Fit like fellow bbs`ers, The Buff has just returned from a brilliant 5 day break in Perthshire, weather superb, #89 for 5 nights DBB incl Highland Banquet, when it comes together as good as that there is no better place in the world and I have been to a few. Started last Sunday at Perth Races, held my own !!(at my time of life thats all that`s to it), motored across to Aberfeldy for the Sunday, shared a table with a couple from Amble at dinner,why do my fellow Geordies always insist on calling me Billy?, probably been up here too long. June and myself then had a good session with another couple (drink) and my first test came Moanday after breakfast, not in Geordies league but with my jam tart, and in the middle of a gout management course, walking the Birk`s of Aberfeldy represented a major challenge to me, struggled a wee bit on reaching the waterfalls but thanks to Wor Lass who pushed up the hintend and carried the backpack for a spell I made it. To the more discerning reader like Gav, on reflection there appears to be a lot of innuendos in this piece, trust me they are not intentional. Another pinnacle reached on Tuesday when I was able to complete 18 holes for the first time this year, and with it the added bonus of a good card. Wednesday, back down to Perth to meet my daughter and wee grandson off the Aberdeen train to spend a enjoyable day at Scone Palace, followed by a delightful meal in what I would rate the most "Baby/Child Friendly" restuarant I have been in, Its part of the "Littlejohns" group, must be one in the toon for future reference Softie!. Thursday, quick 9 holes and then up to Dench and Connelly country at Queens View, something else or am I easy pleased. Visit to rip-off Pitlochry pm then back to the Hotel for the Highland Banquet at 6.30 pm. And then the wheels came off, been a good lad all week but Buff being Buff it had to happen, arriving back in the hotel gasping for a pint at 4pm I got newsing to the entertainer for the night, Billy Marshall from Coatbridge, a right blether, 64 but looks younger, then I remembered him from the Richard and Judy show three weeks earlier where he represented Scotland and won the Eric Morcambe Award for acts over 60 years of age, just a 2 minute spot, bit of the your on and then hooked off things so he was curtailed in his reportoire,pipes then accordian and into the Joseph Locke number from The White Horse. Final is in Southport in 2 weeks and he is bricking himself, we talked about Newcastle, played the old Empire many times, great stories about Club Latino in South Shields, Fond memories of the"Little Waster" Bobby Thompson who he considered a regional genius and also Bobby Pattinson, After dinner Billy gave us a superb night, everything from jigs to the haunting Dark Island on the box, Oh Solo Mio to Irish gags but best of all we did not get Auld Lang Syne at the finish, for June and myself he went into Blaydon Races, a fitting end to a great week. (Boring Old Fart mutters Gav). Right then you sods, liked Galaxys celeb thread, not moving down there, list of my name droppers rated as in "Chewing the Fat" 1. John Wayne, The Duke, Marion Morrision, Nassau. Good Guy. 2. Phil the Greek, Dook of Reekie, Malta 1960 Wank 3. Colin Milburn,Tony Locke, Wally Grout, Brisbane Good Guys 4. Rita Tushingham, somewhere at a party in Polperro Wank 5. Nick Faldo, The Open at Troon. year forgot Wank 6. Jimmy Saville, Marine Commando Training, Devon Good Guy 7. The then Bishop of Bath and Wells, 1968 Good Guy 8. Gene Tunney ex -heavyweight champ of the world Good Guy 9. Lead Singer AC/DC, Brian______?Bay Horse Whickham Good Guy. 10. Mike Neville, regular, is he still around? Good Guy. 11. Lionel Bart, famous for _____and other things Wank 12. Bobby Robsons father, okay and YBR was there Good Guys 13. Jackie Toaduff ex world champion clog dancer agh Good Guy 14, His mate Roland, double act, Borneo 1967 Wank 15. Softie, Dr Bill, Jonno, Mungo, Macbeth, Screach Good Guys 16. Min, Bobby, Rik. PA, Stevo, Gibbo, TFFKAP Good Guys 17. Steph, Susy,Alston Girlie, Wor Lass, Me Muther Good Gals 18. Gavin Herron Esq, had to phone a friend here Wank 19. Footballers too many to mention, say Gazza Good Guy 20, The worlds leading painter in egg tempera !!! Wank

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Answers

What a brilliant week :-)

Lead singer of AC/DC is Brian Johnson: not had the pleasure yet, but he's burst my eardrums a few times, most memorably in Perth when I caught their first return gig since Bon Scott's death. Brilliant show!

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Sounds like a top week Buff - glad the jam tart is behaving itself.
Just for reference which hotel did you stay at? Presumably you would recommend it. I love that area - great golf country. Have you played at Blairgowrie? Smashing course.
Gleneagles, of course, is the dogs knacks, but I believe you have to stay at the hotel these days to be able to play a round. I played both the Kings and Queens in one day a long time ago - even played canny golf if my memory is accurate.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Clarky, You do not need to stay at the hotel tp play Gleneagles these days, you do need however #120 to play a round, that would putt !! me off for a start. I played Aberfeldy , pleasant parkland course that crosses the Tay, (#15) and stayed in the Breadalbane Hotel, seen better, if the room is clean. the beds are comfortable, the service is good and the food is fine, that does me and my pocket. Its sister hotel is the Star at Kingussie, 60 miles north, same deals, so I hope to get up in six weeks time for a week. I would recomend having walked part of the course Taymouth Castle Golf Course, Kennmore, Perthshire, tel 01887-830765, its 6 miles from Aberfeldy and really beautiful, holiday cottages on the course, free golf, do not know price., yardage 6066., sure that was #18 per round. The Yanks come over in two weeks, plenty buggies availible, they must take up Moness Timeshare, choppers etc down to the Open. Suggest Golf in Scotland, dogpile/yahoo, lists the lot.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Sounds like a great time Buff. Your reference to Taymouth Castle GC reminds me that I played there over 30 years ago when me Ma & Pa used to visit the area regularly for hols. Can't remember much about the place except there are some big hills (well, that might all be relative - I was only a little lad you understand!). I seem to remember I didn't break 100, but as I never had (nor have very often) that's not surprising. Stayed at Gleneagles on a conf once. Played the Queens (I think - on the left going up the drive). Nice memories - thanks Buff.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Hello Buff, good to talk to you again. Sounds like a cracking 5 days, except the only thing that would have spoilt it for me would be having to play the golf. You know what they say, you either love it or hate it and I'm in the latter category I'm afraid. (Didn't somebody once say ''it spoils a good walk'')?

p.s. Who's this Bill Callaghan fella? (Try just putting 'BUFF' where it says 'your full name').

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Thanks Buff.
#120 for a round of golf? Are you sure that doesn't include DBB at the hotel plus female companionship?
Golf is becoming obscenely expensive, and gone are the days when Joe Public can live out his fantasies on the famous courses - The Old Course, Gleneagles, Turnberry, etc - short of taking out a mortgage, that is.
Curiously, I've also walked a few of the holes at Taymouth Castle while visiting the area. I read a book written by some celeb about his favourite courses and Taymouth Castle was right up there.
You should try Blairgowrie if you haven't played there.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Oops!

Excuse me chaps, I was trying to log onto the Newcastle United BBS and found this golf site by mistake.

;o))

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Pilgrim,
I say old chap...

Fore!

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Sorry Clarky,

I'm a keen armchair fan of golf but have never played anything more ambitious than pitch and putt at Heaton Park (Manchester). It's still a mystery to me how anyone can swing a club behind their head and then hit a little ball on the ground!

I remember one funny incident from my last round at HP. There's one hole that is over a hill and the direction is indicated by a pole on the hill. Being totally cr@p I mishit the ball which rolled down the hill I was standing on, up the other side and over the hill. My mate played the most beautiful chip shot, hit the pole, and the ball ended up back at his feet. To add insult to injury my ball had landed about 10 feet from the hole (I probably still 3 putted)!

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

No probs Pilgrim - no offence taken at all

Funnily enough actually started playing golf on the par 3 course in Heaton Park, during my 4 year sojourn in Manchester as a student at UMIST. I took up the game when injury precluded me from qualifying for the England U-23's (as it was in those far off days!) - at least that's my story.

I actually saw one of the funniest things ever on the proper golf course also in Heaton Park- to which I ultimately aspired.

It was beautiful barmy late Sunday afternoon, and me and wor lass (we actually got married half way through my course, and thereby ensured I got a Degree and not liver cirrhosis!) had gone for a leisurely walk in the adjacent Park. We noticed a lone player teeing up to hit his drive over a pond and ideally onto the fairway on the other side. It was an intimidating drive, but not particularly long - perhaps 160yds. We sat on a bench to watch him.
Anyway this guy gets set, takes a couple of practice swings - as you do - and hits his ball in a lazy arc into the middle of the pond.
He reaches into his bag, unwraps a brand new ball, puts it on the tee, and with an obvious irritation makes a couple of brisk practice swishes, steps forward and ..... same lazy arc, same end result.
He stands for a few seconds looking incredulous, still alone with his increasingy agitated thoughts. He bends over again, takes another brand new Dunlop65 (yes, I know!) out of its wrapper and places it on the tee. This time his practice swing is distinctly longer, and faster - he's definitely agitated at this point. The club comes back, and swoosh...the balls loops up, and up and up, maybe 160 yds in the air, but comes back down and plops right into the middle of the pond!
Expecting rage, we were rather surprised to see our star calmly pick up his tee, place it back into his little tee-holder dangling from the bag, replace his driver in its place, pick up the golf bag, advance 20 yds towards the pond - and proceed to hurl the bag, clubs and all, right into the middle of the pond, turn smartly and walk very slowly away ... into the setting sun.

I've often felt like doing likewise, but haven't done it - yet; however, I can still vividly picture the scene and it makes me smile even today.

I've often wondered what he did when he got home: whether wife or children were beaten senseless, whether the cat was beheaded, or whether he simply stopped at the local tavern and drank himself into his grave.

BTW, it isn't a "pole" its a flag-stick!

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Cracking story!

Is that where you got your second set of clubs?

Flag-stick - Schmag-stick! It was a pole painted in red and white stripes (yeah, I know) - don't go getting all technical on me! :o))

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Clarky - when were you at UMIST? I was there 69-72. What course? Mine was Computation.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Talking of ponds on Golf Courses. I was accompanying a mate of mine round a pitch and putt in Tooting ( I can't say playing cos that can't describe my hacking well enough) when we reached the 9th. A drive of 170 yards over a pond His first drive appeared to go in the water. So he took another. This one sailed at a low trajectory towards the pond hit the middle of the pond and skipped off the water and onto the Green. It was just like that film where they drop that bomb on a dam can't remember the name:-)

Any idea how this could happen and before you ask there are no rocks or other obstructions in the pond

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2000

I shall be offended and sulk in the corner.....

I quite liked you as well you old fart! ;)

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2000

Bake, Low trajectory will skim the ball over as devised by Barnes Wallis and executed by Richard Todd in the Dambusters, Skimming pebbles ower water and counting the bounces , prize money, one woodbine was a regional sport in Gods country, bloody pooter age, do you young uns not get oot to enjoy yousels anymore.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2000

Phew, Gav took you a long time to find it, starting to get worried that I had offended you in a critical stage of your life and career, on reflection, Gav = Good Guy, LR = wank, Gonna nae dae that, Chew the Fat man!!!!!Buff good guy, sooper kev wank

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2000

Sorry I left my thick skin on today......

The one that I soak in alcohol for the whole weekend ;))

I've actually been working today.....not that any of you will actually believe me :))) and why should you when i've spent so much time on here over the last few years :))

Glad you had a top weekend as well Buff!! mine was excellent also :))

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2000