only in relation to your imagined position in it is pretty narcissistic. Most of the world doesn't give a flying fuck how long your dates' legs are. In fact, most of the world only cares about how fast you kill their buzz.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2000

Well said, Angie.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2000

I see it has been a year since anyone has contributed an answer, but I wonder if anyone would see this...

Being diagnosed with anhedonia, myself-

The ability to walk through life only doing and not experiencing feelings, has caught up with me. I am 27 years old, and feel "finished" the minute a task is done. My days are worthy only if I have a momentous task to conquer;and I grade myself on my effort. These tasks are always FOR someone else. to make someone else 'happy'... I have given freely, everything I own away recently. I spent $300 to give away everything I owned... it had filled an 8 bedroom home. I never ask for money for myself, and pretty much live out of libraries, book stores and trash cans. My shrink had to point all of that out for me, for me to realize that. I am perfectly "happy" about living this way, if you ask me... but I don't really know if I could explain what 'happy' feels like. I have just gotten divorced for the second time, because my husband(s) couldn't stand me 'not loving them'. I have never really 'got' the idea of sex... The last man I was with, beat me to near inches of my life, trying to provoke a reaction, any reaction.

I can see all of that now, that it has been pointed out to me...

I "feel bad" about it.

My therapist says 'bad' isn't a feeling.

I watch other people when I do go out, but rarely I go out. It is safer to be alone, than to hurt others by making a friend. I spend a large amount of time doing things for my family, and they have had me committed, all of them, at one time or another. Everyone says I'm "nice" and my resume' is far greater than any of my high school class mates. I excel at everything, and I always have. I simply cannot tolerate being 'bad'...

I have been called a "spoiled little rich girl".

My 3 children all act like little adults now, and I push them to play like other children, and watch t.v. and do "kid" things. My family shames me for not disciplining the children more, and others applaud me for their good manners and excellent grades.

It's all an act. Can I claim THAT as a feeling? I feel like life is an act, and inside there is no opinion. No favorite color. No friend. No confidant. No lover that can understand, no children that can see through it. No brothers or sisters that think it's anything but 'pouting', and strangers seem to think I'm 'aloof' or 'stuck up'.

I am NOT whining- just giving a glimpse to maybe someone who knows someone who acts like me. It is a very difficult life to manage: a life with no pleasure...

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2001

Lohr, dude, if you think Britney Spears is heavy then perhaps the reason "beautiful, young girls" don't value you is because they instinctively know that you don't value them because they do not have the dimensions of a Barbie doll.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2001

Shh. Lohr's been gone for a while now, and we don't want to encourage him to come back.

Hey, he wasn't in Washington D.C. a few months ago, was he?

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2001