Match Number 1

7 February 1998, West Ham at SJP, we lost 1-0 to a Lazaridis strike. For God's sake! We're on our third season of this and we haven't had 'Howay 5-0' but it's the third time we've had to remember this minging display...still, it was a good goal.

Points Given 1 Griffin 2 Tomasson 1 (sub) Peacock 2 Pearce 2 Pistone 2 Batty 1 (booked) Lee 2 Speed 2 Gillespie 2 Andersson 2 Shearer 2

Results: Match 1

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Athletico Backworth	2-2	MinesaS&N Academicals
Barton's Samba	0-5	Pilgrim's Converts
Beardo United	3-1	Proper Lard Unathletic
Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	1-2	Steph's Superstars
Brewery Droopers United	3-1	Toon Goons
Dabizas Pleazas	2-1	Wallsend Old Boys
Duncan's Disorderlies	0-1	Woodstock County
MacBeth's Marauders	2-2	Yelli's Yobs

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Baxter Basics	2-1	Jessie's High Pants
Blaydon Racers	2-1	Pete's Porkie Pies
Carlisle United Revisited	1-1	Quantum Mechanicals
Chevy's Choppers	2-2	Real Zaragossy
Corinthian Smart-Casuals	2-1	Screacher's Creatures
Dudley Boys	4-0	Spayne
Howdon Harriers	6-0	The Gallowgate
ITK Heaton World Beaters	2-5	The Stellar Warriors

BBS Notionless League Division 2

Bewildered De Builders	3-3	Real Seghill
Ceptic	4-0	Sexy Boys
Doomed United	1-3	Shilbottle WMC
Douglas All Boys (B) Team	1-0	SS Enterprise
FC Forget-Me-Nots	6-0	Superstitious FC
FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	2-1	The Entertainers
Gallowgateaserai	3-2	Toon Gutter Snipes
Preston Big End	3-1	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles

BBS Premier Corinthian League Table

Position	Team	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Pilgrim's Converts	1	0	0	5	0	5	3
2	Beardo United	1	0	0	3	1	2	3
3	Brewery Droopers United	1	0	0	3	1	2	3
4	Dabizas Pleazas	1	0	0	2	1	1	3
5	Steph's Superstars	1	0	0	2	1	1	3
6	Woodstock County	1	0	0	1	0	1	3
7	Athletico Backworth	0	1	0	2	2	0	1
8	MinesaS&N Academicals	0	1	0	2	2	0	1
9	MacBeth's Marauders	0	1	0	2	2	0	1
10	Yelli's Yobs	0	1	0	2	2	0	1
11	Duncan's Disorderlies	0	0	1	0	1	0	0
12	Wallsend Old Boys	0	0	1	1	2	-1	0
13	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	0	0	1	1	2	-1	0
14	Proper Lard Unathletic	0	0	1	1	3	-2	0
15	Toon Goons	0	0	1	1	3	-2	0
16	Barton's Samba	0	0	1	0	5	-5	0

BBS Notionless League Division 1 Table

Position	Team	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Howdon Harriers	1	0	0	6	0	6	3
2	Dudley Boys	1	0	0	4	0	4	3
3	The Stellar Warriors	1	0	0	5	2	3	3
4	Blaydon Racers	1	0	0	2	1	1	3
5	Baxter Basics	1	0	0	2	1	1	3
6	Corinthian Smart-Casuals	1	0	0	2	1	1	3
7	Real Zaragossy	0	1	0	2	2	0	1
8	Chevy's Choppers	0	1	0	2	2	0	1
9	Carlisle United Revisited	0	1	0	1	1	0	1
10	Quantum Mechanicals	0	1	0	1	1	0	1
11	Jessie's High Pants	0	0	1	1	2	-1	0
12	Pete's Porkie Pies	0	0	1	1	2	-1	0
13	Screacher's Creatures	0	0	1	1	2	-1	0
14	ITK Heaton World Beaters	0	0	1	2	5	-3	0
15	Spayne	0	0	1	0	4	-4	0
16	The Gallowgate	0	0	1	0	6	-6	0

BBS Notionless League Division 2 Table

Position	Team	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	FC Forget-Me-Nots	1	0	0	6	0	6	3
2	Ceptic	1	0	0	4	0	4	3
3	Shilbottle WMC	1	0	0	3	1	2	3
4	Preston Big End	1	0	0	3	1	2	3
5	Gallowgateaserai	1	0	0	3	2	1	3
6	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	1	0	0	2	1	1	3
7	Douglas All Boys (B) Team	1	0	0	1	0	1	3
8	Real Seghill	0	1	0	3	3	0	1
9	Bewildered De Builders	0	1	0	3	3	0	1
10	Toon Gutter Snipes	0	0	1	2	3	-1	0
11	The Entertainers	0	0	1	1	2	-1	0
12	SS Enterprise	0	0	1	0	1	-1	0
13	Doomed United	0	0	1	1	3	-2	0
14	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	0	0	1	1	3	-2	0
15	Sexy Boys	0	0	1	0	4	-4	0
16	Superstitious FC	0	0	1	0	6	-6	0

Fixtures: Match 2

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Pilgrim's Converts	Vs	Athletico Backworth
Proper Lard Unathletic	Vs	Barton's Samba
Steph's Superstars	Vs	Beardo United
Toon Goons	Vs	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach
Wallsend Old Boys	Vs	Brewery Droopers United
Woodstock County	Vs	Dabizas Pleazas
Yelli's Yobs	Vs	Duncan's Disorderlies
MinesaS&N Academicals	Vs	MacBeth's Marauders

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Pete's Porkie Pies	Vs	Baxter Basics
Quantum Mechanicals	Vs	Blaydon Racers
Real Zaragossy	Vs	Carlisle United Revisited
Screacher's Creatures	Vs	Chevy's Choppers
Spayne	Vs	Corinthian Smart-Casuals
The Gallowgate	Vs	Dudley Boys
The Stellar Warriors	Vs	Howdon Harriers
Jessie's High Pants	Vs	ITK Heaton World Beaters

BBS Notionless League Division 2

Sexy Boys	Vs	Bewildered De Builders
Shilbottle WMC	Vs	Ceptic
SS Enterprise	Vs	Doomed United
Superstitious FC	Vs	Douglas All Boys (B) Team
The Entertainers	Vs	FC Forget-Me-Nots
Toon Gutter Snipes	Vs	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts
Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	Vs	Gallowgateaserai
Real Seghill	Vs	Preston Big End

I shall leave you all to provide the Gary, Martin and Alan campery, but obviously some of the newly promoted sides aren't finding it nearly so easy in the top flight, and Gav won't be likely to laugh at auld fellas again :-)

p.s. Kegsy probably finds the mighty Howdon Harriers' result a tad suspicious...sorry mate, you have to score more than 2 to survive in this league...especially away! :-D

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Answers

I need to understand how MacBeth's Marauders are below MinesaS&N Academicals ?

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Ummm. Because the League Chairman didn't sort them alphabetically as well. I'll put it right next time....and I thought I was anally retentive, sheesh, the table isn't important until the halfway mark :-)

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

I'm still in shock!

I expect you'll be posting that you made a mistake any minute now. I mean, I counted my measly points before I looked at the scores and thought "Bugger I'll have lost", then saw a 5 - 0 win. Yippee!!!!! :o)) - Wrong match for Barton then?

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Just checked.

Last Season I scored 3 less points and lost the same fixtures 3 - 1 ( I mean West Ham H 7-2-98)

I must be learning!

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Pilgrim, you got 11 out of 21 (only Galaxy did better), the average for your division was 7.562, and Barton's Samba got 3 (adjusted to 5 for home advantage) so you merited 3-4 goals + 1 for poor defending by the other side being so far below par. Does that help?

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

I don't know about help mate, but but makes me very happy!

By the way I notice that the extra two points for the home team has put a more realistic slant on the leagues - the majority of teams winning at home. Well done for that one.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Time will tell on this one: I hope that a Dalglish era game doesn't provide a good test case, but this one was atypical in that there were only 2 left backs on the park and more than one forward ;-)

I think the needing to win by 2 clear points to beat your opponent helps, as it also provided 2 of the 5 draws. Might prove to be a pain with a more popular lineup of players, mind, as it could be a whole series of 1-0 home wins...we'll see.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Well, I still can't get my head round the points system, but if I've opened my campaign with a win then maybe the old randomiser's finally coming round to my aid. Points on the board - yay!

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Well that was a good start to the season. You know there is a very satsified feeling around Langley Park this evening. We would have liked to top 8-0 but we're very pleased to have scored 6.

Of course it is very early but the signs are there that an old head can beat a young whippet snipper. I have always believed that a team who has respect will do well and I don't want to point any fingers but the behaviour of our opponents manager Young Kev Herrod was not what we expect in this level of competition. It might be fine for a pub team full of drunks on a Sunday morning not that I expect Kev has seen many Sunday mornings. His Super Tit Sucks FC have a long way to go if they are to avoid seeking re-erection at the end of the seasoning. We at FC Forget-Me-Nots know all about coming a long way and are just very pleased to have made a winning start to our new camping.

I hope you will excuse me if I burst out

"There's only one.........what's 'es name? Walking in a Whatsies Wonderbra"

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

I see our next game is against The Entertainers managed by somebody called Kevin Keegan. That's going to be a tough one but we don't shirk from tough ones. Life's not a bud of roses. Can somebody help me out? I have never heard of this team or their manager before. Are they a team of clowns, dancers or singers?

You know I only returned to football management in England very recently and the last few years have just been a blur to me. Come to think of it that could be the story of my life. Well it could be but I forget.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Suapicious? Suspicious? I won't comment as I think I may be baned from the league.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Wow, this competition's a fix, The Galowgate put out a great sde and then the bl**dy league chairmans side get 6 penalties in the first 30 seconds. I thought our keeper did well to save em, but it was the 6 penalties in the 9th minuteof ibjury time that cost us. Still I'm sure The Gallowagte will bounce back next game when we have much fairer opposition!

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Just as well that was one of your fans and not you saying that Kegsy. You know how dim a view the League take of anyone criticising them or their officials (regardless of how dim their views actially are **conspiratorial wink** ;o))

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Hmmmm. I was pretty chuffed to see some of my players on the team sheet for thi game. But I'll be b*gg*r*d if I can work out how the scoring works. I suppose I'll just have to trust the orificials.

Any chance of a few more examples Softie? You can use my team without naming names if you like.

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

The Stellar Warriors - kick ass!!!!(:o)

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Bah Humbug!!!

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Remind me - exactly how are each teams goals scored determined again.

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

O.k, it's not terribly scientific, but basically I compare each team's score against the average score in their division of the League (whole League for the Cup). This is my base number, and scoring within 2 points of that will usually equate with 1 goal since scoring 1 goal seems to be the average (unless your name begins with 'K' and ends with 'enny Dalglish'). You actually have to try quite hard to not score (previous exception notwithstanding)as a glance at any set of results will confirm.

At this point, I compare your score with your opponent's. Obviously there isn't a sliding scale of any sort or someone would score 8 every time or whatever. Instead, the usual maximum is 4 goals or so, but you can score more by coming up against a particularly weak opponent's score, which would translate as a Gullit-style second half and complete surrender, hence extra goals for the opponent.

I realise that this sounds arbitrary, and in some ways it is, but the bottom line is that you have to be at least a man better to beat your opponent (2 points) and the scores are just to add colour. If it was just 1-0, 0-0 or 0-1 there'd be no enjoyment. What you have to bear in mind is that everyone has the chance to wallop anyone else...it just depends which historical game comes up. I have avoided publishing the scores on which the results are based because it spoils the look of the game to see the mechanics as well, however, if you all want to see what the actual points totals were on which the scores were based, I can include them.

Jonno and I have designed a brand new system for next season which will improve things beyond all recognition This will be unveiled once we've had a chance to test it for any bugs. It'll blow you away, I promise!

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Personally,

I think it's more fun to be kept in the dark and just enjoy the game. I like trying to work out the scores from the results you've published - but I'm a sad bastard with too much time on my hands!

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Softie, I think you should copyright this before some greedy get steals your idea and makes money out of it!

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

How do I go about that then Dougal?

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

Softie, I'll e mail you re copyright. In the meantime, I'd put on a few warnings like "Softie asserts his rights to be recognised as author of the rules of the Corinthian League in accordance with the Coyright Act" and "patent pending" on the actual game. Should warn a few buggers off. Will e mail you full monty for protection. Mind you, I'm no copyright expert ))-;

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000