What is the best/worst advice your parents ever gave you about sex?

My eight year old son wants a book about sex, and I am trying to figure out how I want to go about doing the whole thing so as not to set him up for lots of therapy later in life.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

Answers

My parents told me nothing about sex, and I took the term "blow job" literally.

Not that he needs to know what one is, but hey, I just want to have the bases covered if there ever comes a time.

Again, I just want him to be informed when the other kids on the playground give him misinformation, but at the same time, I don't think he needs to be the Don Juan of Swingset Alley.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

My parents talked to me about sex, but not in a 'Suck, don't blow' or 'Don't use your teeth' kind of way. Unless by 'Do's and Don'ts' you mean 'Do wait until you're married to have sex,' and 'Don't wear tube tops around boys over the age of four' kind of stuff.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

Um, yeah, the "Do wait until you are married" kind of stuff. Although I'm not sure if this is something I could actually say and believe in, since it seems to me that it's more socially acceptable now than when I was growing up to have children without marriage.

I'm just looking for the horror tales of mothers saying "Don't stick that in there, honey. Vaginas have teeth, you know." kind of thing.

Or the really good ones, but I don't know how to expound on those.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

My do's are: invite the kid to ask questions. Answer the kid's questions. Be honest.

I want to say that the best advice I got was "respect yourself", but that's such a hard thing to understand when you're a teen girl, I didn't get much benefit from it.

The worst is getting conflicting messages. I have billions of examples that I'm too lazy to type right now. Here's one, though. If parents smile and wink when their sons have sex, but freak out when their daughters do, that's total bullshit that's gonna mess up the kids' heads.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

This is a really excellent sex ed website aimed at teenagers: http://www.scarleteen.com/

It's probably not going to be what you want to hand over to an eight year old however. But (though I'm not at this stage with my three year old) there are books out there that deal with sex and sexuality and are meant to be read by children your son's age (I've seen them). I would go to one of the mega huge stores with the comfy chairs and read a stack of them. You're going to be able to tell which ones click with you right away. And then pick one out and purchase it for your son.

I wouldn't be too worried about your kid. It seems to me like he's doing great. He asked his mother for a book about sex. This would seem like a high level of comfort. So I would honour his request for information.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

My mom told me that sex is something that a boy does to a girl, and then the girl gets pregnant and the boy leaves. She never told me a thing about the actual "ins and outs" so to speak. I learned that in my "Family Life" class in 8th grade, but I had an idea of what it was from walking in while my dad was watching somewhat dirty movies (not x-rated, R-rated with sex scenes)

That is really cool that your son actually ASKED about sex, because I was too uncomfortable to say anything to my parents.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

Jackie D, my parents sound similar to yours. Mind you, once I was about 19 and my mother knew I was 'doing it' with my boyfriend, she did try and tell me that sex was sometimes good and sometimes not, but that the closeness was the most important thing (yeah right, thought I, in my late-teenaged multi-orgasmic glow of smugness) and that oral sex was a filthy idea (little did she know ...)

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

My Mom gave me too much information, which I suppose is better than not enough, but was still really horrible for me.

Mom: Do you know what an orgasm is? Me: MOM!!! SHUT UP!!! Mom: Don't talk to me like that! Now, seriously, do you know what it is? Me: YES. Ugh. Go away! Mom: What is it? Me: I'm not TELLING you! Leave me alone! Stop being stupid! Mom: Don't call me names! Now, unless you can tell me what an orgasm is, I'm going to have to tell you. Me: GOD! SHUT! UP! Mom: Don't tell your mother to shut up. It is my duty as a parent to make sure you know the basics of sex.

Needless to say, she ended up telling me what an orgasm was, which was soon followed by copious vomiting on my part.

I have to say, I would never do that to my kid, but I would hope to have a better relationship with my child than my mother had with me, thus meaning that my kid would feel comfortable asking me questions.

I bet Gwen's a kick-ass mom.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

When I was around your son's age, my mom sat me down and explained the mechanics in a very straightforward way because she heard my friends and I using the term "humping" and wanted to be sure I understood what I was saying. Needless to say, it sounded like the most disgusting activity on the planet and I pretty much assumed you didn't do it unless you wanted a baby. As I got older, my mom was very honest about her experiences (not in detail, mind you. That would have required a great deal of therapy, but in terms of her feelings). Don't compromise yourself. If you have sex before you are emotionally or mentally ready, it could be cause you a lot of pain, anguish and regret. My mom answered my questions openly and she didn't have unreasonable expectations of me. As a result, she demystified sex and I think I waited longer than I would have otherwise. The mechanics talk when I was eight was a little jarring, though. I like the book idea.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

My mom was a bit of a wild child. (*sigh*) Okay...I have to be honest, here...my mom was a Harley Biker Bitch From Hell!! I love her, but sometimes... (*shaking head*) Her idea of "the sex talk"? MOM: "Honey, sex is ALOT of fun...let's go get you some birth control pills now." ME: "But, Mom, I'm only 13 and haven't even THOUGHT about kissing a boy yet" (let's not mention the fact that I was a geek at that time, okay?) MOM: "Well, let's get it covered before you DO." At 14 and 15, she asked me if I'd had a chance to "see for myself yet". Ummmm...no, MOM, leave me alone! (still a geek, okay?) Finally, at 17 I told her she could rest easy... LOL!! Now...I have no CLUE what my sex talk is going to be w/ MY daughter (she's 6 now). I'm figuring she'll know plenty from the tv and internet and can only hope that she'll come to me w/ questions. I have already been threatened by my ex-husband that I had BETTER not have a talk similar to my own. LOL... (he's no fun)

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

first off, I have to say Pamie has the kick ass entry on this subject

http://www.pamie.com/September/14September98.html

If you haven't read it, you really need to. (sorry Gwen, about off-posting like that)

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

Pamie's is by far, the funniest thing I have ever heard regarding this.

Well, today I trekked on over to Borders, and all the way in the back of the children's section on the last shelf, behind a nook, were the Sex Books for Kids. KEEE-rist! This is the most sexually repressed town I have ever lived in; Cinicnnati is home of Hustler and Maplethorpe controversy, and this year was the first time in *five* years that a Gay Pride parade was held here.

Anyway. I bought a book entitled, "It's So Amazing!", and sat down with both boys (my other son turns 7 on Saturday) and read it to them. The book talks about the fertilizing, the amazing eggs, the swiiming sperm, etc., and also talks about adoption, miscarriage, and abortion. The abortion paragraph is short and uncomplicated, but I was surprised to find it in there. I still read it to them, even though it doesn't mean much to them now. It talked about abstinence and condoms and birth control pills, and kept that pretty simple too. Homosexuality is explained fairly well, and there is a section on sexual abuse. I can't think of anything that wasn't covered that I thought they should know about, and I didn't think there was anything offensive in it at all. There were lots of cartoony drawings, and a bird and bee discuss stuff in the margins and make dorky jokes.

After 3 freaking hours of reading the book (78 pages, but wow, they wrote a lot), I asked them if they had any questions about what we read. My youngest son said, "Yeah. What's the names of the bird and bee?"

So ya know, I tried. I'm leaving it in their room to read whenever they want and told me they could ask questions of me or my boyfriend whenever they wanted, and we'll see how it goes.

Thanks to all of you for your advice, I appreciated it greatly.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

My mom did the straightforward explanation of the mechanics thing for my sister and I when we were quite young. After the explanation, my sister wonderingly asked my mom, "How many times have you done this?" And I snapped, "Twice. One for me, and one for you."

The best advice my dad gave me was: "Never take a guy you meet in a bar seriously."

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

There's brilliant, brilliant book that was written in the 70s called Where Did I Come From? My mom bought it in its original printing and pretty much every kid on my street (and I) got our sex ed basics from it. I just checked Amazon and am guteed to discover it's out of print now ( :(( !!!!), but if you come across it in an auction or something, get it. It's totally approachable, ACCURATE, and painless.

Info from Amazon: 'Where Did I Come From?' : The Facts of Life Without Any Nonsense and With Illustations by Peter Mayle, Arthur Robins (Illustrator), Paul Walter (Illustrator)

I'm really dismayed it's out of print. I just read my copy last Xmas and marvelled at how timeless and good it is.

-- Anonymous, June 26, 2000

man, apologies for all the typos in that last post. Teach me to reread.
There's a sister book to Where Did I Come From?, called What's Happenening To Me?-- it covers puberty and all the joy that comes with it. ;) Amazon shows it as in print but out of publisher's stock. Hmm.
Reader review from Amazon:
"I wish I'd had this book when I was a kid.
My husband did, and we are saving it for our daughter. The approach is matter-of-fact and light, and there is no preaching. The illustrations are priceless. The text features the best-ever explanation of an orgasm (it's kind of like a sneeze!) I can't imagine a better book to introduce kids to the concept of puberty."

-- Anonymous, June 26, 2000

last one, I promise! Just wanted to tell y'all that www.bn.com has 4 copies of WDICF? in their out-of-print inventory. So if you want it, that's where you can get it!

-- Anonymous, June 26, 2000

Oh my GOD, my parents told me so nothing! The first time I had sex I was clueless (fortunatley, so was the guy).

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

I just bought the funniest book! It's called Mummy Laid and Egg and it's by Babette Cole. It covers the basics. The main plot-line is that the Mummy and Daddy have come to have a talk with their kids about how babies are made, but they (the parents) are somehow completely ignorant and they tell the children a bunch of myths (some common, some invented). Thus we have lines like, "You can grow them from seeds in pots in the greenhouse," said mum. "Or just squidge them out of tubes." Lucky for them, the kids know all about how babies are made and are happy to enlighten the poor parents. Particularly funny are the drawings of the couple having sex. (Think circus tricks rather than pornography.)

Reservations I have about this book would be that Cole doens't bother to name any of the parts of the body or even really go into detail very much at all -- but that's because this is probably intended as a light-hearted first telling of the ridiculous nature of sex. I bought it because it provides useful visuals (that cannot in any way be construed as offensive) and it's funny. We need more funny books about sex.

I haven't read it to Joe yet. I want the questions to come from him first. But I'll haul this book out post haste when there are any. As the questions get more detailed, I'll buy literature to match.

-- Anonymous, June 30, 2000

I just had to add that my mother read "Where Did I Come From" and "What's Happening To Me", and I thought they were the coolest books out - then when I found them in my room earlier this year and re-read them, they freaked me out! Those illustrations are just far too creepy for my liking...

(But the inside cover paper, with the little cartoon swimming sperm and the sperm wearing a top hat curled around a heart - that just cracks me up.)

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

my dad gave me the only advice when I was 13ish and it was don't be easy!! talk about confused, it is just great to have hippies for parents.

-- Anonymous, July 23, 2000

Keli, I gave my son a really excellent book when he was about 9 called It's Perfectly Normal, that really seemed to answer a lot of questions he had. Now he's 11 and I got him another book aimed just at boys called What's Going on Down There?

We talk about sex too, but I think it's good for him to have a source of good, honest info that isn't his mom!

good luck.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

Hey Keli! Just wait until your son is 16 (or has male friends that drive) and they want to "go to a concert in Covington". Cause that's where all the boys in Cincinnati learn about sex - and it's not a concert either.

-- Anonymous, September 13, 2000

I don't know whether to be amused or scared by that.

-- Anonymous, September 13, 2000

Be amused. When I was a teenager in Cincinnati (back in the dark ages), my brothers and their friends said Covington was the place to go for, um, professional sex therapists. But they used different words. I hope things have improved since then.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

well dont let poeple take picturs of you nekkid. cuz when i went to pick up my picturs at walmart the guy who works at the photo part (i know him) said :wow floosie you should pose for hustler or swank' and i said what are you talknig about and he siad i had nice nipples. i turned beat red and amlost died!!!!!!!!1

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

I would've, too. If he didn't think you were good enough for Penthouse, he should have kept his thoughts to himself.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2000

She was 42 and I was 13. It was awsome. I wasn't too young by any means. Before that I thought that was all you did with a girl. I was always a horndog. I wish I had been a dumbshit about sex all this time. Hell, I'd be retired and have money to burn. I always picked the biker babes from hell. You know where the book says men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Mine were always from hell. Cost me dearly but the sex was always fantastic. I didn't know you could have great sex all the time and still have a good relationship. Damn! My wife taught me you could. James

-- Anonymous, September 16, 2000

Having said that, I hope you will just be honest with him and answer his questions. And I hope you teach him about who he is and that he is special. Teach him about the facts of sex when it is appropriate. Don't volunteer to teach him stuff he may not be ready for either. Teach him how special the act of making love is and that it's good to say no to those manly urges at times. It's just like teaching a kid about drugs. It does make you feel good but there are major consequences to face afterward. He is under extreme pressure in this day and age. Just look at any magazine and watch the stupid TV. Look at anything depicting women. Most of it portrays women in a sexual fashion. When I was a kid we used to look at pictures from TJ that my buddy's dad got. That pretty much set the tone for my sex drive. Anyway, from an adult type guy who has had to relearn a lot of stuff about the roll of women in a relationship, my advice is to be honest and don't hide anything. And always couple the technical explanation with real life situations. He'll learn all about the kinky stuff when he get's into high school anyway. Also teach him about the diseases and even take him to an AIDS Hospice to talk to some of the patients. Because the older he gets the more he will tune you out and then it's too late. james

-- Anonymous, September 16, 2000