What do you think James'll say next?

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Answers

Mimi Rogers, you said earlier in the evening that you'd like a glass of water. I believe that everyone here with me tonight will agree with me when I say that you, Mimi Rogers, ARE a glass of water. You're our glass of water.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Rene Zelleweger, I think it goes without saying that your performance in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 represented a seminal moment in American Cinema and, when you said in Vanity Fair two years ago that you had "never seen a play in [your] life," you struck a long-awaited and much-anticipated death-blow to the Universal Stage. You had us at hello, Rene.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Kevin Kline, you are more than just a name immortalized in a song about vaginas, you are a name immortalized on my vagina, and vaginas everywhere.

Kevin Kline. Actor. Genius. Life-Giver. Vagina.

Let us all inhale your goodness.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

And, Renee, let it also be known that your assertion of "Never having seen a play" is an even bolder, stronger choice than most people know, having graduated from Katy High School with a young struggling up-and- comer known as pamie, who never heard of you until you made your stunning performance in Jerry McGuire, where she then had to hear about all of your wonderful performances in Katy High theatre.

Having performed in plays with your eyes closed just to ensure you've never seen one is quite remarkable.

And skipping your opening night performance of a University of Texas at Austin drama production was quite ballsy indeed. You, my dear, would really go to any length to be involved in the theatre, but not necessarily view any theatre.

I raise my glass to you, Renee. I raise my glass, me raise my glas, myself raises my glass and we all salute you in your goals to become the next Lauren Holly.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Yes, Mimi, it is indeed all about Youyou.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

I'd like to take a moment, Tom Cruise, and ask "Where have you been all my life?" Actor. Father. Monk. Man-About-Town. I have no doubt that the cure for all disease lies in your untested sperm.

Grace us now, if you would be so kind, with a bat of your eyelash, after which the audience and I will happily participate in a pre-arranged mass suicide, for there will be no more reason to go on living.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Leslie Neilson. Words escape me. Buster, Charlie, Jerry, Leslie. Truly you are the pinnacle of the mountaintop of pratfall comedy that stretches upward to the heavens. I worship your talent, your comedic timing, your ass. Film critics in 30 years and look back and view The Naked Gun as THE film that defined our generation. Let me kiss you now. Passionately and with artistic reverence.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Keanu Reeves. Our Keanu. MY Keanu... for ever since you touched the collective hearts of our nation as the lovable but dim boyfriend in Parenthood, you have become a part of each of us. I find it nothing less than astounding how you manage to keep such a part of YOURSELF in every role... whether playing a time-traveling scallywag, an FBI agent/surfer, a gay hitchhiker, a computer hacker on a mission... Each and every part you've played, no matter how diverse, you have kept your OWN voice, that loveable surfer-boy accent, and the same strong, unmoving expression. Look, even while I stroke your hand, your eyes remain unfocused. And as I lovingly unbutton your shirt, you look much the same as before. I will kiss your nipple now. And how resolute you remain. How stoic. Oh, Keanu. You have blessed our world. Thank you. Thank you for your gift.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

(damn I was going to do a Keanu one, lol)

This is a collaborative effort, my friend Craig wrote the part incorporating the movie titles.

Pauly Shore, king of kings, "Encino Man" to end all Encino men, you reign in your "Biodome", America's favourite "Son in Law", you are truly, sir, "In The Army Now." I wave my hands around erratically and make odd, unintelligible, possibly drug-induced vocal stammerings at you in hopes of, in some small way, emulating your brilliance.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Actor. Legend. Thespian. Quasi-Lesbian. Our guest tongiht comes direct from a wonderfully maligned and epicly transient sitcom. Tongiht we will gaze upon a true genious of theatre. Please joing me in welcoming the infamous, Nathan Lane.

Nathan, your Father was a man.... your Mother was a woman.... and you are.... their son. Would you like to say anything about this miracle of an occurance in your life?

...

In the great, wonderful, monumental, unequivocably grand tradition of Bernad Peevo of se intierviewie de la Franques su la mer, we end the show.

Nathan, what is your favorite word? --Birdcage.

Nathan, what is your least favorite word? --Type Casting.

Nathan, what turns you on? --You James, of course.

And finally Nathan, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? --I'm gay too!

(actually I really dig James Lipton and Nathan Lane, so it's okay if I make fun of them.)

Matt mhibbs.home.texas.net\mattsmind

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Molly Ringwald, what sweet pleasure to have you in our midst today. Titan-haired goddess of teen comedies, you have delighted us with your youthful exuberance, made us weep with your stunning insights into adolescent angst. You were truly the voice of youth in 1985.

You have starred with them all - Anthony Michael Hall, James Spader, Emilio Estevez, Andrew McCarthy, Judd Nelson - undeniably some of the greatest talents of our time.

It was the world-renowned director John Hughes that said: "Molly possesses a certain jejune quality that really just stuns me."

Well, I just couldn't agree more.

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

Tonight we have with us the magnificent corpse of Queen Victoria. Actor. Didgeridoo. Ceiling-fan. Fleaspray. So many things to so many... other things.

~SG~>

-- Anonymous, June 26, 2000

Entertainment Weekly just named James Lipton the "Anti-It" in their annual It List. If you don't read EW (freak.) this is a bad thing to be:)

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000