I was just reminiscing about former jobs, and mostly thinking about how glad I am to be far, far away from my shitty old bosses. One was a paranoid, tight-assed beeyatch who thought everyone was talking about her (we were) and put listening devices in the heating vents. She also required us to be at work at least a quarter of an hour before our shift started, and if you were closing you sometimes had to stay up to two and a half hours late -- but she never compensated you for the time.

The other was a complete incompetent who basically had me running her company for her, but took the duty of accepting all the praise and profits off my hands.

Now, I work for my husband's company and he is the best boss. Except sometimes he's like 'Do this, and then do that, and then do that,' when I already planned to do this, that and that; I kind of hate being reminded to do stuff I had every intention of doing, especially when I'm not even procrastinating or late in doing it.

So, which bosses made you want to staple their wobbly bobbly lips shut?

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

Answers

I think I bring out the Twilight Zone element in my bosses. My first job out of college I quit because I worked with all men who treated me like the emergency backup secretary (instead of the engineer I was hired to be), and who plagiarized my work. Another boss was of the paranoid variety, and admittedly it was fun messing with his little brain, but I realized the higher ups were even worse than him and quit. My next job was a doozy -- my good boss quit, as a department we ran off his incompetent replacement, and then I got the replacement's job. Which meant I had to supposedly report to a real jerkwad bully who got off on making girls cry. Not me -- I used to catch him in lies and watch him squirm. He's the only boss I ever thought seriously about beating up, and I think I could do it.

I just realized how much on-the-job experience I've had with psychological warfare, and I'm not even counting messing with customers' heads. Cool. I should put that on my resume!

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

I've been able to handle most of my bosses idiosyncrasies, but there are two who I'm sure did *permanent* damage...truly.

Boss #1: praised me, adored me, promoted me, cared about me...and then would leave obviously drunken voicemails on my work number in the middle of the night saying, "Laura, I shthink there'sha problem, I don't think you appreshiate how much I appreshiate you...blah blah blah". Afterwards I was never sure what to do -- call her on the message? Ignore it? Accuse her of drunken abuse? It was very twisted. I felt like she had serious problems and insecurities and while she said pleasant things to my face she secretly felt threatened by me or just plain didn't like me. I didn't know if I was coming or going, and it was too reminiscent of my childhood relationship with my mom...freaked me out. I ended up being one of about 20 people who were laid off later...and although the most productive person in the department, I have no doubt why I was chosen. Happy ending: I got drunk the night of the layoff and called her like three times, talked to her the first time and left drunken messages the other two times. She turned the phone off after that!

Boss #2: hateful little man with Napoleon complex - grade A arrogant, self-centered prick. He would call from the road, ask why so-and-so hadn't returned his call. I would explain that so-and-so said he'd call back later and he'd tear into a round of cussing and shouting that made my ears bleed. He wasn't calling ME a f***er, but it was disturbing just the same. He would have temper tantrums in the office and throw things, and I was always afraid he would pick up his tape dispenser and hurl it through the window that separated us. I reported him to HR. I should have just sued. Happy Ending: long story, but I left one Friday and never went back.

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

Let's see--which one do you want to hear about? There was the boss who loved me and promoted me regularly until I noted I was moving to another city, at which point she let me go but not before making a big production over a 33 cent error on a $300+ order that I didn't personally ring up, but I was the supervisor on duty at the time. Went so far as to say that the cashier and I were in cahoots to give the customer (who we did sort of know, she was a regular) a free pair of (marked down to 33 cents) earrings. Um, no. I went home and bawled for hours, because the last interaction I had with the woman who, the day prior to my two week notice announcement, had been my friend involved her implying that I was a thief. I was very young, but still.

The boss who timed my bathroom breaks and then anal-retentively put me on a schedule based on his own peeing needs. "I go at 10, so you can do the same, and then you'll go to lunch at 12:30, and pee again at 2:30." I'm not kidding. I quit.

I actually survived the Meanest Boss Ever and was the only employee he hadn't ever fired. He was known for chasing employees (and customers!) out of his restaurant with a butcher knife if they dared to displease him. He verbally abused everyone. He was impossible to please. He was also hypocritical, having done 50 years of wine, women, song and drug...but he'd turned over a new leaf, so anyone who didn't have a super-healthy diet 9and his nutrition rules changed every week) would get lectured. He also had started to exercise and was insulting everyone else if they didn't. He had a heart attack after a swim-aerobics class and cooked himself in the sauna for approximately 4 hours before he was found. After his death, his entire family showed up to express their hatred for him and we found out that he hadn't paid taxes or, as is standard, withheld our taxes, that he ran an illegal gambling ring out of the kitchen after hours and that he accepted possibly stolen food items from shady people, which he then used. So he died, and the new boss who took over was an egomaniac (he had been the chef) who sexually harrassed me (and others) and ended up firing me when I wouldn't sleep with him. I already had another job lined up, so I shrugged it off.

Perhaps you want to hear about the one who took me aside and asked me some questions I didn't understand the gist of until after he ran off with the month's proceeds. He was trying to get my cooperation so he could rip off the restaurant for more than one month, as I took care of adding up the daily sales and monitoring the guest checks, etc. He had a thick accent and I didn't understand what he wanted and wouldn't have cooperated but he did all the deposits each day, and so fudged the records, deposited a month's worth of sales into his pockets and fled the country, leaving the owner at least $30K in debt when it was all over.

How about the boss who fired me because I was fifteen minutes late on the day we had a major snow storm? Powerlines were down, some phone lines were down, it was 10oF outside and since I couldn't call in, I walked to work. Since I wasn't dependent on a car, and thus I didn't have closed roads to blame, she felt I should have made it in on time. (The store ended up being closed later that day, but it was too late for me and three other people who were tardy that day.) I had been tardy on one prior occasion, mind you.

Perhaps you'd like to hear the one about my peer who decided that since she was paid $2K more and we were hired at the same time, she was my boss. She insisted on auditing my time records, complaining when I didn't do all her dirt work, and criticizing my diet, clothes, friends, etc. It's worse than that, but would take too long to detail. Meanwhile, she was taking three hour lunches, at least one day off a week, having hair and hair appointments at least every other week, shopping on line, delegating her least-fun tasks to others and complaining about how overworked she was. (She still does all this, actually, but has a new victim as I transferred to another department.)

I've also had bosses who were drunks, bosses who were way too chummy with their personal details, etc., as I've worked since I was very young, and sometimes have had two or three jobs at the same time. I guess it isn't surprising that I'd rack up a number of horror stories. I've also had sweetheart bosses, but that wasn't the topic.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2000