Hey guys, I'd like to get some inpartial opinions on this, cause I know I tend to overeact to things, so here goes... In September, I am planning on leaving the only place I have ever lived all 25 years of my life to move 3 hours away to this shithole of a town to be w/ my boyfriend. All of my family, friends, career, everything is here. Except for him..we made this decision together, there are reasons, mainly, his job, why he isn't moving here, but that's ok. I'm pretty excited about starting a new life in a new town with the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. Until last night, when he informed me that the weekend after I am moving in, he is going to a game w/ his buddies. HE is, as in I am not invited. Now, I am not the type of girlfriend to stand in the way of my man hanging out w/ his friends, in fact, I encourage it, it gives me time w/ my friends. But, this is the weekend after I am moving to this town, where I know noone, and he is up and leaving town to go hang out w/ his friends. Well, this really hurt my feelings, and he couldn't understand why (normally my guy is quite sensitive to my needs). We ended up in kind of a tif about it, I'm not sure if we are speaking or not. Anyways, this is causing me to second guess my choice to do this. What if I do move there, and I spend every weekend by myself while he is off carousing with his friends? Granted, I can always visit my friends, but I don't plan on move 170 miles away just so I can come home every weekend. Am I overreacting? Or is my hurt justified? guys?

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Answers

Five and a half years ago I moved from New Jersey to Lynchburg, Virginia to be with my man, and I'll tell you - it was hard. I didn't know anyone. I went to college in Roanoke, which is about an hour from Lynchburg, so when my man went hunting every weekend in the fall I could at least drive over to Roanoke and visit some friends who were still in school. But after the first year most of them had also graduated and left town. If the town you are moving to is small and has people who have lived there for generations, you may have a hard time making friends since you are an "outsider" - I had a particularly hard time since I was not only an outsider, I was a Damn Yankee. To be honest with you, I only have two real friends in town. I'm friendly with a number of people I work with and the wives of my husband's friends, but I wouldn't do anything social with them. I moved down there to be with my (now)husband because we were at the point in our relationship that we were either going to get married or break up, and living 500 miles apart wasn't going to help make that decision. I don't like living here, but my man has a very good job and I'm hoping he will be transfered to a real city in the future. Thank god I found the internet and met a bunch of really cool people that I can be somewhat "social" with.

I hope I didn't scare you with my story - I don't know what the background of your relationship is but I wish you good luck with whatever decision you make.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Amber, I think you're right to trust your instincts on this one. I did exactly the same thing, only instead of 3 hours away it was more like 1000 miles. We thought we had really discussed everything, but one thing you don't realize will happen is this: your boyfriend becomes your SOLE support. And it's not even that you are needy or anything, but when you don't have *anyone* else, the pressure on one person to be everything to you, at least for the time being, can be overwhelming. In our case, it made us break up. The fact of the matter is that, until you have time to make friends on your own, this guy should know that his responsibility is to be your support. At least if he's asking you to move away from everything you know. It doesn't have to last forever, but the 2nd weekend you're there he goes away?? huh,uh. No. That's not cool. And if he's not ready for the responsibility of being your only support, no matter whether it's just a short time or no, then he shouldn't be asking you to move. Of course, it's not that he can't go out with his friends alone *ever* but I think the fact he wants to do that so soon after you move is a little, uh, unsupportive. And you need to realize that it's a lot harder to be without family and friends than you think. I'm sorry, I don't want to be Ms. Pooperpants, but things would have gone a lot better for me if someone had pointed these things out to me before I made that move across country. just my two cents.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

I think that you should overlook this.. it's not a big deal, unless he's being nasty about it and/or is always nasty towards you. So you'll spend 2 days alone. You'll have an internet connection by then, won't you? I used to worry about this and I used to get jealous whenever he'd have private conversations with my parents or if I walked into one and no one would tell me what was going on. But as time went by I realized that he has to have his own relationships with my family and his friends, and I need my own, because the flipside of that is called "codependency."

You will miss your family and you might need to make friends and you really have to consider whether this relationship is strong enough to be worth a move. I moved from a city I loved back to my home state because my boyfriend got a job there. But then I got a job there and I still don't have any friends other than the people I talk to at work and online at night, but I'm pretty happy. I do have my family, though. I learned that we each need alone time even though we haven't seen each other all day at work, that's different. You're not going to spend weekends alone. You're going to spend 1 weekend alone, and it's no different than if this had been 5 weekends away from the time you moved in. Just get a book, watch tv, play on the net, arrange the apartment, work out, take a bath, do whatever you want, because it's your time. I'd be so happy to have alone time where I could clean the house and then not have to worry about someone following me around making messes where I just cleaned. If you can't be your own person and you always overreact like this maybe your relationship hasn't grown and maybe you have to think whether it will or not. I don't mean to sound tough but sometimes you have to shake yourself out of it.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

I agree with jd2. And also, Amber, I'd like to add that if the town you're moving to is a "shithole" already in your mind, maybe you should ... *maybe* you should reconsider your plans.

Or at least, before you move, you should do as much research as you can on the town and the opportunities it has for you. Where will you work? What will you do in your free time? Are there classes you can take? Of course you're moving to be with your boyfriend, but you still have your own life. You don't want to spend it waiting for other people's schedules to work out so that you can hang with them. Find out what you want to do and do it for yourself. Then, when your boyfriend's not busy, he can be the icing on your cake.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with both jd2 and Gwen. I agree that, yes, if you can't spend 2 days alone, then you might have a Wee Co-dependency Problem. But I still maintain that if somebody asks you to move away from all your family and friends and then leaves you alone 10 days after you get there to go hang out with his friends, then that's just not supportive or very nice. That being said, I don't think it's something you should have a hissy over, but I'd second guess my decision to move there regardless. Unless of course, you LIKE being alone or can find plenty to do by yourself. I know from "shithole" towns: when I moved it was to Cleveland...

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

What Nicole said exactly...her story is almost exactly mine. I will be an outsider, and there really aren't that many people there I even care to socialize with. Not really alot of activities I could become involved with either. But, he has the great job there, and will be there for awhile. And we are at the point in the relationship where living 170 miles from each other just isn't doing it. All that being said.. I don't have a co-dependency problem...I am fine when he does stuff with his friends, encourage it even, because I don't want to be the girlfriend that never lets her boyfriend do anything. But, right after I move in?

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

I'm sorry to be the Answer Hog, but I just really identify with this situation and everyone's responses keep making me think something of something else to add. First, take my advice with a grain of salt b/c you said you wanted "impartial" advice. Obviously, I still have a lot of anger over my whole situation and I'm probably projecting. But I'm right there with ya on the "Right after I move in??"feeling. Amen. (but I'm like that) jd2 probably has an even stronger point b/c, as she noted, she's fairly happy and *still together* with her guy. I'm speaking in hindsight is 20/20, bitter tones. Good luck w/ whatever you decide!

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Have the two of you ever lived together before? Or even lived in the same neighborhood? I ask this because what I'm thinking is no matter how far away you are moving...across town or across country...you are entering "his world" where he has lived with "his friends" and all his habits. If you were staying in your own town, you would obviously still have "your" life to lead when he was doing his thing, but you are going to have to start again. If this is the first time you and he will be living together, you need to stop and separate issues related to a major relocation from issues related to cohabitation. I have found that some men become complacent and lazy in a relationship once they get the gal to shack up. They sometimes truly don't see why they shouldn't be able to go about their business and enjoy the same routines as before. Maybe he doesn't understand why you are upset by his plans to split that weekend because he isn't thinking how your presence should change his routine? I think that if he were looking at this move as "the beginning of the rest of our lives together", he would be more sensitive to your needs, and at least tell his friends, "Look, I might not be able to make it. Amber is moving in and we might need some time together, but I'll let you know". Since he apparently didn't take that approach, here are some questions for you. 1) how long will he be gone at this game? If only 2-3 hours, no big deal. Even in the best relationship, you need to find ways to amuse yourself when you're alone, and ways to enjoy that alone time 2) I sense some overreaction in your statement "what if I'm left alone every weekend?...you're assuming a lot there. Separate the issues of relocating from the "what's it gonna be like with him" stuff and you should be able to make a better decision. No one says you can't put the move off until it feels more comfortable, but that doesn't mean it necessarily has to be "over" with him.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Well, Laura, to answer your questions...We have never lived any closer than we do now. And actually, when I move down there, I will not be moving in w/ him, rather to my own place. Where he lives, he has been there for a year, and really doesn't even have his own friends there. So, I don't so much feel like I am entering "his world" because it really isn't his, well, kinda, but not really. Anyways, as for the game, it is about an hour away, but it's a big boozefest, so I can expect him to be gone until Sunday. If it were only a couple of hours, no big deal, but no, it'll be pretty much the whole weekend. That's why I say "what if I am left alone every weekend." Sheesh, I musta sounded like a real control freak if you guys thought he would only be gone for a couple of hours!!!

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Well, Amber...I've sat here trying to imagine how I would feel in your shoes, and I guess I'd be a little bummed, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. So I guess my answers to your questions are 1) yes, I think you're overreacting and 2) yes, you are justified in being a little hurt...but I wouldn't take it much further than that. If you need more time to think about whether or not to make the move, by all means take it...and good luck! :-)

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

I think you're overreacting. This is obviously a big game (like a face-off with the arch-rival or something) if he and his friends are making plans three months in advance. The fact that it's taking place on that particular weekend is merely an unfortunate coincidence.

To assume that this means you will spend every weekend alone is absurd and self-abusive.

If you insist on his not going, and he doesn't go, he'll resent it, and you'll have a lousy weekend, anyway, so why bother? Let it go.

There are plenty of ways you can amuse yourself while he's gone. You will have just moved into a new place, so use that time to set up the new pad: Crank up the stereo and hang your pictures, arrange your tchotchkes. Read a book you've been putting off. Explore the shithole town. Every godforsaken wide space in the road has at least one cool junk store or home-cookin' restaurant to redeem it.

If you can't occupy yourself for 48 hours, you're probably not ready to be considering "the rest of your life" with anybody.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Amber, sweetie, I can totally understand why his plans are a disappointment to you. Still, I think you should trust him and trust your own judgement and go for it. You said yourself that he is usually very sensitive to your needs, right? And even if you do move and things fall apart with this guy you will still have learned an incredible lot about yourself and what you really want out of life. 3 hours is no big deal. It's better to take a risk and fail than to stay home and always wonder "what if?" But if you two can't get through the conflict over his weekend plans then you should definitely rethink things. Trust yourself, Amber, and good luck to you!

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

If the only reason you're moving is to be with him - and it sounds like that's the case - then I'd have to wonder why. Is there any ring on your finger?

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

No, no ring on my finger yet, but I don't think that its too far behind. I talked to him about it more last night, and got my feelings out in the open. I'm not going to raise a big stink if he does go, I mean, I'll be disappointed, but I'll get over it. He swears up and down that he is ready for this, for me to move and all, that he'll be there for me, we'll make new friends together, blah blah blah. So, I feel better about now. Thanks for all the words of wisdom, guys! And keep your fingers crossed..the headhunter is supposed to call me today w/ job news.

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

Good luck, Amber.

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

I'm too late to give an original answer, so good luck, Amber. Hope you've gained some insight.

-- Anonymous, June 26, 2000

Well, I remembered that I had posted this, and I just wanted to tellyou guys that guess what? I get to go to the game. Turns out a bunch of our mutual couple friends are going and he felt really bad when they were all saying "Will we see you at the game, Amber?" "no, I wasn't invited" and so I get to go. Granted, it is out of pity, but I want to go more to hang out with my friends than with his, so it works for me!

-- Anonymous, September 13, 2000