This week I suffered a major setback in an area in which I thought I was doing well. Up until this week, I felt confident that I was making progress, but now it feels like all my effort was for nothing. I feel truly defeated and my self-confidence, body image, belief in my intelligence, everything is shot. Have you ever felt like it's all worthless, and wanted to give in? What kept you going?

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Answers

Sorry to hear that, lilipili.

There have been times when the only thing that kept me going (besides my faith, which is always something I turn to) is the knowledge that I have a very full and blessed life, with many more opportunities and advantages than most of the people on this planet. It sounds awful, but looking at how people who survive in areas of natural disaster, political chaos and war-torn horror is enough to give me a kick in the ass and realise just how good I've got it, and that my problems only make my life as unbearable as I allow them to.

Also, when I was younger I had a very hard time at home, and suffered from depression and suicidal feelings from a very young age. Consequently, I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and turned to self-abuse. Things did get better as I got older, but it was only when I moved away from the main source of my aggro that things really shaped up. That, and my husband flat-out refuses to tell me it's okay to feel sorry for myself and okay to spend days at a time crying. I was recently kind of inconsolable with worry over my brother, and cried a lot. I felt like my husband should have told me it was okay to do that, instead of telling me that my behaviour was only hurting me and helping no one. But he was right, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I've been much happier and have hardly cried since I've known him. Sometimes you've just got to suck it up and work on the problem at hand, instead of indulging your grief too much. A little bit of crying can release tension and help, but making a habit of it makes it harder to get out of that cycle of behaviour, I've found.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

I set myself goals I can accomplish on a daily basis. Currently, I'm trying to get through the days without falling down, breaking anything, or losing my temper. I can usually manage that. When something goes sour, I have my mantra, "I'm just getting through the days..." Long-term, this is probably not a healthy way to live--the only things that matter are the three goals, and everything else in my life can go to total hell, but so long as I meet my goals, that's a good day. I realize I have more good days than bad, and I don't even notice most days when I meet my goals, but it's handy to have a fallback pessimistic attitude--"It could be worse. I could have been in a car accident, or slipped and fell, or blown my stack completely."

Whatever gets me through the days.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Yep, been around that block more than once. In the past few years, I have had personal and professional kicks in the teeth that left me devastated. Two years ago, I was in a very bad place.

I guess what pulled me out of the slump was pride. During even the worst of it, I put on a "brave face" to the world, because I didn't want anyone to know how badly I was hurting. I don't like looking weak. No one knew how bad things were, except a few close family members; the only outward appearance was a weight gain. After faking it for the world (a couple of people went out of their way to tell me how impressed they were with how I'd handled things), I started to believe it. I started *feeling* strong, instead of just *acting* the part.

Then I kicked my sorry butt back into shape and that helped even more with my self-image and confidence.

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through a bad time, lilipili. Just know that that things will get better, no matter how bleak it looks now. We're rooting for you.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

All of your answers are very serious, so please don't think I am being flip. I swear to god (or whomever) that the comedian Eddie Izzard gets me through the bad times. I know it's difficult to find his performances here in the US, but if you have one groovy bone in your body (and you must or you wouldn't be on Gwen's forum) you must find out about this guy. If you see him, reserve judgement for 10 minutes (because his makeup can really throw people) and watch his act. Having met him, he's kind, brilliant, creative, and lives his life in an inspiring way. And he's damn funny! He puts his neck on the line daily for what he believes, which really get's me out of the dumps.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

When I'm really feeling frustrated or angry, there's two books I usually turn to. One is Gabrielle Burton's "Heartbreak Hotel", and the other is Italo Calvino's "Invisible Cities." The first makes me feel like all women have been through whatever is frustrating me at the moment, and the second just is so surreal and calming that I'm able to put the real world in the back seat for awhile.

Back when I had a really crummy, depressing job, I totally got hooked on watching the "Prime Suspect" mystery series on TV. It always made me feel better that someone took more on-the-job crap than me.

Oh, and if I'm PO'd at my husband, I usually end up with my volume of "Sylvia" comic strips.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

The answers are "yes" and "I'm not sure". Maybe stubbornness or Scarlett O'Hara syndrome (i.e, 'I'll think about that TOMORROW, tomorrow is another day').

Lilipili, I don't have any sage advice at the moment, but I'm sorry you're have a rough go of things right now. *hug*

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Talk. We've all been there, when things are so unimaginably down, and what got me through my hardest times is talking. To my friends, for support mostly, maybe even advice. But even more to myself. Don't think I'm crazy, but talking out loud to myself helped me sort things out more clearly and even if I couldn't fix my situation, atleast I could understand it and cope.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2000

Thank you all so much for your support. Well, after five days of moping I decided I just had to "get back on the horse" and keep going. In the past couple of days I've joined a theatre group, cleaned my room, re-organised my computer files and gone for three hikes in the nearby mountains. I won't let this destroy me. I hope this thread continues, though, so that anyone who feels down can use it as a reference. Thanks again!

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2000

Good show, lilipili! Remember the way you bounced back the next time you feel like chucking it all.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Rock on, Lilipili!

I don't really have any good advice for this topic. Um... "sunlight". There.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Sunlight works! It stimulates the production of melatonin, which is a precursor to serotonin, and when you don't have enough serotonin you get depressed. That's why there are so many suicides way far north where it is dark all winter.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

What about sunless tanning lotions, though?

Hee hee. Just kidding!

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000