Dear All,

I am best man at a mate's wedding next month and need some ideas for my speech. I reckon some of you will have done, or heard a few classics in your time so help me.

Background is:

He is a PhD Chemist and University Lecturer - Absolutely untypical of the breed. Laid back to the point of horizontal (which is where I found him after one drinking binge. A few days in hospital put him right but his Kidneys have never recovered. Now teatotal (vrey reluctantly). 45, and this is a second marriage, 13 year old daughter. We went to university together and have remained good friends ever since.

She is a schoolteacher. They met through a dating agency but I am absolutely not allowed to mention that fact!

I need your suggestions for some blindingly funny jokes, set ups, fake (or reald)anecdotes - whatever.

Please switch your brains and humour glands on and let's have a thread of your fave stories etc.

Cheers

TBM of Derek and Susan

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

Answers

easy, mention the dating agency without mentioning it. Get them sweating.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

Yes Swift,

I'll probably get them sweating - maybe refer to the unusual way they met, and then tell them about him being the Gorilla Gram at her mate's Hen night or something.

Come on you budding Noel Cowards / Terry Pratchetts / even Mills & Boon Anons - I really want to hear your stories!

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

I wish I could help out here Pilgrim, but I've only been a Best Man once and that was a 10mins in Registry Office 12 hours in the pub do with no (arranged/prepared/repeatable) speeches. Nobody else has ever trusted me to give a speech at their wedding....they remember my infamous contributions to various debating societies and wouldn't risk it! I ask you, do I seem like the kind of bloke who might let getting a laugh override the natural unwillingness to embarrass your friends in public? ;-)

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

I've been best man four times (twice with the same guy) and on all four occasions divorce happened within two years. I'd better give this one a miss. Matrimonial Jonah.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

I am doing the same task in the middle of July so have been looking for examples mesen. Try http://www.weddingjokes.com/

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

Thanks GRC, I'll give it a try.

Come on the rest of you. You mst have some stories!

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

When I was a best man, I spent the first two minutes of the speech glowing about the bride and groom without mentioning their names. After lots of ooohs and aaahs from the guests I added "...which makes being the best man at (insert fictitious names) Marge and Fred's wedding such...oh bugger I've got the wrong speech."

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

Nice one Rich,

exactly what I'm after!

Thanks, I just might nick that one.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

I know somebody who was BM and said he only had a few words to say. Just to save forgetting, he'd written down a few things......then procedeed to unwrap a bog roll type load of paper. I'll see if he still has the speach. It was very funny at the time- but maybe that was just the effect of the alcohol.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

Hey Screacher.....I did that at my own wedding......but instead of dropping it straight down, I positioned myself so that I could let it go over the table and it rolled down the gap between two rows of seats...

Laugh......I could hear my own heart beat!

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000