The setting: Thunderdome.

The scenario: in an attempt to rescue them, Mary Jane follows a little boy and girl throwing lit dynamite at each other into the Addams mansion. She becomes lost, wanders into Morticia's green house, where she's been captured by a giant Venus Fly Trap, and is slowly being digested.

Mary Jane's husband, Spider-Man, tracks her to the Addams estate. But before they allow him to rescue her, he must agree to single combat, without his web-shooters, in Thunderdome, a giant dome-shaped cage, lined with swords, spiked maces, and a chainsaw, and special harnesses that will allow Gomez to navigate the cage acrobatically. If Spider-Man wins, he's free to take his wife and leave. If he loses... Ha HA!

Two will go in, but which one will walk out? (BTW: I'm picturing John Astin as the Gomez for this fight. I like the faster pace of the TV show.)

-- Anonymous, June 30, 2000

Answers

Well, I don't know from his fighting technique, but Gomez is one sexy bitch. He gets my vote.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2000

It depends on the medium.
If the story is being told in a comic book, none of Gomez's charm would be shown; he'd just be this really creepy guy in a creepy house. After a tremendous struggle, Spider-Man would win.
If it were on TV, Spider-Man would be a humorless interloper that Gomez would easily finish off.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Humorless? Spiderman? No way! He's witty and urbane! In fact, I think the showdown should be between Gomez's pun stylings and Spiderman's pithy bon mots. With a few acrobatics thrown in, eh?

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Pfffft. One word of French from ol' Go-Baby, and Spiderman would be begging him to rough him up a little, wife completely forgotten.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Hey, just coz Spidey wears flashy-colored spandex, that doesn't mean he's gay. Right, Mike?

Oh, but you're saying Gomez would convert him, right? Hmm.

I always preferred Lurch, myself.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

...sort of gives Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man an ominous meaning, doesn't it? Spider-sense. Tingling. Probably not a good thing to hear with disco-porno music playing in the background. But I recall that it was Morticia that drove Gomez horny by speaking French...

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

I maintain that Spiderman and Dr. Doom or whoever were in love. Mary-Jane was just a beard.

Oh, yeah -- Morticia was hot, too.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

D'oh! Mike, you are right, it was Morticia. I stand corrected.

Mmmmmm, Morticia.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000