C'mon, help me out here. What quirky questions will bring forum-friendly folk flocking to this arid arena of rarified response? Should I visit other fora and steal their most popular topics, like "Do you like kittens?" and "Do you listen to music? If so, what?" and "Have you ever been abducted by aliens and subjected to unspeakable horrors at the hands of a three foot tall silver being called Shnazab?" Should I just stick my head in a bucket?

-- Nicholas Grinder (eda@impolex.demon.co.uk), June 22, 2000

Answers

Oo, Nicholas, you said the word "fora" - something I've only seen used in the most anal-retentive of inter-departmental memos, usually in the same paragraph as "incentivisation", "unactionable" and (oddly) "fauna". Shame. You've been in D*nd** far too long. In fact, shouldn't you be doing something more commercially useful than devising postmodern meta-topics for, um, fora? (damn) And shouldn't I be enhancing someone else's profits instead of blithering away here?

-- Pete Crump (pete@oakhouse.demon.co.uk), June 22, 2000.

My suggestion? Instead of designing questions to lure the forum-obsessed masses (I'm thinking here of the "Do you like kittens?" and "Have you ever had acrobatic monkey sex that involved rubber bands and Spam?" variety), you might consider appealing to those whose idea of the ideal steamy afternoon tends more towards the good-book-in-a-sauna rather than sex-with-wildebeests (I know, it's a tiny percentage, but worth pursuing as most of us are tired by now of kinky sex).

I have found that you can lure the bibliophiles by posting some nitwit assertion (under a pseudonym, of course), like: EVELYN WAUGH WAS A FAGGOT AND EVERYONE WHO LIKES 'HANDFUL OF DUST' IS AN INTELLECTUAL MIDGET! That sort of post draws out the posters in droves. Of course, the level of discourse in these thread tends to deteriorate somewhat the longer they are active. But, you get lots of stimulating activity, including low-level name-calling and the usual sarcastic, baiting repartee.

OK, the truth is that I have no idea. Good luck with that.

PS. I enjoy your journal. Everyone does. (One more ant in the pile.)

Eden Sommerville www.i-mite.com

-- Eden Sommerville (eden.sommerville@eva-tone.com), June 22, 2000.

If it's the masses you want, Grinder, no more Tony Blair, no more aliens in the basement of Westminster Abbey, HRH is 18 and ready for the pit. We want to know about late night frissions with Lady Violet and the light, Grinder, the light, how it flashes in his baby lidded blue-brown-grey-green eyes, his favorite little cheesey bits, whether he likes his lattes with or without. Oh God, Grinder. Does he own a kitty cat? That's what you're looking at, Grinder. Gird thee and go forth!

-- Bob (soleprop@apersonalsite.com), June 22, 2000.

I'm all for crowd pleasers, but please no personal references. I mean, Grinder would never sink to it, but is there anything worse than those forums (I come from the country that has "referendums" and refers to women as "alumni") which ask: "Am I the greatest/most pitiful/wisest/blandest diarist on the Web?" "Should we install a webcam aimed at our bed?" "Aren't our landlords bastards?" All that "Mirror, mirror" stuff drives me nuts.

I like good, clean political fights the best. For example: "Should we legalize soylent green and remove workers from our welfare rolls?" "Recognizing the United States: realpolitick or appeasement?" Riveting stuff.

-- Tom Dean (tsd@ogk.com), June 22, 2000.

What you need, oh Northern one, is for the lovely Stacey to post witty one-liners such as "get out my husband's forum, beee-yatch" and you can then sit back and watch the feathers fly. Or is it fur?

If it's genuflection you want, I'm too creaky for that. Can't we just sit down and have a nice cup of tea?

cheers

-- anna (anna@lucidity.au.com), June 25, 2000.

Oh, hell, Big G, if it's responses you want, all you have to do is ask questions about hot topics --

• Aren't Britney Spears' 15 minutes of fame over YET?
• Football hooligans -- chemical castration, or sold into white slavery as catamites?
• On what diabolical genius's secret base are all these frigging bir/boy/girl&boy bands being spawned, and how many warheads would be necessary to take it out?
• Wainscotting -- attractive decoration or the work of the Devil?
• Should I kick all this technical writing rubbish in the head and work on the Great British Novel?

Just a thought.

MMF

-- Melanie Miller Fletcher (xanadu1@ibm.net), June 25, 2000.

Oops, better close that tag. Sorry, carry on.

-- Melanie Miller Fletcher (xanadu1@ibm.net), June 25, 2000.

"Leather thigh-high go-go boots...what color stockings and suspenders go with them?"

THAT will get you some hits, boyo!

-- JonnyX (jonnyx9@aol.com), June 29, 2000.

Oh dear. I went to the symphony last Wednesday & thought of you, love. It was a Toronto version of Last Night at the Proms, and although I quite enjoyed myself (I *like* singing Jerusalem in a theater full of old ex-patriate Brits), I knew you'd hate it. So then, the question:

of what use is patriotism these days?

I'll come back in a couple of days and post my answer.

love, tisiphone

p.s. always black stockings with black garters, unless you're wearing a pvc nurse outfit.

-- Tisiphone (tisiphone@the-contact-network.com), July 02, 2000.

Have one of your readers post a new question..."What else do we hate about Pamie?"...that seems to do the trick.
Heh.

-- Em (belovedem@aol.com), July 17, 2000.

Wait..I didn't mean HAVE one of them do it...like ask one of them to.
I didn't ask..he just did it...whoever he is...and then didn't have the decency to ever show up again.

-- Em (belovedem@aol.com), July 17, 2000.