Err, now that Euphoria 2000 is over and the fiasco of choosing the venue for the next WC is finished (mind why there was so much hullaballoo over where to site a toilet I don't quite understand) we can start to focus on the Domestos league again. I thought I would start with a few words about the transfer dealings at Newcastle United Football Club.

I know a lot of you are wondering what's been going on and you're not alone. I'm right with you on this one. Mind you, we had a close shave. We nearly bought that Portugese chap from Shalke. It all happened last Tuesday. Me and the wife were a bit low on cash after getting a new stairlift installed in the bungalow and I phoned the Chairman and said "Can you get me pension". Well, it was only when he phoned back half an hour later and asked whether it was Emile or his brother that I realised what was going on. Can you imagine anybody getting mixed up like that? We wouldn't have been able to go to bingo if I hadn't got me pension.

Many of you will have read the shenanigans about Little Kevin and his video and other stuff. Well I can tell you I was not very happy and I phoned him to tell him what I thought about him. Now I don't want you to get the wrong impression about Newcastle United Football Club. Despite what you might have read in the gutter they are a caring lot. A lot of people my age have these monitors in their homes and the Chairman thought it would be a grand idea if we had one put in. Well I've had a few teething problems but I remembered I'd left them in a jar in the bathroom. It must have been that call to young Dyer that they heard. I remember (yes, I do really) telling him to behave himself and not to do it again. "If you get caught there'll be no chance for marriage" I shouted.

No doubt you will know that we have signed a young striker from Wimbledon. It's not quite what many expected but the Chairman thought it was what I wanted. I think the lad shows promise and will fit in well with Alan Shearer.

It's not all about buying players. We have to balance the books and at my age I have enough trouble balancing myself without worrying about books so I am trying to get rid of some of the dross. We have hatched a cunning stunt and have high hopes of something happening very soon. We've tipped off one of the north London clubs about the French substitute who scored the equaliser in the final and have put together a deal for Sivio Wor-turd. Now as soon as I can find David Pleat's telephone number I think the deal will be done.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000