Dedicated to flora and Bingo...

Spanish Inquisition

The cast:

MAN

Graham Chapman

WOMAN

Carol Cleveland

CARDINAL XIMINEZ

Michael Palin

CARDINAL BIGGLES

Terry Jones

CARDINAL FANG

Terry Gillam

The sketch:

Man: Trouble at mill.

Woman: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Woman: Pardon?

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Woman: I don't understand what you're saying.

Man: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.

Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

Man: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang)

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals burst in)

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Biggles: What?

Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that... (Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter)

Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....

Ximinez: Expects...

Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...

Ximinez: Inquisition.

Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -

Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...

Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Ximinez: Surprise...

Biggles: Surprise and --

Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew!

Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'

Biggles: That's enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?

Woman: We're innocent.

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)

Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?

Woman: Innocent.

Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Biggles: I....

Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Biggles: I...

Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Biggles: Shall I...?

Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)

Photos of Uncle Ted/Spanish Inquisition

The cast:

DEAR OLD LADY

Marjorie Wilde

YOUNG LADY

Carol Cleveland

VOICE OVER

John Cleese

CARDINAL XIMINEZ

Michael Palin

CARDINAL BIGGLES

Terry Jones

CARDINAL FANG

Terry Gillam

The sketch:

(Cut to snapshot of same still which is being held by a dear old lady. Pull out to reveal she is sitting with a large photo album on her knees, lovingly extracting photos from the pile on top of the album and passing them to her friend sitting on the same settee. Her friend is a young ladyy, who tears up the photos as they are handed to her. The dear old lady is in a world of her own and does not notice.)

Dear Old Lady: This is Uncle Ted in front of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of the house, but you can see the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house, but you can still see the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the side to the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed. (Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.)

Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(Jarring chord The door flies open and Ximinez, Biggles and Fang enter.)

Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

(Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.)

Voice Over: (and caption on screen) 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF RELIGIOUS UNORTHODOXY, THE POPE GAVE CARDINAL XIMINEZ OF SPAIN LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND TORTURE THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS THE SPANISH INQUISITION . . .'

(Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging Jbotsteps. Shadows on the Grille. The Jbotsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Ximinez walks in and looks round approvingly. Fang and Biggles enter behind pushing in the dear old lady. They chain her to the wall.)

Ximinez: Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?

Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

(JARRING CHORD - Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)

Biggles: Here they are, lord.

Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)

Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!

Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Biggles: Yes, lord.

Ximinez: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Fang's horrified face)

Fang: (terrified) The...Comfy Chair?

(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)

Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! (They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)

Ximinez: (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is?

Biggles: Yes, lord.

Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!

Biggles: I confess!

Ximinez: Not you!

-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), July 01, 2000

Answers

...ni!!!...

-- zoobie (zoobiezoob@yahoo.com), July 01, 2000.

Oh, eve, I was hoping you'd post this one.....it's probably my favorite!!

(Along with The Knights Who Say "Ni!!")

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), July 01, 2000.

Evenin' Patricia and zoobie. Well, by popular request...

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Scene 13: The Knights of Ni

[spooky music]

[music stops]

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI: Ni!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR: Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!

RANDOM: Ni!

ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!

HEAD KNIGHT: The same!

BEDEVERE: Who are they?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!

RANDOM: Neee-wom!

ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.

ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

HEAD KNIGHT: Ni!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...

ARTHUR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!

HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: A what?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR and PARTY: Ow! Oh!

ARTHUR: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.

ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

ARTHUR: Of course.

HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

ARTHUR: Yes.

HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go!

-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), July 01, 2000.

Where is Roger...

...You know...

Roger, the Shrubber.

-- The Tall Man (mortuary@phantasm.moc), July 02, 2000.