OK, here's the thing. I'm 33, my husband is 37, and we're driving each other crazy trying to decide whether to have kids. We got married thinking we probably would do it, and I've always thought I would. Plus, my hormones are going mad -- I practically collapse into a puddle if I even see a photo of a baby.

However, I see all the downsides, having lots of girlfriends with kids of various ages. Ultimately: is it worth it? Or should I/we wait out these hormonal years, and spend our time and money on travel and having fun that doesn't involve baby poo or adolescent angst?

Help.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Answers

(yes, I think I've posted on every topic...) Boy, this isn't an easy topic! But here goes: For my entire life up to age 24 or 25, I did NOT want kids. Then something happened, my best friend had a baby and I fell in-love. Totally changed my mind, I got pregnant as quickly as I could, and I can't IMAGINE life without my son, Will. I still don't even like babies, and didn't truly fall in-love with Will until he was 2+, but it is so worth it. There is no love like it in the world, nothing even comes close. You might be able to see things you would be giving up through the lives of your friends, but you won't ever be able to see the things you gain until you meet your own child. And you never know who that will be! You still have plenty of time, biologically. Keep talking with your husband until you agree to go for it or let it rest forever.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

If you're not willing to give up your time for your kids, then don't have them. Kids require a lot of attention. But if you decide not to for selfish reason, then that's ok too.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

I've always know that I would have children. My husband felt the same way. It was just a question of when. We married young (19 & 24) and had our first son young (22 & 26) but we had to go through infertility treatments to have him and have been unable to concieve again. We still want more children, no doubt about it. That said, raising a child is the hardest thing I've ever done and I have a really easy kid. Eight years of 24/7 is hard, even with two parents and a supportive extended family.

So, I guess my answer is-have children if you both want to with all your heart. Sit down in a quiet place and picture yourself in ten, twenty, even thirty years. What do you see? Where/Who do you want to be? Children are not a hobby-they require huge amounts of time and money. I laugh when I hear couples saying that they both plan on still working once their baby is born. I always want to say "Then why plan on having one? You went to college full time for four years but you won't give another human being one or two years of yourself full time?" I'm still home. My son is eight years old and he needs me.

I think it is a mark of maturity to look at this closely and really decide to become a parent. So many people just fall into it. There is nothing wrong with not having children. You won't have less of a life, just a differnt life. Good luck with this tough decision.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Part of me really wants a baby, but the other part of me wants to spend all our money on us (or, more specifically, me). I feel quite maternal at the moment, but my husband is totally anti-children. In fact, we were talking about it over dinner tonight and he told me I could have his baby if I promised he never had to look at it, it never came near him and if it lived in a different house. I died laughing, but he was totally serious. So, no, I don't think we'll be having babies.

If I was married to someone who felt differently, I probably would. I don't know that I'd be a good mommy, though, and I'd want to be fairly confident about that before I started inflicting my offspring on the world.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

I don't think any of us and tell you what's best for you... as I type, it's late at nite and Patrick and I are madly ingesting a pint of Ben & Jerry's after downing many drinks at a bar...would we be able to do this if we had real children? Our dogs patiently wait for us to come home and we feel comfortable with the not so strict limitations they lay upon us...be home by six for feedings, don't leave us alone for more than 6 hours or we will barf and shit all over the house, get up by at least 11am, or we will barf and shit some more....

I have the hankering for children, as I aproach 35, but I know in my heart of hearts, that I cannot do it. The desire is not that strong and I'm too happy with the way things are....

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

The big thing about kids (specifically, my nieces) is, they're adorable and I love them and they're fun to be around most of the time, but at the end of the day I am kind of relieved that I don't have to really raise them or be with them 25/8 or anything. I'm sure that if it was my own child, I would feel a bit differently, but I also know that I'm way too selfish to make someone else my #1 priority, forever, right now.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Parenthood will change you (should you choose to accept this mission). Here's a little example from my life:

When my son, my first child, was nine days old I went to some cafeteria to eat lunch and when I had paid for my tray's worth of food the cashier offered to take my tray to the table for me. I looked at the big ole line-up and said no thanks.

Then I had a long struggle to the table tring to balance the sleeping baby, the tray of food and drink, the diaper bag that kept falling off my shoulder, etc. Previous to this moment I had never been an adult in a casual social situation where I needed help. Accepting stranger's random kind offers to assist me in akward situations was really, really hard for me and not at all something I understood motherhood would entail.

But I got over it.

I'll tell you another thing: Being a parent makes you personally pissed off at stuff that was kind of an abstract irritation previously. This world, this society, is not doing so well. When you see it impact your kids it gives birth to a kind of rage. It's productive rage though, so I think it's a force you can use for good.

What you don't have to worry about are other people's opinions about the kind of parent you'll make. If you start to read anything about parenting on-line or by the 'experts' you'll see that there's lines drawn about what makes a good parent and what makes them suck. It will make you feel good to align yourself with one faction or another and that's okay. What you'll probably discover as this goes along is that being a good parent is done on the fly and you have to keep reinventing yourself and re-evaluating your ideals. If your committed to spending time with your kid you'll find ways to do that even if you have to (or want to) work. It's important to remember that you're probably not going to be in any one camp for long, so it's best to do things the way that's most satisfying to you and your kid(s) all along and let other people worry about whether that was the best path or not. Some people get a lot of pleasure out of nit- picking that sort of thing and god knows, you're not going to have that kind of time -- leave it up to the self-righteous, I say, they would have nothing to talk about if it were'nt for the percieved flaws of others.

The rest of us will go out for beers and laugh about them.

Nobody is every 'ready' to be a parent. You have to learn on the job. I think that's why kids start out so nice and small with only the basic demands.

Is it worth it? Sure it's worth it. But a lot of things are that people don't necessarily choose. People who train their whole lives for a moment of Olympic glory will be quick to say that all the mornings of five o'clock running in the sleet were worth it. But you must decide for yourself if this is a race you want in on -- you have to be ready to revel in the sleet as well as the medals.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

We spend most of our time and money on having fun with the kids and then we have time for ourselves without the children. Maybe it's because the kids are just good or something, but we actually enjoy them. We don't travel much, but we still go out to movies, dinners, dancing. The only difference is we have to hide in our room to smoke reefer.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Ohmigod! I just realized from reading the messages that today is my birthday. Cool.

So... being a mom. Man, it's huge. It's huge all around. A huge responsibility, and hugely rewarding. It's a different kind of love from any other, and for me, it's one well worth the sacrifices. But if you can't make those sacrifices and feel good about it, don't have children. Your life will suck, the kid's life will suck. I have so much admiration for those who should not have children who are strong enough to ignore our society's dictates of what makes an acceptable life. My advice: if you're not 100% totally unquestionably into the idea of making your life about children and family, for everybody's sake, don't do it.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

I'll be honest...you wanna tie them to the bed when they come into your room every hour on the hour during the night b/c they can't sleep or you fight w/ them about something as simple as eating their dinner or what to wear. BUT...I'll also tell you THIS...there's NOTHING like hearing them yell "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY" as they come barrelling toward you and mach speed after you've been gone a little while (say, work). Or hearing them say "You're the bestest mommy. I love you." Or when they just come up and give you a hug/kiss. Or when, out of the blue, they tell you your very pretty... Damn... (*sniff*)...I miss the little buggers already! LOL...

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2000

You know that saying, "If you have to ask how much it is, you probably can't afford it?" I have a theory that is kind of like that - If you have to ask someone if you should have a baby, then you shouldn't have a baby. It needs to be something you KNOW you want regardless of what other people tell you. If it feels right, then have a baby.

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2000

I keep wanting to post something here but everyone else is giving out such good advice, I don't wanna be redundant.

When you have kids, you lose a lot of personal freedom. If you're still at a point in your life where you wanna be able to go out every weekend or decorate your place with cool breakables or have sex without having to put on an animated video and lock your door, then you're probably not ready to have kids.

I had my kids young, obviously, and I don't regret it because I love them more than anyone or anything in the world. And this is gonna sound conceited as hell, but I truly believe that good people (I mean, people who aren't criminals or evil bastards) should breed whenever possible and desirable so that the world won't go to hell so quickly.

However, I realize that I limited my choices when I made the decisions I did. However AGAIN, I think some people have a narrow understanding of what a parent's choices are. You can still be your own person. You just have to be more responsible for your kids' sake.

Okay, was that jumbled and non-helpful enough for y'all?

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2000

I love you guys! (sniff. sniff.)

V. interesting. Isn't it funny -- if I had had kids when I was twenty or twenty-two, when I was dying to but my man at the time didn't want to (and thank God I didn't, with him) I wouldn't have this angst. I had no doubt I'd be a good mother, and that it was part of my function on the planet. But I think as some of us get older these decisions become more and more difficult -- you get smarter and see all in the ins and outs of every decision. Time seems shorter and more precious and like there's less of it to waste. (Isn't that a Bonnie Raitt line??)

However. The Husband and I went out last night (still really last night, it's 5 am at the moment and I woke up an hour ago and can't get back to sleep) and talked about the whole damn thing and you know what? I think we're gonna give it a shot.

T'anks kids.

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2000

Fucking rock on, Barb! Congratulations on reaching a decision.

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2000

That's great, Barb! You should name your kid Gwen (no matter the gender) in honour of this forum. Heh.

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2000

Fab idea, Jackie. Hold on while I tell The Husband that his first-born son is gonna be named Gwen. He knows that so many of my friends are gay men, and would probably assume I was trying to turn the child into a drag queen. :-)

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2000

I'm coming really late to the discussion, but I'd like to put in my 2 cents worth anyway.

I've always thought that having kids was something totally not for me, something I'd never ever EVER want to do. Overpopulation, the world is going to hell in a handbasket, yadda yadda. Plus, the idea of another person growing inside of me was entirely too Ridley Scott/Alien to deal with. It would ick me out. I never looked down on other people for having children (except for those who were patently unsuited/evil/neglectful/abusive) but I never wanted to even be close to having kids.

But.

I've had a sort of inkling in the back of my mind these days that it might actually not be so icky and terrifying after all. Maybe, someday, I might actually consider possibly having a kid. I'd have to be with someone I had a high measure of trust and respect and love for, though, since I would never want to do it on my own. And he'd have to want to as well, with all his heart, or I don't hink I'd have the guts to go through with it.

Barb, good for you! It's a huge step, but from all I've heard from my mom, having children is both the hardest and the most joyful thing one can imagine. I'm not sure that I'm ready, but I commend your courage. Good luck!

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000

I have no maternal instinct. I lavish all my affection on friends and my pet(s) instead.

My mother encouraged me to play with baby dolls (hated) and to babysit (did it for the money) in hopes that I'd develop some sort of urge. Never did. If anything, I feel that, since I babysat in one way or another for over 18 years, I've done my time without having to pay for braces, summer camp or piano lessons.

I think that I might bend if I met someone I was madly in love with and planned to spend the rest of my life with who was very gung-ho about having a child and decided that, whatever happened, I was willing to raise the child of this man without resenting it in any way. I feel that it might be a possibility that I'd meet someone who might get me thinking along those lines. Generally speaking, though, baby-hungry men don't come along every day and I haven't been impressed with the few I've run into. Not one stable responsible parental figure in the lot.

If I do have a child, I will be fully committed to raising that child, and willing to deal with the loss of freedom, little financial 'wiggle room', increased responsibility, teaching them right from wrong, etc. In order to make that commitment, I'll have to be pretty darn sure it's a good idea. I haven't felt that way and don't have a need to carbon copy myself (in absense of a husband-type person) just yet.

If I run out of time, I'm not going to cry or feel regret. I like being an auntie better. I'll borrow your kids, feed them and care for them for a little while, and then hand them back. Nothing better.

People who have kids are superheroes to me. I'm not up to wearing the cape right now, and don't have any burning urge or biological clock telling me otherwise.

And I'm in my mid-thirties, so I suspect it won't happen.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Dis hyars Dr. James and I tells ya dis- When you're hangin out wit all dem blue hairs in da trailer park, you will kick yourself for bein selfeesh. Ya rite. I have a couple old friends from da trailer park dawn below my folks hause and dey din have kits. De are mucho lonely since papa cashed in his hand and dey sit at da bingo games and have ta endure all the other old biddy's showin them damned famlee pictures fer the 100th time. But go-head and be selfeesh to yerself. Don matter none. After you gone they be no one to cry that way. Creakin Old James

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2000

Oh, an baby pooop ain' no differnt dan guacomole' anyhow. You gets over da smell rite quick. Mebee make Dad do all dem tangs anywho. He He He. Go on now chile and do da deed. Feel rite good too. He He He. An kids is wonerful fer larnin bout life. Not yours dummy. His. See ya roun. He He He

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2000

jimmy are yoou from another country cuz i cant figure out what lingo your taling.

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2000

I woke up the other night at around 3 am to see the outline of my five year old. He said he couldn't get back to sleep until he knew what the moon was made of. My two children are my magic. My husband is my magic. I am a lucky woman. There are days when I would gladly hop in my car and drive to New Mexico, but I'd always come back. Ten years ago I would have laughed if someone had told me I would have a family I would give my life for. I'm so grateful.

On the other hand, there are plenty of people who don't want to have children. My brother wants kids about as much as he would like to have gangrene, and I would never tell him he needs to have them. He's quite happy smothering mine with love. I kind of like it too. To each her own, I always say.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2000

I was reading this really long post from back in June, and as I was reading it I thought "gee this reads like something on the hipMama boards, like by Sask or somebody". Then, BAM! I see the author's name - Saskatchewan! Ha ha, got you pegged!

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2000