ARE YOU EMILE HESKEY ?? - The Quiz. . . .

1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly chip the ball over his head into the empty net.

b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and walk the ball confidently into the goal.

c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the ref will give you the most unlikely penalty ever **cking awarded.

2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.

b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.

c) Would you **ck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.

b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.

c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the **cking head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.

b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.

c) "Run"? What the **ck is that? You mean **cking waddle along like a big fat sack of shit on a skateboard....then fall off with ten metres to go and the clock at four minutes fifty-six.

5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.

b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.

c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from Watford. You useless bucket of arse.

6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.

b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.

c) **ck all. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed c**t. You're not running for no **cking ball, you're not. And why the **ck should you? Thirty grand a week? Let some other **cker run for what they're paying you. You might strain a **cking bootlace with all that effort.

7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.

b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.

c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, a pulled bank balance and an ego-strain. You fat piece of shit.

8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking appearance.

b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.

c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was a great big fat useless twat who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.

9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to your new club?

a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.

b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in history.

c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because of your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage. You fat unbalanced clumsy great big **ck.

10. What do you look like in a Liverpool football shirt?

a) Majestic, like you were born to wear it.

b) Ordinary, but once you get on that pitch there's no stopping you as you give your all for the cause.

c) Like a giant **cking turd that's been left out in the sun too long. And you're about as mobile as well. Oh, I tell a lie - turds do move when they start to decompose. It's a very slow process, but it's still quicker than you, you immobile tub of washed up dolphin shit.

ANSWERS:

Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.

Mainly b: Neither are you.

Mainly c: Well done, Emile, and welcome to Liverpool Football Club.

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Answers

favourite player then Gav?

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Someone sent it to me so I thought I'd share it :))

And no he isn't my favourite player....even Scouse friends of mine are slagging off his diving antics....

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Diving? that's disgraceful!! It's a mugs game eh? ;-)) Just you waite Gav, soon as those Pen's start popping up it'll be all quiet down the kop end. Mind you your scouser mates could easily be blues I guess.Anyhow, there bound to make to us laugh eh?? Them scallies, heh heh, the wit, kills me everytime.....

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000